15 yo daughter has gone to live with dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
15 yo daughter has gone to live with dad
14
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:03pm

I'm going to try to condense this...please forgive me if it gets a little long.

My 15 yo daughter decided (after a few months of secret planning with her bio father) that she would rather live with him than her step dad and myself. Apparently "we" (step dad and myself) are mean and it's "not like that" at her dad's. The reason behind everything being kept secret is because my dd was convinced (or had been convinced) that if she told me I would get mad, freak out and disown her.

All I've done since I found out about this is cry. I am so hurt and so devastated that she is claiming she was so unhappy with us. I bounce back and forth between pain and anger. She left and went with her father (he lives locally) within 24 hours of our initial conversation. I told her that I didn't want her to go...that I didn't feel it was the best thing for her but that I honestly could not stop her. My ex and I have joint custody of dd and her younger sister (9).

It's been the classic situation of my husband and myself feeling like we do all the disciplining and have to play the bad guys and her father has always been able to play "superdad" every other weekend and one afternoon per week to her and her sister. She resents her step dad for being a firm parent (he is strict, but very giving and loves her very much) We have been together since dd was 7. Apparently she has made me out to be some monster that she couldn't talk to...unfortunately, she never gave me a chance.

She says being at her dad's makes her "happy". I would imagine it does make her happy right now. My ex is much more lenient. He has a younger gf who treats dd like they're on the same level and there are usually no plans or schedules in their household. Yes, my dh and I were more strict. But we were also loving, caring parents who were only trying to do our best.

My question is what do I do now? Do I try to be a good mom and just be there for her or do I back off? I've talked to her a couple of times in the past few days and all I do is cry. Do I show a little tough love and let her see that the grass isn't greener on the other side or take the approach that our door is always open to her? I'm so confused....

Lilypie Baby Ticker

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 6:23am
Sounds like a tough time for you. IMO I would back off right now at least
for the time being, let her see for herself that living with her dad
is not that great. You are her mother and girls need their mother,
especially at that age. I would however, step in and be heard
if you feel that she is changing for the worse in any way, as far
as what they are letting her do, curfews, dating, etc. Does she
now come to visit you every other weekend and one day during the week?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 10:34am

Right now, we haven't set up a visitation schedule...I'd actually rather not. I want her to be able to come over and have dinner, or spend the night or a weekend. Fortunately her dad and I have always been in agreement on things like that.

I've been calling her each day to see how work was, or colorguard camp and she's been polite, but slightly distant. I'm still so sad, but starting to feel somewhat angry. I've spent this past week beating myself up and cried more tears than I would have thought possible and I realize that I can't do that to myself over her teenage antics.

I'm not sure how to find a middle ground on still wanting to let her know I'm there for her and backing off some. I was thinking of just calling every other day or couple of days so she knows I'm thinking of her. Any suggestions?

Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 11:34am

Dear longday:

I really feel for you. I have a 17 yo DD and an almost 11 yo son. I got remarried 3 yrs. ago and my DH is not that easy to live with. I think if I had known the problems we would have, I probably wouldn't have married him, but it's water under the bridge. My DD really dislikes him and his 16 yo DD too. A couple of years ago, my ex told me that our son was saying he wanted to go live w/ his dad because he wasn't getting along w/ my DH. I know my ex really would like that, but his wife I don't think was too keen on the idea since at that time he was probably 9 and couldn't be unsupervied. Her only DD was over 18 and she was kind of done with child rearing. Plus at that time, I think my ex was still working the overnight shift at the post office and his wife is a nurse who works all kinds of different hours, so there was really no solution if they were both going to be gone at night. We dont' live that far away, but far enough so that if he moved, I couldn't be taking him to school in another town. I feel that all these years, I always had to juggle my schedule to accomodate the kids, but that's a diff. topic.

Now every so often, my ex will put the idea in my son's head to go live w/ him. He metioned it a couple of weeks ago and my son didn't want to move. I don't know if he will feel differently in a couple of years when the girls are both in college. If he did move, I would feel really sad cause my son is really the light of my life. You know how teenaged girls are so moody ! but he is a pretty happy kid. My DD has also said she can't wait to move out to get away from my DH even though she says she loves me and her brother. I know she didn't move cause she didn't want to change schools and leave her friends. I know that she does favor her father, though, as the non-custodial parent. For ex., she complains that I don't make enough money to support the life style she would like (as if I wouldn't want more money and a better job if I could get one) and I make her work and pay for her own car ins. This is somehow all my fault. When she started driving, I asked her father if he would pay more child support to contribute to her ins and he said no, she should pay for it herself. But he never gets blamed. Then I find out he gave her $150 recently so she could buy clothes or whatever (she probably complained to him after she couldn't work for 2 weeks due to surgery). Meanwhile, he owes me money for his share of her medical bills! So he always looks like the good guy. I do know that if she live w/ him, he would probably be more strict. He called one night and I said she was out and probably wouldn't be home til midnight (she can't drive after 12:00 by law) and he said "You let her stay out til midnight?" So yes, I know what it's like having to be the strict one.

