14yr old sister & 21 yr old boyfriend
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14yr old sister & 21 yr old boyfriend
| Thu, 09-28-2006 - 3:35pm |
I am 20 years old and I have a 14 year old sister who has just confided in me that see has secretly seeing a 21 year old guy she met at the mall for 3 weeks now. She has not told my dad or her mom. I am trying to be a good big sister by giving her advice but not lecturing her. I told her I would go meet with the guy to see if he is someone she should continue dating before she introduces him to my dad and her mom. I hope all of you parents out there will let me know if what I am doing is right from a big sister stand point.

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I understand your wanting to give your sister some credit for being able to pick her own friends and you think this is the best way to do that. My girls are also 6 years apart and I would be terribly upset if my oldest did this. Under no circumstances should a 14 year old date a 21 year old. I can think of only one reason that a 21 y/o would want to date a 14 y/o and it isn't to hang out at the mall. Their circle of friends would not be acceptive of the other. Their taste in movies would probably be different. He can legally drink, she can't. Would she be comfortable taking her b/f to a school football game or dance or other social activity? Would he be comfortable going and would he have a good time? You are obviously an intelligent young lady. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.
Your parents aren't likely to approve of this at all and your approval is only going to make matters harder for them. It will also make their disapproval harder for your sister to accept. Also if you go meet him and feel that he's not acceptable, then what? Are you going to tell her she can't see him? Do you want her to end up mad at you? That is her parent's job. Your job is lend her your shoulder to cry on when this doesn't work out.
Then there is the whole legality issue. At some point, he will want to show some affection toward her. This is most likely illegal. He could be arrested. Does she want that for him?
Also please don't think I'm opposed to all age differences. My oldest DD (24) is dating a man that is 37 (closer to my age than hers). I'm okay with this as they are quite compatible and enjoy each other's company. I just don't see compatibility between a 14 & a 21 y/o.
Please think this through very carefully. Good Luck!
The fact that your sister hasn't yet told your parents proves to me that (a) she realizes they likely will not approve and (b) she probably isn't mature enough to handle the relationship.
Rather than going to meet this guy I think you should be encouraging your sister to tell your parents or you will tell them. Seriously.....its about doing what's necessary to protect her.
The guy may be alright, I'm not saying he's necessarily dangerous or anything but this kind of relationship is bound to be a difficult one. She can't go to bars with him, she can't go to dance clubs with him, if he has any friends they likely will give him a hard time for dating someone so young and, let's face it, 21 year old MEN have expectations of their girlfriends that your sister may not be able to fulfill. She may eventually feel pressured into a sexual relationship or perhaps drinking or other activities that are illegal. Imagine what your parents would think then!
Fourteen year olds are romantic and naive and idealistic and as such they are both vulnerable and not realistic about this kind of thing. She sees this cool older guy who likes her and its flattering and exciting. But as her sister you should be encouraging her to slow down and allow herself to grow up a little before she gets involved this seriously with anyone and certainly with someone that much older.
Just consider this -- if this relationship was to eventually hurt your sister in some way, do you want to the guilt of being the one who could have said something but then didn't???? Could you live with that?
Ask yourself this....
Would YOU date a 13 yr or, or a 14 yr old…or ever a 16 yr old?
I bet you answer NO!
I agree with every poster that replied before me. But I am going to put it very bluntly.
That 21 yr old is using your sister. She is in danger of becoming sexually active with an adult. She is a child!
Like it was said before, there is only one reason that a 21 yr old is ‘dating’ a 14 yr old. SEX! It is very obvious that this 21 yr old man can not get someone to date his own age…there for, he needs to prey on young teen girls. And that is just sick!
Your sister turned to you because she knows she can trust you, right? Now….give her something to trust in! Give her your good guidance and let her know this is no good. If she rebels you really have NO choice other then to talk with her parents.
Ask yourself this....
Would YOU date a 13 yr or, or a 14 yr old…or ever a 16 yr old?
I bet you answer NO!
Everyone is different. When I met my boyfriend I was 14 and he was 20. We were together a year before we had sex. We are now also married. Not all guys are out for sex.
No, I did not hide it from my parents because they drove me places and there was no way I could hide it for long. I did have rules though, if I was at this house or vice versa a parent had to be home. I could not ride in a car with him until I was 17. I also had to keep my grades up or I lost dating privilages. I only was allowed on the phone one hour per night and I was only able to see him on the weekends. As I got older I had less rules and more freedom.
I am 23 now and we have been married just about 3 months and have lived together for a year. After I finished high school we both went to college and then moved out.
Edited 9/29/2006 8:37 pm ET by seirith
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