15yo Daughter - Stop the Roller Coaster!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
15yo Daughter - Stop the Roller Coaster!
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Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:39pm

Okay...I know the roller coaster ride isn't anywhere NEAR being over. Sometimes, I throw my hands up and want off, but I get thrown back on it. After all, IT'S HER ROLLER COASTER!!!!! I feel like I my shoestring is caught in the wheels of the coaster, I'm being dragged, and it's up to her to free me. Plain and simple...it's not a ride I enjoy AT ALL. Well, I'll give you some input on my daughter. She's 15...pretty...a cheerleader...easy to get along with, polite, respectful, helpful, pleasant, cheerful, good-natured when away from home. Some say that cheerleading or schoolwork might be at the root of her emotions, but I can tell you that she doesn't apply herself very strenuously in either. I will start with last night's happenings - this is a totally typical evening, and at the calm "straightaway" part of the coaster ride, as usual. I took her tanning for homecoming at about 9:30 at night. This is late for me to want to be out on a weekday...I like to be relaxing before bedtime, but gladfully took her since she was babysitting all evening for a family from church. I took her, picked her up, had a great conversation...she came home, got on the phone, and then went to bed without any problems or confrontations. (It was almost picture-perfect, but take note, I've never strived for perfection.) :) Anyhow, we all woke up for school and work (I babysit at home). I take her to school 30 minutes before I take my other two kids to school. (We live about 6 blocks away.) She gets in the van, and when I hand her lunch money, she complains about the four quarters I give her along with the bills...because that's all I had in my purse. Well, I didn't take it badly, I explained that that's all I had, and that I was sorry. (She has the money in her purse, also, from babysitting last night. I don't expect her to use it for food, but if she was embarrassed about the quarters, then she could do a switcheroo with the money without anyone seeing it...and not be out a cent.) It went from there, to mocking me, to her insulting me...for which I CALMLY grounded her from tonight's planned activities at her friend's house...to her telling me that "I'm stupid" for grounding her...and then her telling me that "You're p*ssing me off!" To that, I tapped (hit, according to her) her yelling mouth with the backs of my fingers to get her attention as to the horrible words that were coming out, as in "hey, can you hear those words?!?"...I was wrong to do this because now, she has something to hold against me. The nasty words didn't stop flowing from her mouth, even after my attempt to make them noticable to her. (Spanking her would have been out of the question due to being in the van and her size, or I would have. I'm not a child-beater, or would ever WANT to hurt a child. To each his own. I edited this to make myself more clear...spanking is not a new idea nor is it a moral issue.) Needless to say, she wouldn't get out of the van when we finally got to school so I brought her back home, where the chaos escalated. She gets in my face, in my way, blocking me, and dares me to "hit" her again. I didn't, but I was close. I instead found the phone book and was going to call the school to come and get her because I knew that things wouldn't get better before getting worse...but my DD threw the phone book in the floor before I could find the number. By this time I knew that I needed to hurry and call someone to help me out, so I called my hubby, who, needless to say, was ticked at the both of us - her for acting that way, and me for not being tougher on her. He wants to ground her for a month because "we don't get anything from her so she doesn't get anything from us." This means phone, computer, driving the vehicles (learner's permit), money...but he would allow her to go out. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely right simply grounding her from the phone, computer, AND going out, but only for a week. I know that the long-term solution would be torture for her, but I think that actually NOT seeing her friends would be even worse. In the long run, it really wouldn't matter...she can be an angel one moment and then be a horrible, nasty, evil stranger the next. I really don't know which way to turn, both punishment-wise as well as "tactically." I've tried the "calm" approach to her needing to argue...and it obviously doesn't work when she's either two feet away in the front of a van or blocking me in a room or hallway. If I puch past her, she pushes back. I WOULD HAVE NEVER DREAMED OF CURSING AT OR PUSHING MY OWN MOTHER!!! I'm not a saint, and I've been told that she is just like I was at that age, but I never, ever felt mad enough to mock, push, curse at, or disrespect my mom like that. When the tears finally fall from my face, she laughs. AM I CRAZY?!? I HATE the roller coaster ride. Help me stay on before I ship her off.

Edited 10/4/2005 1:15 pm ET ET by parzych71




Edited 10/4/2005 1:26 pm ET ET by parzych71

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Avatar for arwen12
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:05pm

Well, there definitely need to be consequences for her behavior. Whatever you and DH decide they should be. Maybe add chores to her list?

