15yr old niece pregnant

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
15yr old niece pregnant
12
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:34pm
Hello everyone,
I was hoping I could get some advice. My 15 year old niece just let us know a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant.Of course we were shocked and devastated. She wasnt even aloud to date and is very immature so that was the last thing we had excepted.The only reason she told us is I hade her an appointment that week to get birth control pills just to be safe.(a little late huh?). We found out that she had been sneaking out with a 19 yr old boy that she had been forbidden to even talk to on the phone. They are planning on having the baby and he said that he will help out even though he has no job. My sister and I have decided to be there for her and help her any way we can. Her father and the rest of our family is furious. They want him arrested and for her to be sent away to a home for unwed mothers.I am not sure what is the right thing to do. The only thing I dont agree with is her mother lets her do whatever she wants now,like all of a sudden she is an adult. She lets her go out all of the time now even lets her go stay overnight with the bf. I have taken her to her drs app and have been trying to educate her by buying books and watching films. She has no idea what she is in for. She is still a child herself. Her mom works all the time . Im afraid I will be the one ending up raising this child and I am not ready to do that. Anyway thanks for reading my post. Any advice or replies would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:58pm
Bless you heart. You are in a situation I hope to never find myself.
I think you decision to stand by your neice is the best thing you can do for her right now. I mean, whats done is done, and she needs your support at this point. I also think an unwed mothers home is a good idea, for her to bond with other girls in her situation.
My mom had a baby at 16, and my g-parents forced her to put the baby up for adoption. She said that was the most traumatic experience of her life. When she was in labor she locked herself in the bathroom because she knew she was about to have to give up her baby. (BTW-we now have a relationship w/my 1/2 sister, and we live in the same city!)
As far as the 19 y/o man, I would definantly press charges. What does a 19 y/o man want with a 15 y/o girl! I think that is terrible!
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:31pm

Wow, {{Hugs}} to you!

As hard as it is, I agree that you should pursue the legalities with the 19yo. He may say he'll help now, but what about 6 months, 3 years, 10 years from now? There needs to be some legal paperwork to make sure he is taking care of his child. You know your neice won't be able to by herself and that means the burden will fall unfairly to the family. There could be all kinds of felony charges involved if you wanted to go to whole route. (I know from personal experience that in our state, if the law finds out they will take the choice away and prosecute to the fullest.)

I also agree that a home for unwed mothers will give her a chance to come to terms with the life-changing decision she has made, and give her a more realistic idea of what's in store. It will remove her from the cocoon of the family and be a reality check. Then maybe she can return home and not expect you and her mother to completely raise her child. She needs to take the responsibility in whatever way she can. She has no idea...

Regardless of what has happened, she is still a child and is not ready to be an adult. Giving her free reign is not going to help her become an intelligent adult. She still needs those rules and guidelines to rely on--especially now that everything else in her world is upside down.

She is still impressionable--if it doesn't go against your personal beliefs (or those of the family) take her to an adoption counselor, talk to other young girls who have placed babies for adoption, watch informational videos about adoption. I agree that forcing it isn't right, but you may be able to help her reach the decision for herself that she may not be ready to raise a child while there are millions of parents out there waiting anxiously for babies.

Just my 2cents.
Dani

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:53pm

Well, God Bless you for putting yourself into the position of caretaker for your neice and her baby, and appparently your sister as well.

Well, since it's been decided that she will keep the baby, I think the first think I'd do is get her to the DR so she can find out what she needs to know about carrying the life of a child within her body. She needs to know and HEAR it from someone what to expect. Books are great, but in my experience, 15 y/o's are more visual about things like understanding thier bodies. You can contact BirtRight or Planned Parenthood for videos, etc., to help your neice understand what's to come.