I guess if I were you, I would try not to let her see how much it bothers you that she moved. I dont' think teenagers are that sympathetic anyway and if she feels guilty, she won't let you know it. I think I would let her know that if she changes her mind, she can always move back home w/ you, but not dwell on it. Also, maybe calling every day is too clingy, maybe every other day. You should also start regular nights of visitation if you can. My ex does see the kids every other weekend and once or twice during the week. During the summer, since he has Wed. off, he has been taking them overnight during the week too. I know it will get better. Just look at it like she went away to college and look at the bright side, you know things aren't going to be all a bed of roses. What is going to happen when your ex has to discipline her? Maybe then she will wake up. He might be more lenient if he only sees her on the weekends but unless he's a total loser, he's not going to just let her do whatever he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 3:50pm

I read the title and thought "did I write this when I was sleeping?" I read further to find out that it's another mother's nightmare almost identical as mine right now.

Hey guys, It's been awhile. I've been lurking for months after a nearly had a breakdown becuase of my daughter and ex.

On to our problem...This will be long....I guarantee it...

My DD(15) got into trouble back in March for inappropriate material on her “my space” website and told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to live with Dad. Sure, we went from me have 80% custody to us sharing her 50/50% from Late March until now. Our visits were sometimes good sometimes bad sometimes awful, and the good did not outweigh the bad and awful. Summer came and I got no phone calls from her and more fights. We went on a family vacation(me, hubby, DS11, and DD4) without her (she was invited but she opted to stay and do band instead which made her band teacher not hate me for taking her best student away for two weeks.)
Her birthday was on July 23rd while we were in Utah with family and I sent her a birthday card, an email and called her twice. No responses to any of them and that hurt me a ton. We get back home to hear on the answering machine, my Ex (the coward) telling me that in the best interest of the child, DD, that I would not have to pick her up because she didn’t want to come to live with me anymore. He went on to say that we would work out a solution in mediation later on that next week. After my mini gasket blowing up in my ears, I called my Bishop at church and he told me to wait until Monday to talk to my attorney and then see. Monday comes around, attorney shocked that I did not call cops on Saturday when it happened. I call the cops and have them go to Ex’s house. After all that, DD is not coming home, is declared a runaway and in the best interest, I let her stay there, because if I dragged her to my house, she’d really run away in the middle of the night and then I’d be more worried about her and lose her all together. Pick your battles carefully as to not make the situation worse! I have not seen her or talked to her in more than 5 weeks. Her choice, I have tried to no avail.

I am giving him custody but I am also giving him everything that goes with it. The boyfriends, curfews, the ala carte school lunches, band fees, attitude, PMS, driving lessons, driving accidents, car troubles, etc….should I go on? All the crap that comes with raising a teen is now being given to him and when she says, Mom, I want this, I want that, I’m going to say, “Sorry, can’t do that. Go ask your Dad.”

I see this as my opportunity at tough love. I figure that in three years I had to send her off to live her life anyway so why not three years earlier? She wants it, and she is going to have to learn that what she thinks is right, may very well not be. Decisions have consequences and now it’s time to show her it’s not easy being a responsible human being.
I pray everyday that she does learn something new that will help her in her life and she grows up responsibly like I taught her to do for fourteen years. God will keep her safe and I have to trust that He will take care of her because she does not want me to. She can’t tell God to "go away, it’s none of your business" like she tells me. That is how I am dealing. My other two kids love me and show me daily through words and action and can’t understand how DD can act this way towards me. They hug me and make my day just by being good and being by my side. My hubby is my strength and I take it day by day. I know the anger and sadness. I don’t cry, I’m still angry most days, but it's getting better. I’ve maybe cried twice about this in 5 months. I am coping and living one day at a time. God is helping me. That’s who I rely on most minutes of the day…

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 3:07am

Hello,
I had to respond to this one because not only have I lived this with my mother, but I faced it with my daughter at 14 (she's now 16).