The complication here is that you hit her. You can't do that. If it were me or if I were you, I'd apologize for hitting her and talk to her and get her to agree that she was out of line and get her to apologize.

Remember that you are teaching - a lot of times by example - how to handle tough situations.

Now, she didn't get this way overnight. You've been on the roller coaster for a while - what have you done before to try and correct it before it got to this point?

Anyway, because you hit her, you didn't maintain the 'example' of how best to react in situations like that and now you'll have to battle with the 'not fair' part. And, not that it IS fair - life isn't fair - you are the parent - but you did just make enforcing consequences that much harder for yourself. And, it sounds like while the incident was clearly getting out of hand before, once you hit her, it got out of control.

You need to maintain calm mature control.

Next time she speaks to you that way, and trust me, there will be a next time - start off with "well, you are now grounded for tonight. Care to try for more?" and see if she continues on... if she does, then ground her for the weekend or take away whatever acces you want or add chores - you should have a plan that you and DH agree to and you need to be tough and consistent.

You have to be consistent and put consequences for these actions each time or it won't get through AND you need to enforce it straight through to the end - or she won't take you seriously in the future.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:17pm

You are not crazy. I would have glady met you last night for a real whine session! My 17 y/o really lost it last night b/c I was going to drive her to an out of town volleyball game. Players aren't allowed to drive themselves to out of town games. She's got a ulcer and I really thought she needed a little quiet time and a snack that she could eat vs the pizza that the coach got them. I thought everything was fine and was on my way out the door when DH called me. She called him and informed him that I was stupid for wasting the gas (I was going to the game whether she rode with me or someone else) and that "17 years with her was enough". I still have no idea where this came from. I called her and tried to calmly explain why I was driving her. I also told her that I didn't deserve that comment. It escalated. I gave in and let her ride with someone else b/c I knew we would only get worse. AFter the game, she rode back with DH and I. By this time, I had such a migraine, I wasn't speaking to anyone. After we got home, I calmly told her that in the future I would drive her to every single out of town game she went to - period. She just walked off. Next thing I know, DH and she are arguing. I couldn't deal with it and just stayed in my office. I had work to do since I left early yesterday to drive her to the game!!

I can tell you that DD was a whole lot worse at 15 than she is now. These little fits aren't near as often or as bad. We've both learned to walk away (usually) and not let things get too out of hand.

So far as the grounding goes, go with whichever way will get her attention the most. For my DD, it was usually chores and not going out on the weekend. If she did the chores very well without complaining and apologized for whatever, we would sometimes let her off for good behavior.

Good Luck (and it really does get better).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:28pm
Thank you! I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, I just need a flashlight evey now and then, I suppose. It's a long tunnel!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:30pm

OMG I swear you are telling a story about my DD who is now 16 when she was that age! Oh how you just want to super glue those smart lips shut! I found that one of the most effective ways to get control was total grounding from everything for one week then slowly returning privledges. If things got out of control again she would lose again. Once it took her 4 months to get all her privledges back. For my daughter one of the greatest losses was her makeup. The first time I took it away from her she called DHS on me for child abuse! She still stares daggers through me when she gets mad but she has learned to keep her mouth shut and her hands to herself. I don't know if she outgrew the stage or got tired of being grounded but it did finally end (Praise the Lord)!

Good luck
and remember they do finally grow up
Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:39pm
Take away her make-up!! OMG that would so work with my DD and I never thought of it. She would just ground herself before she would leave home without her make-up. I think I would have to let her have it to go to school b/c she would be so upset she wouldn't learn a thing!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 1:52pm

Arewn gave you some great advice about laying the punishment on her immediately when she starts mouthing off.

You say you've tried the "calm" approach and it hasn't worked. I think you need to stick with it a little longer - a wise friend (she's a shrink) once told me that when a child is faced with a calm reaction to a tantrum (or similar behavior) their first reaction is to upgrade (thinking they just aren't loud enough, rude enough or tantrumy enough) trying to get a rise out of you. If you hang in there with the calm but firm approach you will prevail.

If you had called the school, would they have actually come and gotten her? This is something I've never heard of. Just curious.

Anyway, one thing I've learned - and continue to learn on a regular basis - is that when it comes to dealing with a teen, it's not what you say that counts the most. Most often, it's what you don't say.

Best of luck to you and I hope you see more of the angel dd than her evil twin sister!

