15 Year Old Daughter and "Druggie" BF...HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
15 Year Old Daughter and "Druggie" BF...HELP!
6
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:09pm

My 15 year old daughter is not allowed to "date" until she's 16, which will be in 6 months...longer, if I have anything to do with

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
I would probably let him come to my house to hang out *when I am home* and keep their relationship at school outside of that. Your daughter is right, pot will stay in the system for a long time... but I don't think for two months. I think my son said its more like three weeks for a urine test. Which, in my opinion isn't long enough to say that he's changed his ways. According to the omega lab website (sorry, I'm on my tablet and haven't figured out how to post a link yet) hair testing requires 90-120 strands of hair and will test the previous 90 days.

Personally, I wouldn't out and out forbid the relationship, nor would I block him on her cell phone. That would set up a real Romeo and Juliet situation where she would go out of her way to defend him, then they get the whole you and me against the world's mentality. Instead, I would let him come to my house, keep them well supervised, and keep what ever guidelines you have about going on a date in place being that she is just 15 yrs old. If he's really changed and really cares about her, he will be willing to abide by that. But quite honestly, I haven't met too many 17 yr old guys who would abide by 15 yr old restrictions for long. Typically relationships at this age last for 3 or 4 months and whither out on their own... which is more likely to happen if you don't forbid the relationship. Quite honestly, unless you plan on going to school with her every day, you really can't effectively ban the relationship.

Unless your daughter's school is very different from most of them in our area, insisting that she only see guys who have never had sex and who have never used drugs is going to eliminate quite a chunk of the male population over 16. Wouldn't hurt to get to know this kid... most likely he is simply a relatively clueless, inept 17 yr old who is also just trying to find his way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I agree w/ everything bunnierose said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012

I agree with everything the other moms have said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

I'm in line with everyone else in that I wouldn't forbid the relationship completely. I tried that a few times with my boys when they were younger and they ended up with the girls I didn't like longer than they probably would have had I just let things die a natural death. Certainly voice your concerns to her. And if your rule is hard and fast that she is to have NO dates with ANY boys, including letting them come over in groups, before she is 16, don't make an exception for this boy. If, OTH, you'd let another boy come over then I'd let this boy come over with you actively present and get to know him. Just because he's smoked pot in the past doesn't make him a crazed drug addict. I think the hair/drug test is way over the top. Does your dh ask all your dd's girlfriends to give him a lock of hair when they come over so he can test them? And as Rose said - sad as it may be - these days you're going to be hard pressed to find many kids over the age of

Pam
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

We also had the rule of no one-on-one dates before 16, but that didn't stop her from liking boys and becoming "bf/gf" at school. So we allowed our dd to have the boy of the moment come to our house when a parent was home to supervise. They had to stay in a public room where the parent could see what they were doing whenever we peeked in. We also chatted with the boys and if the "relationship" lasted long enough (most didn't last) we invited him to stay for dinner sometimes. That level of parental scrutiny weeds out boys pretty fast, which will tell your dd something about the guys she likes. Other benefits of this method are that the Romeo and Juliet syndrome doesn't develop because you are nice to him and allow them some time together; and she gets to see him in a setting away from their peers where bad manners, inability to talk with adults, etc become more obvious and sometimes she will want a better guy for herself. And maybe it will turn out that he's a nice kid and you end up liking him.

LIke the others said, the drug testing idea sounds over the top. And whether he has had sex before doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him sexually experienced. What matters is what your dd wants to do. If she wants a "bad boy" or wants to be a "bad girl" then she will find a guy to go along with it regardless of your efforts to stop her, unless you never let her out of the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Oh my elc11. I SO agree with your last paragraph! I knew a girl in college who came from a very conservative, controlled home. As a college freshman she had never been allowed to go on a 1 to 1 date in her life. Between her newly found style of dress, her over the top party ways, and out of control dating that included overnighters in the guy's dorm, she pretty much grew into a parent's nightmare by the end of the first semester. I don't know for sure that she wouldn't have gone so wild if she''d had some freedom at home, but I suspect she would have used somewhat better judgement if she had had the opportunity to exercise it under her parent's supervision before she got to college.