15 year old Don Juan...Not Quite ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
15 year old Don Juan...Not Quite ;-)
19
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:01am

My 15 year old son is girl crazy, but is just beginning to learn the steps involved in dating a young woman, and is understandly quite awkward at this stage. He went to a dance a few nights ago, and apparently was able to establish a nice rapport with one of the girls there. She also happens to be a girl he's very interested in. Well, I guess he mistook her frendliness for romantic interest, and decided to plant a kiss on her. She was taken aback and became quite upset. She exclaimed, "Michael, I thought you were my friend!", and then she gave him a crisp slap on his cheek.

He feels really bad for a whole slew of reasons. He feels ashamed that he got his face slapped by a girl, and now lacks confidence about his touch with the ladies. He feels even worse that he made her so upset. He's also disappointed that she didn't see him as more than a friend, but would hate to lose her as a friend.

I gave him some consolation and support, but would like to hear what advice you would offer him as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:19pm

Wow..
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I couldn't agree more.

Except this poor boy ..yes, poor boy, tried to steal a kiss. I'm not aware of hand holding as a prerequisite to a peck on the cheek.
Whatever happened to muddling through early adolescence as a learning experience? Sounds to me like he learned a quick and painful lesson. Isn't that what we *want* him to learn?
Our we seriously to admonish his misjudgement as an "unwanted sexual advance?"
Whew.. That'll screw him up but good. Kids are confused enough.

This reminds me of our "St. Paul Winter Carnival" which for years has included the playful antics of the "Vulcans"; (The full historic story is rich in tradition and too lengthy here) who would dress up outlandishly and run around kissing women on the cheek. As the times would have it, someone actually filed a grivence with the St. Paul human rights commission. No more Vulcan kissing at the carnival... :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:22pm
I actually agree with you fluteloversmom. It was a bit more than just a quick kiss on the lips, and the girl did say she felt somewhat violated at the moment, and reacted accordingly. She was careful to show restraint, as she did not want to really hurt him, just let him know his behavior was unacceptable. She also expressed that she completely forgives him and would like nothing better for them to be friends again. I know it's something of a double standard, as men are never allowed to slap women, but in this particular case I don't think it's a huge deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:30pm

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How?

My 15 yr old hasnt begun dating or been to a school dance. My oldest didnt date until he was out of high school. My middle one is my most experienced in that he attended middle school dances but still, didnt go 'out' until his freshman year(14/15)

The 'flavor' of the OP struck me that this was a relatively inexperienced kiddo too.

I can easily see them making a blunder. Other guys are slow dancing with a GF and kissing so, ok, this looks like a plan......

I have to say, like many of the moms on teh board, the sex talk fell to me and, while I covered respect in a general sense,I didnt cover a specific order of moves(and now Im feeling kind of bad about that because how ARE they supposed to know this stuff)

Anyway, yes, I would fall into 'the poor boy' category unless this was an experienced young man who had been dating for over a year.

And, even then, this is a school dance in a public place. The girl needs to learn to read her true danger as well. Alone in a dorm room? Different story(although Id still think it was an over reaction but at least Id understand why she might be spooked)

Edited to add: just read teh previous post and it sounds like the boy was a bit more experienced than I had orignally interpreted

As for my 15 yr old? Will be interesting dinner conversation tonight-especially with the 19 yr old home on Spring Break to put in his 2 cents on the correct order




Edited 3/4/2007 7:36 pm ET by windrush54
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 7:50pm
I am glad that you were not offended by what I had to say. I just wanted to get my point across regarding the way some posters were reacting about this girl's reaction to an unwanted kiss.
I am glad you understood what I was trying to say:)
Kim
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:14pm
It's ok Kim, I wasn't offended in the least. In her return email to my son, the girl told him that all was forgiven and not to give it a second thought. Then on the P.S. section of the email she playfully teased him that he needed some serious work on his kissing technique, but that she was quite impressed with the way he "took the slap like a man", and remained calm and collected. LOL! I guess one out of two ain't bad ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:43pm

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Yes, you are right..there is no prerequisite to kissing.

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You have a point as far as muddling through adolescense and yes he learned a lessson but perhaps there would be less "muddling" if parents talked to there kids about these sorts of things. This girl should not have to teach him what is proper behavior that would be the parents responsiblity.

<Whew.. That'll screw him up but good. Kids are confused enough.

If we are not going to admonish him then maybe we shouldn't admonish the girl either.

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Yes I am famiar with the Vulcans. I am born and raised and still live in Mn. I have been kissed by a Vulcan and took it all in fun. The situation with this boy is different though. The mom very clearly said that he was interested in her...it was not done in fun or a joke.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:09pm

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If I have to answer that question there truly is a problem.

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I don't think it really has anything to do with "dating". I don't think you need to go to a school dance to learn how to interact with the opposite sex when attracted to them.


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So the inexperienced kid only saw BF's & GF's kissing and doesn't see them before that in the beginning stages of "dating". He never caught wind of the flirting that went on before hand, or the hand holding in the hallways. I find that hard to believe with what I hear goes on at school everyday. Even back in elementary school there was talk of so and so likes so and so and the drama that pursued of passing notes etc.

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Like I said above. I think that "most" kids know more of the "specific order" because they see everyday in school. That is why I am suprised that a boy would just think that he could just move in for a kiss. I think mom and/or dad talking about how they met and dated might be a good place to start.

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Again I don't think this has a whole lot to do with dating. This is about repect and you don't have to date in order to learn how to respect the opposite sex.

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Well, we will just have to disagree on this one. I do not think she overreacted and in fact I would support my daughter for reacting the same way. An unwanted kiss is just that unwanted. As I said in my previous post...girls should not have to be afraid to react to unwanted advances.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:12pm

I am glad that everything worked out between the two of them and that it didn't hurt their friendship. That is quite mature of both of them.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:21pm
Got it. Good points.
I re-read the entire thing and I was a bit off.
My point was that early teens muddle through the courting process with so much clumsiness. I think I reacted to the term, "unwanted sexual advances." To me, that conjures up an image far different than what was described..

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