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 2:16pm

I disagree with the term 'hit'..........of course we weren't there, BUT if it happened exactly as the mom said, then I would not call that hitting-----sometimes you MUST reach out and touch your kid to MAKE THEM HEAR YOU----not hit, not harm, but I've taken my son by the shoulders and made him look right at me-----does this mean I 'grabbed' him or 'manhandled' him?

We as parents, IMO, are too easlily swayed by society---me included----you can't touch your own child because you are abusing them..................now this opens a whole can of worms, and I am not trying to get into the 'abuse' topic, but parents DO have the right to dicipline their kids (yes, there is a difference in dicipline and abuse)! If reaching out while in a vehicle and taping your childs lips with the BACK of your fingers constitutes hitting, then call ME crazy.........

I think that schools and parents and every orginization takes the 'rights' of these kids way too seriously---and if you've read any of my other posts, you know I'm actually quite liberal........but the 'sue happy' society we live in has forced schools and orginizations to not do anything with unruly kids in their care, and parents are afraid of discipline, so it's no wonder things are so out of hand.

I'm the first to admit, and some of you have outright told me that I am waaayyyyy to easy with my DS---that he walks all over me---and he does----I CRAVE his happiness so our lives can be happy---so I try to MAKE it happen, and it almost always backfires----and I pay dearly sometimes for those decisions, but hey, we do the best we can in the moment, you know?

I think the mom that wrote this is dealing with a particular voitile situation, and in her shoes, I'd be doing the same thing.........but I also know that tomorrow, or the next day, I'd wake up and wonder to myself "why did I get sooooo upset?" Things always look better tomorrow.

I wish I had alot of advice for the mom-----at the age our kids are at, it is nearly impossible to FORCE them to do anything..............if she continues to act out, or refuses to go to school without makeup (should you take that away), or whatever---then leave her at home---don't give her an excused absence, and if she gets suspended for 'skipping' she may lose her cheerleading spot...............sure, she can refuse to get out of your vehicle, or refuse to leave the house, but so be it..........the rest is her choice-----you made every accomodation to get her to school------Now with that said, much easier said than done, I know---I have a manipulative child--life will be hell!

Good luck, and I am not trying to get into a debate about abuse----we stopped spanking our kids many many years ago, and never have since. It isn't a moral or judgement of others issue---it just didn't work for us-----taking away things works MUCH better in our house...........we live a life of hell DURING the punishment, but it works.

Good luck, and arwen, not trying to get on your case----just trying to give a different viewpoint----personally, I don't think hitting is the answer either, but sometimes somthing radically different (please understand WITHIN REASON) needs to be done.......and I think the definition of hitting or getting physical is different for different people.....Abuse is out of the question---getting someones attention is somthing else......

Thanks,
Shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:45pm
I've been there too currently handling two teenage daughters! I think we're all forgetting what it was really like at that age. I do believe that hormones play a big part in their attitude and behavior, not that I feel that hormones are an excuse to be disrepectful to a parent. I think the age old quote "pick your battles" comes into play. If it were me, and perhaps I would have done the same thing as you had done, I would have just simply taken back the lunch money. If she doesn't like change, then she doesn't get the lunch money. Said and done. She had money of her own to eat with so you knew she wouldn't starve. If my girls turn away money that I am willing to share with them, then it's their problem to pay on their own. If she continued to talk in a disrepectful manner, I would then proceed to ground her but I would give myself time to determine the grounding. I think not allowing them to socialize with their friends hits the hardest. I do believe, though, that a few more lunch periods without any money would have done the trick.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 8:56pm

Well....maybe you should ship her off. Seriously. Nothing like a little boarding school, away from home and discipline to teach someone respect.

Its totally okay that you lost your cool a bit with her. She was out of line. And frankly, because I was raised in a European immigrant home, if I had talked like that I would have gotten the spanking of my life. And my mother was an even bigger spanker than my dad. Really, it would have hurt too much to sit down.

Do I advocate spanking? Not really. But what I do advocate is taking a strong position that you are her parent and an adult and as such you deserve to be treated with respect. You afford her every opportunity in life and she needs to learn humility and gratitude.

I may not have hit my dd in the same situation (although with my temper it would likely have taken every ounce of control I have) but I certainly would have raised my voice and I agree with your husband that the punishment needs to be severe purely from a principle point of view.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 10:32pm
Hi ,i know what your going threw my 16yr. old does that to me,i also never did that to my mom ever!!!!! What does that tell you,start kicking a ---!!!and ground her she needs it,and so does mine!!!!

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