It's too bad you and you ex don't communicate enough that he would discuss this with you before she (made the desicion) and left. It makes a big difference, even if we are the mean ones and the dads get all the fun.

With that being said, here's the story: I remarried and moved three hours from where her dad still lives. This was very, very hard on her ... plus she was getting a little testy with me and I was losing patience. She was getting me mad all the time. I talked to her dad about it, but he wasn't very happy about the situation either so he wasn't very supportive of my problem with DD. DD decided she was old enough to make the decision to go live with her dad ... no way. I don't care what the courts say. But, I didn't put it like that. I had her make a list of pros and cons of living with me or her dad. It was an eye opener for me to read some of her problems in living with me. I decided I would work on some of the issues she brought up because she really did have some points.

My talk with her consisted of this: I care very much about what's best for you. I want to know your feelings and get your input, but we are the adults and we decide together (me and dad), not a judge and a not a 14 year old where the best place for you to live will be. Plus ... (big point to make) it doesn't matter where you live because I'm going to be involved, setting examples, giving advice and guidance when it's needed. Just changing sceneries doesn't change my job at all. It might change how I do my job, but I'm still going to drive you nuts no matter where you live.

When you talk to her again, my advice would be not to say much about where she is living, tell her you want to listen to everything she has to say about why she thinks it's better to live with dad ... really listen, even if it sounds like a load of crap (because teens can turn things around on you). Then, if you can, discuss these issues with her. Talk to her dad. Let him know that you are still a part of this parenting team and that that is all that matters. It is hard if they aren't under your roof, but you are still her mother and she needs to know this non-negotiable.

As an adult who has lived this, I can promise you it makes a difference down the road in how you react and how you act from this point on. I know it hurts, but don't tell her any of that kind of stuff. Don't scold her, don't put a guilt trip on her ... after all she didn't runaway with a boyfriend, she's at her dads. There shouldn't be any punishment for living with your dad. That's not wrong, it may not be the best, but it's not something to be punished for. Also, back to my dd, I had the advantage of her communicating this desire with me before she hit the road. Between talking to me, making her list and realizing I was seriously going to drive her nuts even at her dads, she was ready to give me a shot at fixing some of the problems on her list, but in return I had a list too and we combined each other expectations. It took some months of working on these things, but I can say I have my sweet little girl back (most of the time).

And I have come to grips with the fact that it's always a possibility she could go live with her dad and I am prepared to parent that way too. This may not have helped, but you really have to be able to talk to your ex and you guys get together on the parenting stuff. Otherwise, you just have to hang in there and keep communicating and parenting from afar with you dd.

Easter babies
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 12:55pm

Lark, you put words to so many of the emotions that I'm feeling. The anger, the sadness... Right now I'm the bad guy since I asked her to leave her cell phone when she went to live with her father. I didn't go into explainations or make a big deal out of it. I just told her and him that it would be best if he added her phone to his plan.

My feelings are that for the past 8 years, he's had her one afternoon a week and two weekends a month and he didn't have to deal with the cell phone bills and doctors appointments, broken ipods, most of her moodiness and all of the other thousand "teenage issues". She thinks he's so wonderful and he wants her with him.....let him start dealing with that stuff. He paid minimal child support all these years and hasn't paid anything in the past 3 months. But yet this poor girl who was treated so horribly, had a new bedroom built for her by my DH, the computer (shared with her younger sister), cell phone, ipod, tv & dvd player in her bedroom etc. She was never grounded or screamed at and no one ever laid a finger on her. I feel like I have to keep defending myself and DH.

What kills me is that no matter what, I never spoke badly of her father. Even when he was screwing up, I always told her that he was her dad and he loves her very much and tried to encourage their relationship. What have I received in return? I feel like DD has been been turned against me and DH.

I'm trying to still be there for her...even though she's caused more pain than she can imagine. Trying to understand her, through my anger and disappointment.

This doesn't even begin to touch on the stress this has caused between DH and I. We're trying to work through it day by day without killing each other and I'm trying to not fall apart...I still have two other DD's that need their mom.

My 9 yo DD has also been dragged through hell with this. I finally found out that with all this "secret planning" that the ex had been asking if she wanted to live with him too. Sometimes she wanted to and sometimes she didn't. When I found out I told him we needed to be on the same page and that she is only 9 years old and she shouldn't even be given the option of deciding who she wants to live with. He agreed....for now. The police and courts WILL be called if he tries to pull anything.

I appreciate the posts with the idea that we all sit down and talk and plan things based on what's in our daughter's best interest....unfortunately that is just not possible. If it were, this man would not have made secret plans for all these months.

