15 yo daughter has gone to live with dad
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| Thu, 08-03-2006 - 4:03pm |
I'm going to try to condense this...please forgive me if it gets a little long.
My 15 yo daughter decided (after a few months of secret planning with her bio father) that she would rather live with him than her step dad and myself. Apparently "we" (step dad and myself) are mean and it's "not like that" at her dad's. The reason behind everything being kept secret is because my dd was convinced (or had been convinced) that if she told me I would get mad, freak out and disown her.
All I've done since I found out about this is cry. I am so hurt and so devastated that she is claiming she was so unhappy with us. I bounce back and forth between pain and anger. She left and went with her father (he lives locally) within 24 hours of our initial conversation. I told her that I didn't want her to go...that I didn't feel it was the best thing for her but that I honestly could not stop her. My ex and I have joint custody of dd and her younger sister (9).
It's been the classic situation of my husband and myself feeling like we do all the disciplining and have to play the bad guys and her father has always been able to play "superdad" every other weekend and one afternoon per week to her and her sister. She resents her step dad for being a firm parent (he is strict, but very giving and loves her very much) We have been together since dd was 7. Apparently she has made me out to be some monster that she couldn't talk to...unfortunately, she never gave me a chance.
She says being at her dad's makes her "happy". I would imagine it does make her happy right now. My ex is much more lenient. He has a younger gf who treats dd like they're on the same level and there are usually no plans or schedules in their household. Yes, my dh and I were more strict. But we were also loving, caring parents who were only trying to do our best.
My question is what do I do now? Do I try to be a good mom and just be there for her or do I back off? I've talked to her a couple of times in the past few days and all I do is cry. Do I show a little tough love and let her see that the grass isn't greener on the other side or take the approach that our door is always open to her? I'm so confused....

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Lark, I will be thinking of you on Friday. I hope that your visit goes well. On Friday I need to meet the ex at US Cellular so we can switch DD's cell from my plan to his. I will be pleasant and not bite at the snide comments I know he will make over the fact that the cell phone was a birthday gift that I refuse to continue paying for.
Tomorrow I will be meeting DD and taking her to lunch. I'm going to try my very best to just have a nice visit....although believe me there are so many things I would like to say to her right now. We spoke by phone yesterday and she says she does want to talk to me/see me, but she doesn't want to talk about "things" right now.
I'm trying so hard to put things in perspective and realize that we only have our children with us for a short time and we don't always have the choice over when they decide to go out into the world. I know I need to step back and let her make her way. Let her make her own mistakes. I'll let her know that the door is always open to her and I'm always here for her.
But on the other hand....I agree with Lark on giving some tough love. I want to be there and I want a relationship with her, but I don't want to make this so easy for her either. Doing that just makes me feel like she'll have gotten her way and not had to deal with the consequences of her actions and the pain that she's caused. But... I am a firm believer that what comes around goes around. I have a feeling that when she realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side that it will be a rude awakening for her, but we'll just have to wait and see.
Just a p.s. regarding DH...
Lark, you are absolutely right. I know that DH and I need to pull together and not let this break us. It seemed like for a few days there that we almost turned on each other. There was no where else for the pain to go and we just lashed out. We are trying to be strong though and be there for the other DD's and each other.
I cant believe after I have worked so HARD for the past 4 years to KEEP him in the school district that he would CHOOSE to change schools.
I hate the thought of him being MORE influenced from his dad. I HATE the thought of him living in the "perfect family" the ex walked out on us when he was 10, he was cheating and got physically violent with me. Married the girl he was cheating with and they had a daughter whos soon to be 3, the wife also has a 6 year old.
I HATE that I have always been the one to try to hold things together and that in one moment he could walk out on me.
I dont know quite how to get my mind around the changes. I spent most of yesterday bawling. Today is better.
Yes, a boy needs his father, but NOT a father that TEACHES him to mistreat women. Yes the new wife is mistreated too.
I know the grass is always greener. I know a lot of it IS the simple fact that he is a teenager, I do remember being 14.
This is not something that I thought I would have to face, call me naive.
It hurts. Its good to see and know that there are other people trying to find their way through this as well.
I think what I got most out of reading this thread was well said, he shouldnt be punished for living with his dad. I will try to keep it in mind in the coming days.
chaos
Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
Chaos, I feel for you and am so sorry for what you're going through. I know exactly the range of emotions you're feeling...I think I've been through every one of them this past week.
I imagine I could fight for DD to live with me, but like you, have the feeling of why fight when they don't even want to be there? I feel like for the past 7 years I've done the disciplining and played the bad guy when needed and he didn't have to take on that responsibility and always got to be fun and didn't need to be strict.
Please hang in there and know that you're not the only one out there going through this.
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