16 year old daughter in over her head!
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16 year old daughter in over her head!
| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 6:46pm |
Hi all-I'm new here. I'm a mom to a college freshman daughter and a 16 year old junior in HS. The 16 year old is the one keeping me up at night. She started dating a boy in December of her freshman year and things moved a bit too quickly and got way too serious-including sex. After a little over a year of dating, he cheated on her with another girl. Everyone believes this to be true, except my daughter! They broke up, but have been talking and hanging out together again recently. He's not a bad kid, just a typical teenage boy-bottom line though- I don't trust him and don't want her getting hurt by him again. I've tried to tell her how I feel and have limited their time together. I need some help and ideas to keep the lines of communication open-I'm afraid that allowing limited contact will blow up in my face or worse, cause her to lie about her whereabouts. I've tried explaining my concerns-which are: she's a junior and needs to be thinking about college-school is her job now and needs to be her focus-not a boy! She needs to spend time with friends-both girls and boys-in groups-the whole exclusive relationship thing at this age is a disaster waiting to happen-of course, hindsight is 20/20, but I also have the benefit of experience here, which she could care less about! I need some ideas and suggestions for handling this situation so I don't push her away for good. Of course, my husband thinks we should castrate the poor boy, but I think that's a bit extreme! Thanks in advance for any ideas!

I'm not a parent but I was a teen dater. I started dating my now husband at 15, got engaged at 18 and married at 22. I don't think there is anything wrong with her dating him and dating and school can be done at the same time. I went out with friends, finished college with a 3.75 gpa and married the only guy I ever dated. Nothing "bad" happened to me because I had a steady boyfriend all through school.
As for limiting her time with him unless she is in danger I would let her see him. I know you want to protect her from heartbreak but you can't. She will probably go through it many times in many ways (boy and friendship wise) She is also at a great age to figure out what is and is not acceptable to her in a relationship. I would put normal limits on her as my parents did when I was 16. I had to be home by 10, we could not be alone, 1 hour of phone per day and if we left his or my house my parents had to know where I was at all times.
I think if you say you can't see him she will turn away from you.
And if she has already been dating at a younger age and become sexually active, you won't be able to just put a stop to that. I'm sure there are plenty of things that you see about this guy that are rubbing you the wrong way, but dd doesn't see it that way and no matter how much you tell her she isn't going to see if until she is ready to.
I agree with the previous poster, make the rules reasonable, tell her you expect her to pay attention to her school work and keep her grades up and also set some consequences for poor grades etc.
Good luck,
Kristie
As long as he is not putting her in physical danger, it is not your place to intervene IMO.
It isnt only boys who hurt girls or boys who 'cheat'. Having boys, I know of more incidents of boys being true and girls cheating than the other way around. Sometimes, when a girl seems to bear what her BF is doing more than mom can understand, maybe its because she knows she has done something similar herself.
I'm not saying 'sex' but I think, at this stage, some heavy making out or flirting would not be unusual. They're teens! Impulse control isn't exactly soldered in place!
They may have a true bond and be better able to handle things this year
I think you got alot of excellent advice here and you as well make a number of very good points with respect to the negatives of having teenage relationships.
That said, attempting to stop or control this relationship now is rather like trying to reign all the horses in after the barn door has been flung wide open! That ship has sailed per se, so I agree with all the other posters that ground rules regarding school grades, home and family responsibilities and her taking care of her emotional and physical well-being are important conversations to have with her.
As for the boy cheating, well, he wouldn't be the first nor will he be the last. Even adults in fully-committed relationships cheat all the time. Happens more than you might be aware. And yet as adults we learn how to evaluate people and relationships based on more than one mistake or one aspect. And its a good lesson for your daughter to learn too -- part of learning how to forgive and move forward. And its SHE who has to learn how to trust him at this point.
Good luck to you guys and please, don't castrate the poor boy (lol). He's just a kid and if Bill Clinton, President of the US, couldn't even figure out how to control his urges, how easy could it be for a teenage kid? Just set the rules on your expectations regardless of relationships your dd might be in and keep the doors open.
I also agree with other posts. I think you can limit her time with him inadvertently by insisting she focus on college searches, homework, and encouraging time with friends. You can still set appropriate boundaries regarding the type of contact she may have with him, but that must apply to all boys and cannot be a punitive move applied only to him b/c you don't like him. I learned something important when I went back to college recently and I met a lot of young women who had never dated or didn't date much while in high school. As soon as they got away from their parents, they went buck wild and made such horrible mistakes with guys. I realized that my dd would make mistakes dating, but I would rather she make those mistakes while she was still living at home with me and I could support her, provide some limitations and supervision, and otherwise assist her through the process before she was out on her own. Its been painful for me to watch her date a guy I didn't like and didn't treat her the way I thought he should. But it was her choice. He wasn't a bad kid, but he was a kid and he didn't get everything right. And I would rather she make her mistakes now, while they don't matter so much, than later, when she might be actually choosing a mate. The chances of her marrying a high school boyfriend are next to nothing (she's going on to get a doctorate degree). But she's got to learn sometime.
So let your dd learn now, under your supervision, and realize that at least you get to be part of the process. As painful as it may be to watch our children make mistakes, it's better to be a part of it and to help them through it, than to be on the outside looking in. Keep the lines of communication open so that she can still come to you for advice and you can continue to teach her what to look for in a healthy relationship, what is right, what is wrong, and then let her decide what to do.
What I have seen with kids is they tend to have a bit of a freak out either their junior or senior year. The trouble comes in that they are freaking out over future decisions - everyone is asking about college choices and majors and reality is kids don't even know half of what they don't know they don't know yet. I swear unless it is a major like engineering kids should be required to just have liberal arts for the first two years. I don't know if you have her on the pill but I think you should talk with her about this. I have seen far too many bright girls who get pregnant - and sometimes I wonder if it is so the future picks her and she is 'off the hook' for making any real decisions.
Remember the more you do not like this young man the more appealing he becomes! I think you need to sit HIM down and have a conversation personally. As a mother of boys I would also like a phone call because I know when I was young we told the boys parents certain things like sleeping together was ok with my parents and they did not have a clue. Also, you can set limits on the time they are alone by constantly communicating with his parents. Yes, awkward but getting on the same page is a good thing.
My aunt actually limits date night to one night of the weekend for my 17 year old cousin. It is very hard to tell any teenage girl anything about love and feelings because everything is new and completely passionate right now. Capture her in the car for a long conversation or go for a walk - remember what it was like to be her age and listen more than you talk. Ask questions without judgement - she will listen to what you have to say.
Good Luck
Courtney
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