I'm sorry that this is so long....I struggle between being okay and not beating myself or my DH up emotionally and just feeling like I'm completely falling apart. It does help that I am not the only parent going through this. If any of you would like to talk through e-mail I can be reached at silly.dreamer@verizon.net

Lilypie Baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:14pm
I think Lark nailed it on the head. I lived this with my dad and mom, and I have already addressed it with my 13 yo DD. She has the option...ONCE...to try to live at her dad's if and when she decides she is ready. She will take NOTHING with her. I bought it...I keep it. He can provide for her and I will always be there for her. She may return home...ONCE, in case she decides it is a mistake. Second time she leaves...she is only welcome home as a visitor and may not move back in. I love her dearly, and I know I will be heartbroken if and when she decides to leave. But I also know how crazy the teen years are. I wanted every bit of freedom I could get, and my mom didn't allow me any. My dad was the opposite and I had so much freedom, I ended up doing drugs, drinking out of control, and getting pregnant. Trust Me!! I am much better for it now, but from 16-18, I was nuts. All you can do it love her, and try to keep the communication open. She will see that your place is her lifeline, and she will migrate back when she is ready. Once thing to note... I mentioned to my Ex that we had discussed her moving in with him when she is ready, and he paniced! He said she was better with me, and he now talks to her about how great she has it at my house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:20pm

Oh, Lark I'm so sorry things have not gotten any better for you. I remember your previous posts.

I have a question, though: when do the courts opine that the child gets to decide where to live? I understand the difficulties in getting a teenager to live with you when they don't want to, but what are the legal standings? I mainly ask b/c my sister is divorced with joint custody of her 8 year old ds. His father, believe it or not, married the woman with whom he had an affair that broke up the marriage when their ds was less than a year old! They now have 3 children of their own, and act like they are "Ozzie and Harriet" and not a relationship that began in deceit and adultery. Anyway, sister is always wondering when the California family courts will not insist that her ds has to see ex, b/c to this day he's not happy to do so, but does so b/c "that's the way it is." He complains constantly that he hates his dad, but there is not much that can be done unless a long protracted legal battle ensues, b/c her ex will fight it to the death. He does not care one iota about the happiness of his ds, just that he has "rights" to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 4:01pm

I know that it is hard not to look at it as a rejection of you but your daughter wanted to
spend more time with her father. Don't view it as a competition and don't view this as "teenage antics". Yes, young women need their mothers but they also need their fathers.

Call every few days and find out how she is doing. Invite her out for a girls' lunch or take her shopping. Plan some time alone with her, without your DH.

At her age, she should have the right to decide how often she sees her non-custodial parent.
Keep your door open. I know it is hard but it will get better in time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:04pm

HI Dragonfly, and everyone else in this thread,

My Ex's attorney is a snot and told her that at age 15, she did not have to go anymore and even bringing in the police, they could not force her to come to my house. Call your local police dept and ask if DS is old enough.
We went to mediation today and now my DD knows that she is in his custody full time. Joint legal and physical custody with residential going to him. I think I am ok with it. It's just going to be a shock when she comes home and sees her room. hahahaha...she told me she wanted to live with Dad and so I cleaned out her room that she shared with her sister(4) and made it the 4 yr old's room mostly. She still has the bunk bed and drawers but her closet space is gone and taken up by dresses from my DD(4). She is gonna be pissed, I am sure but I'm just going to say "you wanted to live with dad, and you do now. DD(4) lives here with us in this house and she deserves the room and space now." Actions, behavior and making adult decisions do have consequences and now she is going to have to live with them. I already cleared it with the counselor and my Bishop at church to clean out her room. It's called tough love and she has to learn that I am not holding onto her and be hurt every time she does something. I'll probably cry when she leaves on Sunday night but my other two will still be here and I'll cuddle up with them and I'll be better.

LONG DAY-One thing that you have to do is don't sacrifice your relationship with your present hubby. Keep that tight and ongoing. She will do what she wants and she sees that it's hurting you. Don't let her see your marraige is hurting too. Talk to him and let him be your rock and you his in this trial. Pray and God will not let you fail at this have faith that this trial is just a trial of life that we all knew we were going to have when we came to Earth for. (Preaching, sorry). God loves us and won't let us take anything more than we can handle. You can get through this!!!! If I can, so can you, trust me!!

Hope to have better news on Friday when she comes home. I haven't seen her since or talked to her since July 6th. We'll see...

LARK

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