14 yr old Sex for attention

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
14 yr old Sex for attention
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 9:05pm
I need help.... I have a 14 year old who has ran away twice. Has all ready had sex. and I have been hearing stories of her trying to get other guys to give her a try. I did not raise my daughters to be this way. I know she is looking for love in all the wrong places. She lies, she has threated to harm herself. She does not care about anything. she looks at me at times like she wished I would just drop dead. I know she is sneeking around smoking. I don't know for sure if she is drinking or doing drugs. I do know she was suspended for taking alcohol to school in a baby bottle. That's why she is in a Alternative School. I sent her to a Outward Bound Camp for 21 days She came back acting changed but it lasted for a month. until I gave her some freedom back. Then she lost her..... Well let's just say she's not my little girl anymore. And today I had to go get her from school. They say she had some pills on her. But they searched her and found none. She says she flushed them down the toilet but I wonder!!!! The other girl brought them in and gave them to her. and instead of telling someone. She got rid of them so that the girl or herself would not get into trouble. She also wants to stay in her room alot trying to sleep her life away. But I do't let her. Well I guess that's all.ANY ONE WITH ADVICE, OR EXPERIENCE IN THESE AREAS PLEASE HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:23pm
My personal opinion is the situation has reached a point where things are pretty serious - to the point that she could end up doing harm to herself or someone else. I would suggest looking into getting professional help. Just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 3:49pm
I agree with nccmom - this young lady needs professional help NOW. The inappropriate sexual activity, drug use, lack of interest in normal activities and excessive sleep are all signs of depression. It sounds to me like something happened in her past that you are probably not aware of and this is her way of coping. On-going counseling for both of you seems like the way to go. It will probably take awhile to work things out and won't be pleasant, but this is something you need to do, not tomorrow, TODAY.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 7:08am
The first thing I would do is get drag this girl down to a planned parenthood or health services clinic and get her on birth control NOW. You really don't need to add a pregnancy to this crazy mix. Even if she is using condems, which she of course still needs to use after she gets on the pill, you still need to take every precaution. Don't frighten her into obedience with threats about how she could turn out. That won't work in the long run. Have her talk to a therapist a.s.a.p. Take her to a movie she really wants to see. Show interest in even the seemingly stupidest of her interests. And she still is your little girl, she will always be your little girl, nothing can change that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 10:44am
THANK YOU!!!! That was so well said. I have been reading over some of the discussions on parents views on sex, etc., and have been surprised at all of the oblivious answers. I don't have any children, so I can't give advice on what I do or don't do with them, but I have advice for parents on teens and sex... Wake UP! I'm 24, and I'm what's considered normal. I go to college and I work a full time professional job, I own my own home, and I have a live in boyfriend I've been with for 3 yrs. I lost my virginity at 16, and that was considered LATE for all of my friends. Most people are starting BEFORE high school nowadays, and the more you parents keep telling yourselves that it's too early, and you keep ignoring the fact that your children are getting involved, the more trouble they're going to get into. You people are talking about not letting your children date at 14, 15 and 16? My god they're probably already having sex and you don't even know about it because you choose to walk around with your eyes closed. I went to a Catholic Middle School, and there were 3 girls already having sex in 8th grade, and even more boys. And that's a private school. The friends that I met in my public high school had started as early as 5th and 6th grade.

So accept the facts! Get your girls on birth control and teach your sons about protection. This isn't encouraging them to go out and screw everyone, but they're going to do what they're going to do regardless of whether or not you approve of it or not. Wouldn't it just be a little nicer to have that reassurance to know they won't be coming home and telling you that they or their girlfriend is pregnant?

And as far as the drug situation goes, my parents were about as strict as could be with letting me go out and party, stay overnight places, etc. (But I was on birth control at 13, even though I hadn't decided to have sex yet) I was always the girl who had to leave the party early because my parents wanted me home for an early curfew. Aside from their rules, guess what? I still did drugs and partied. I skipped school A LOT, but still got A's so my teachers didn't call on me. I dosed acid in the parking lot before school, smoked pot in the woods at lunch, smoked cigarettes in the bathroom between classes, and I was a pretty mild case. There were kids who brought bottles of hard liquor and drank the whole thing before first period started. There were kids who skipped 1st period to drive downtown and pick up crack. There were kids nodding off in class due to heroin. And my school was a BLUE RIBBON SCHOOL (Howard High, Howard County, Maryland). After I graduated high school, I got into cocaine and meth really bad. I tried to go to college and work two jobs because my parents had pushed me to succeed. But it backfired and I couldn't handle it. I crashed hard and went through 9 months of pure hell. I lived in my car and snorted drugs all day and all night. I treated the people closest to me like sh*t and I now feel horrible for it, but despite all of what my family tried to do for me, I wasn't ready to stop doing wrong to myself until "I" was ready. One day I just woke up and decided it wasn't for me. I got counseling, got a good job and a new apartment, and I got back on the right track. Nobody did that for me but me. No one could. You can't change some one's mind, and trust me, I've seen many kids go through rehab and that doesn't work either unless THEY are ready. A couple of people I knew went to rehab and when they got out, went right back to drugs like before. 3 people I knew died of an overdose from this, because they thought they could handle the same amount they used to.

Like I said, I turned out great considering. I've got an excellent head on my shoulders for my age (24), and all of the wrong I did in the past has helped me get to where I am today. I wouldn't have such determination if I didn't want to prove to everyone that I'm not what I used to be. My success is a lot of my apology to my family and loved ones. Everyone has forgiven me for my torment, but it still hurts me. Counseling has helped me 100%, though it's made me an emotional train wreck at times. I think that nowadays everyone could use counseling. It's a different world out there, crazy drugs, sex, stress, diseases, death, competition, it's hard to deal with all that at 40 yrs old, let alone when you're 15. Counseling doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just helps you to keep in touch with yourself.

So I agree with umbckitty- counseling and birth control. And support! Just because she's not the #1 child anymore, doesn't mean she's not your little girl. Be there for her, and try to guide her instead of telling her what she can and can't do.