As for the BF and her father's family's reaction: IMO, thier reaction is more normal than accepting this so easily and allowing her to jump into the role of adult. It's very easy for pregnant teens to romanticize this situation...oh, we're so in love and we're having this baby together....and then....WHAM! The baby is here, money is tight, the rest of thier lives lies before them but they have this albatross of a baby to be concerned with, to take care of and be responsible for - it's going to be incredibly overwhelming. I would limit the contact, regardless of thier plans for a future. She is still underage and she is not an adult, she is still a student and he is a man, he's of legal age and she is not. That matters. Fine, they can still see each other if they choose, but no sleepovers. Heck, they managed to have sex and get pregnant without sleep overs before, the can figure it out now too. Speaking with someone at BirthRight or PP will also enable your neice to be in touch with people who have experienced this - kids who thought they could make it work, but then found themselves alone with a baby.

I really have to shake my head in amazement at this situation or any like it. It's appalling to me that your sister would allow her 15 y/o dd to sleep over a MAN's house, even if he did get her pregnant. I will keep these kids in my prayers - they will need it.

And, again, God Bless you - you have a heavy load ahead of you. I'm sorry if I offended you, I'm just telling you how I see it. Being a parent of two dd's, 16 and 18, I honestly tell you things would go down very differently at my house. Hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:52pm

I think one thing you need to do is determine what you are and are not willing to do and be clear with your niece on that immediately

I have known many women who agreed to help out thinking it would be for a year or so who now have 3 to 8 year old children they have full responsibility for(usually not legally-still holding out hope the young mom will step up)

Be careful-please!

Her mother is probably upset right now and has thrown up her hands and delved into work to deal with the pain. I am not saying that's the right thing to do but I understand how one can do strange things with their grief

Make her as responsible as you can. She should be setting up dr appointments and looking at how to finance her future.

Does the 19 year old without a job have an apartment? Lving at home?

Get out the want ads and start looking at rent. Take her shopping and make her choose healthy foods, note the price of diapers, and SOMEHOW get through to her how costly a baby can be

I wouldnt worry about the birth end-that will handle itself after all. Its afterwards when the work begins

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:31pm

hugs to you and the family! and bless you for looking out for your neice.

I also agree that a home for unwed mothers is a good idea - if only because she will get the psychological type of help that she needs, she will talk to others in a similar situation and hopefully get some insight on her life.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:00pm
Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I contacted the only place here for unwed mothers and they have a long waiting list,so thats out of the question. She is 3 months pregnant and having her sonogram this week. No matter what they are keeping the baby. They do have thus fantasy that they are in love and want to play house. The guy said he is just waiting around until she is 17 (she turns 16 April 27)then he will take her and the baby and move out of town.In the meantime her bf parties all of the time and hangs out with his friends. He is nice to her one day then the next totally mean to her. He often stands her up after they had made plans. She is so in "love" that he can do anything to her and she will stick by him. My sister is the only one that can press charges and she believes that will not solve anything. It will only make her daughter hate her and make it harder for him to find a job later on with charges on his record.We all got in an argument last night due to she wanted to stay with her bf.overnight again. I said no but she kept arguing with my sis until my sis broke out in tears and told her to just go and dont come back. I am raising my other two nieces that are 8 and 11 and if we dont do something about this they will be pregnant at a young age also. My sis asked me if we should just let her go live with him(he lives with his mother)for awhile so she can see how hard it is being on your own. Im just afraid she wouldnt be taken care of and wouldnt go to her appointments. I dont know. I am just overwhelmed. I dont have anyone to really talk to. Im 30 and went from having one son to 4 kids. Its quite an adjustment especially when on is pregnant. Thanks again everyone. Just reading my post and all of the advice has helped tremendously!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:16pm

Well I don't know why YOU would end up caring for your niece's child. I understand your concern for her well being and all that but she's your sister's responsibility and not yours.

