15 yr old refuses to follow rules
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15 yr old refuses to follow rules
| Wed, 06-28-2006 - 5:01pm |
My 15 year old daughter is a mess! We have had problems with her for a couple of years now. She's been to 4 counselors, she lies to them all, she's been reported as a runaway and the police put her in the Childrens Home for 2 nights, she's used drugs, and she continually lies. She did have a job until today, when we made her quit because she told us she was working and she really wasn't. She drove her car, which is to be used for to and from work and school at this age, apparenlty to some friends that we don't know. I confronted her about it and she just tries to lie her way out of everything. Last week we tested her for drugs and there was signs of pot and cocaine. Now, she's telling us that she doesn't want to live by our rules, she wants to live out on her own with friends, she can work, and go to school. She doesn't care if she's dirt poor. She's been very disrespectful to my husband any myself. She's got a terrible attitude. We told her she's grounded, we took away her cell phone, the car keys, and she's grounded. I don't know what else to do with her. Nothing seems to sink in to her. Does anyone have any ideas? I can't quit my job to stay home and "babysit" her, but I really don't trust her either.

Wow! You must feel half crazy. I know your pain, been in that same situation with our son, who is now 17. Some days I feel like I am holding on to my sanity by a thread. I did discover though, that the more we tighten up, the worse it got, so we changed our plan and instead of taking everything away, we sat down to talk about what was reasonable. We also told him we knew what it was to be that age and described situations we had been in that were less than desirable, such as drinking, sex, etc. We try not to ask what he will do with the rest of his life, where is he going, what is wrong with him, what was he thinking. Usually when what you are doing does not seem to be working, it's a good time to change, even if it wasn't part of your original plan. One-on-one seems to work better than two against one (they view it that way). Sometimes I tell him that I'm really worried about his dad, working so hard, or that I'm not feeling well, or worried about money, or his grandparents. I think asking for help is better than telling them what to do. Such as..."this box is pretty heavy and my hand has been hurting me, can you help me lift it onto the table?" "Thanks, I really appreciate the help" "I'm sorry, sometimes I forget how grown up you've become". Maybe if we say to them the things we would like to hear ourselves it would be more beneficial. By the way, they love to feel like they are needed, not used to do the jobs we don't want to do.
A good day is when we don't fight, there are less fights lately. I work 30 hrs a week and he does the housework. I pay him. It seems to be working for the past 8 weeks. It's not perfect but it's better. Hang in there, I'm still trying.
I really feel for you as I have BTDT with my DS. From the time he was 15 until he was 17 1/2 were the worst years of my life. the last 2 years have been so much better but there are still problems every few months. You need help from counselors, this isn't something you can handle on your own. Your DD is going out of control and you need someone to help before something serious happens. We were lucky enough to get our DS into counseling for a year as a family & then once he was arrested the judge agreed to sentence him to a rehab program I had found. This program worked wonders. It was a day treatment program that worked with teens to teach them to make choices & to focus on harm reduction. DS learned to listen to those in the program, they realized that he was a leader & gave him opportunities to lead which increased his self esteem. They didn't expect the kids to stop drinking or using drugs but rather worked with them to plan out safe choices. The result was that DS gave up all drugs with the exception of pot which he has only used twice in the last year. He rarely drinks even though he is of legal age but if he drinks there is no driving. My DS would be dead now without the help we got.
I went into counseling for a year myself to keep sane. I'm a profession who provides guidance to others and I couldn't handle my own child. But no matter how horrible it is, you need to find the strenght to keep trying. Recently, my DS sent me a card on which he wrote - thank you for never giving up on me. This means so much especially as we still have problems with our relationship at times. Take care of yourself and visit the troubled teens site as they have many people who have or are having similar problems.
Dee