16 yo about to become father

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
16 yo about to become father
7
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 3:01am

My 16 year old has informed my hubby and i tonight that he is about to become a father.  To make matters worse, he will be moving within the next month to where she lives, 3 hours away.  We have been homeschooling him for the last few months as he struggles in school and did not do well in a school setting, so his education will come to an end, he claims he will find an outreach school in the new town and do it thru them, but he currently only has a grade 9 and was working on grade 10.  He has a full time job here and nothing there.  She is only 15, dropping out of school and her mom lives 8 hours away, (5 hours from us), her mom decided a few months ago to pack up and move and not take her daughter, leaving the girl with her older sister and brother, where my son says, there is alot of fighting and very small place.  My son s's aid he will go up there and get a job doing what he does now, they will get an apartment together with a friend of theirs and he will support her.  He claims in a couple months, the girlfriends mom will now be heading back to the new town and the two of them will move in with her.  I'm concerned that if she's already taken off, it won't take much before she bolts again.  She has already had my son drive her daughter from our town, go north, pick up her daughter, then the 8 hours south for a quick visit as the Mom doesn't like to drive especially on highways and then promised my son gas money and only gave him $50, which barely covered his trip north and back here, let alone down there and back again. 

I have tried to talk to my son and convince him to have his gf move here,  We have a big house with a kitchen in the basement so they could have their own space if they wanted or come upstairs for meals, rent would be next to nothing and we know he has a good job here and could continue with his education.  We could financially help them out, but her mom would have to make my son pay half the rent in a tiny apartment and do all the errands cause for her age, she's very immature.  I'm also sure that once that baby is born, she will take off after a night of crying and distrurbing her sleep/life.  If she can't raise her 15yo, how will she cope with a baby?  I know I would have the gf attending dr appt and stay healthy, i'm not so sure her mom will, that requires driving to dr and interfering with her life.  my son has tried to talk to gf about living here, but she wants to be with her mom, I get that, as a pregnant girl i would too, but her mom will let them both down again, run away again and leave my son to pick up the pieces

I'm very concerned for my sons future, not so much cause of the baby, thats minor in my opinion, but of the support and what he is giviing up for this future.  he has told me he would rather be here, he doesn't want to go, but feels he has to do what is right,  Guess I did something right in raising him, but damn, cant he be stubborn and make her come here where it will be better for all 3 of them.  I have done nothing but cry for the last 5 hours since he told me because of his moving, I dont want to lose my baby yet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 1:31am

well,, things are progressing not to my satisifaction.  my son has now moved with her 3 hours away to live with her sister, her mom has taken a job about 2 hours north of that town with "promises" to be there in Janurary.  Now my biggest problem is she isnt going to a dr.  she is suffering from severe morning sicknees, my son has taken her to emerg and they tell her its the flu, but i wonder if the kids are being honest about the baby and then she may be getting meds she shouldt be taking.  when she had an appt, my son was on his second day of a new job, so he couldnt take her, her sister wouldnt and she wouldnt take a bus so she didnt go  they dont understand the importNCE of going, how do i ,make the, realize it

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2012
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 1:19am
You sound like an extremely support and wonderful mom. Your son is very lucky! I hope he realizes that! It sounds to me like the girl is hoping her pregnancy will bring her and her mother closer together. It really does sound like her mother hasn't had much to do with her over the years, and she is looking for that love, and wants her mother to want her and need her as much as she does her mother. And unfortunately, it sounds like the mother doesn't care much about her kids, only herself. Your son is being very mature in taking responsibility in wanting to take care of his girl and his baby. But it does sound like if he leaves with her, their lives will become pretty messed up for all of them. If you can meet the girls mother, like you said, and convince her they will be so much better off with you, then maybe she can convince her daughter to stay there. Maybe the mother will even move there as well, so you can all be together. As I see it, they are both so young, and with no adult supervision (doesn't sound like her mother will be around enough), and the two of them trying to raise each other and a baby, it will likely not look good for any of their futures. I wish I had some advice on how to handle it, but you can't make them do what you want, you can only suggest, and continue to offer your love and support. (On a side note, I found out a few months ago that my 15 yr old daughter has become sexually active with her boyfriend of one year. So I'm doing all I can to slow their relationship, until they're both older and more mature. Not an easy task, so I can only imagine what you're going through). Please keep us posted, and I wish you much luck with them. Your son sounds like a great kid! :) Hugs... Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 9:29pm

First, you and hubby are going to love the little stranger!!!!!!! They complicate the heck out of life, but are truly a BLESSING!!!!!!

Second, your parents sound truly outstanding and gave you and your hubby the gift of time to mature and a very good example to follow in this type of situation. Lucky you and them!!!!!!

Third, lots of good suggestions and advice above.

Our daughters became SA at 15 and 16 with two guys their age, guys they started hanging with/dating a few months before there they turned 13 and 14. The couples were 18 and just shy of 17 when they married. While planning the wedding, youngest DD oopsed with her birth control and blessed us with our first grandson seven months after the wedding and a second grandson last May. We are so BLESSED!!!! At 32 months, both marriages are looking very good, but so did the Challenger launch during the first 72 seconds. The final verdict will be out for several more decades.