I think you need to speak to your sister about your concerns. Just tell her what you told us that you don't think she needs to be going out all night etc. Its not healthy for her or the baby anyway -- she needs to care for herself. And she needs to get herself educated and prepared for the future. Too many teenage moms abandon their studies and school and that's where parents of pregnant teens often go wrong...they need to ensure that they still get educated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:52pm
I completely agree with you that it is not my responsibility. I have voiced my concerns to her mother but she deals with it by working all of the time and drinking alcohol. I do live with them so I feel obligated to be there for her. She is still going to school but not doing well. I will push her to graduate but if she doesnt I have already contacted Adult Education for her GED. They said that she cannot even take the classes until she turns 17.I had a long talk with her last night and somebody told her that since she is pregnant she didnt have to wait until she was 17 to leave home. That her mom couldnt do anything about it if she left. Does anyone know if this is true? I have a feeling he is talking her into leaving town soon. That really scares me. Thanks again for your advice. Believe me if her mom took on the responsibility I would gladly step back. I just love my niece and have to be there for her when nobody else is. Have a great day everyone. Take care.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:15pm

I'm curious as to why he wants to move her out of town so desperately? If he were the mature, responsible young man he claims to be or she thinks he is, then he would see that at this time above any other she will need to be nearest to her family.

I really still do not understand why it seems that everyone is taking this lying down. Has anyone met with his family? Has anyone met with him, you know, have a sit down around the kitchen table to discuss thier immediate needs and figure out a plan? Is he allowed in the house? Is he treated well? Is he respectful of your strong presence in neice's life? The answers to those questions are important and can be very telling.

It sounds like a very controlling and abusive relationship to me that he wants to move her away so fast. And if he's telling her these things, I would be more diligent in letting the niece know about all of her options, with or without the BF.

Her mother needs a knock in the head; I would almost be tempted to contact child services so the neice gets the attention and help she needs. You are there seeing it first hand - do you honestly think that you have any control over this girl, her mother, or the BF? Do you really believe that being there as basically a part time babysitter will have a big impact on the well being of your niece and her unborn child? Quite frankly, while you are to be commended for your efforts, I think this may become very overwhelming for you and at some point, you may just have to give up. And then what? Your neice is left with a potentially controlling and abusive BF, alone without her family, with a baby on her own.

Why is everyone tiptoeing around the BF? I'd press charges for statutory rape and let it go to the courts. In the meantime, his true colors will reveal themselves and your neice will at least have her family to help her out should she choose, in the end, to keep her baby. Sorry if this sounds harsh - I am not criticizing you, just the situation - it's very upsetting to me. Your neice needs protection now more than ever and her mother is not stepping up to the plate because she doesn't want to upset anyone. Neice is only 15 and as much as I hate saying this, she doesn't know what is good for her and unfortunately the only adult in her life who has a say is not doing anything to protect her. That's shameful.

I will keep you, neice and her baby in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 3:09pm
Thanks for your reply. I really dont agree with you that I am taking this lying down.I am absolutely not tiptoeing around the Bf. We have met his parents. They are not good role models. We have sat down with him and discussed there immediate needs. He did step up and go to a trade school and received a certificate.Now he just needs to find a job.He is very respectful to me and knows that my niece and I have a strong bond and he says that he wont take her away from us. He just has made some comments about moving out of town for better job opportunities. Believe me CPS and the sherrifs office has been called by me, her father, my mom and my other sister. They have said that it is up to the mother to press charges. She feels that that will just make her daughter hate her and make it harder for him to find work with charges on his record. He really wont be able to help support her and help out financially from jail. Even when she went to her dr they said that they would press charges only if he turned 20 before she turned 16. That is not the case so they left it alone. I really dont see myself as just a part time babysitter. I live here and have raised her 3 kids for the last 4 years. I am doing everthing I can.Thats why Im am the adult that is stepping up to the plate and she will be protected. Thanks again for your reply. You were not too harsh at all. THe situation makes me very angry myself but that wont help solve anything. Whats done is done. All I can do is love her, be there for her. Thank you. I appreciate your help.

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