The couples will be turning 20 and 21 in the next few months and we live with them in a modest three bedroom home with a garage converted into two more bedrooms so that each young couple has two bedrooms for themselves. Both couples have another couple of years attending evening classes before they are finished with their education. All three sets of parents are contributing financially to the both couples what they would have if they were all single and still living at home.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY BTDT THOUGHTS FOR YOU:

I would try to get the kids married and living in my basement. Here, in most of the states, 16 with parental consent is the minimum age for such. Married teens are emancipated and can make decisions for themselves.

Make it clear that you expect them to go the distance “until death do part us.” And if they choose not to, you expect them to have a civilized separation and life after the divorce. That means child support and being fair about visitation. AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, NOT USING THE KID AS A WEAPON AGAINST THE EX!

Make it clear that they BOTH have to get educated so that they can provide for their child and family as there are limits on what you and hubby, and her parents can provide. Around our house this is called the "parental scholarship program" and like all scholarships it does have limits.

Once married, stay out of their business and offer suggestions when asked.

If you step over the line, which you will from time to time, apologize. I can’t tell you how heartwarming it is to have a SIL say, “That’s OK momma, I know your heart is in the right place.” But make these mistakes few and far between.

Never ever say anything negative about the girl or the girl’s family. Follow in the footsteps of Sarah Palin when the news folks were trying to get her to say something about Levy Johnson, the boy who fathered Bristol’s son. Quote, “I’ll say this about that Levy; he sure gave us a beautiful grandson that we love!” Besides, what good would be served by getting into a hissing contest with this idiot? Keeping her peace made him into a bigger ass than any words could have.

Never take offence at anything the kids say. Keep in mind that they are ignorant teens, not adults. Wisdom comes later when they are in their twenties. (I was one truly stupid little winch in my teens, started wising up at 21, and did not fully recover until my mid-thirties.)

Always keep in mind that these two teen parents are trying to navigate a very adult situation with the very immature brains of teens. They lack wisdom. You’re trying to help them make it until wisdom kicks in.

Ask you parents for pointers as they obviously did a good job navigating the situation with you and hubby. THEY ARE IN INSPIRATION TO ME!!!

If the kids decline this help, keep your peace as the hardships of reality will bring them around to accepting this help within a few weeks or months and you don’t want them trying to prove you wrong. You want them to accept your help. It will only take a few weeks or months for them to understand that they can’t make it on welfare, his limited earnings, and the same financial support that you would be giving them if they were still single and living at home.

Likewise, the mother of the girl will soon realize that they can’t make it alone or living with the brother and sister. You want her support, not a feud with her, so keep your peace with her.

Do this correctly and you have a fair chance of this story ending well for the teens, your grandchild, you and hubby, and for the parent of the GF. And you will be an inspiration for others.

Love,

Kimmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 1:41pm

You've gotten some good suggestions from the others but I'm wondering if it's even legal for them to move out. Are you in the US? I don't know a lot about it but from what I'm seeing in the US if a minor (someone under the age of 18) wishes to become emancipated they need to prove that they can handle their finances and that they have the means to support themselves. Good luck and I hope it all works out for your family.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:19pm

I have met this girl many times, she comes down and stays with us a couple weekends a month.  I've never met her mom, sister or brother.  My parents live in the same town as her so when my son is up there and she is over at their place, they hear of all the fighting that goes on in her sisters apartment.  Her mom has probably not signed over her guardianship as she comes and goes out of her life, will go back up there, stay a couple months then take off again.  The girl will be 16 in a couple weeks, so at that point, there really is no need for legal recourse as she is then considered old enough to move out.  As for school, apparently she dropped out of grade 10 by the end of september and there is no one that cares enough in her life to enforce her to go, (I was just informed this this morning)  Since her and my son would be technically doing the same grade, it would be easy enough to homeschool both.  I have told my son that I want to meet her mother.  I am hoping that if I can show her around our house and what we can offer her in terms of stability (something she hasn't had, being thrown back and forth from mom, to dad, to older siblings) and helping with the baby and an education that her mom will be sensible (so she can live her own life as she clearly doesn't want to be a full time parent) and convince her daughter this is the best option.  We live in Alberta, Canada and here, he can work fulltime at the age of 16 even on school days, even younger I'm sure, there is no law, just that they need to be enrolled in some sort of school under the age of 16, and he is enrolled for the homeschooling which we do at night after we are both off work (as he also works fulltime now, with a good job that is willing to apprentice him when he finally finishes school), he wont find there.  Also, in Alberta it is very easy to get full time work as there is more work than people and has been for a few years, but he probably wont get the apprentice option from there as we are in a small town, people more willing to help each other and he will be moving to a city, where they dont really care

 

I dont feel by any means that I know best, but I had my first at 17, had alot of parental support and know how important and vital it is.  I would never have done so well without my parents.  I went on to get married and have 3 more children with my husband and we raised our 4 kids to have values and responsiblities.  This child is my second youngest and it breaks my heart to see him have to grow up so quickly and I will do everything I can in my power to protect him and help him thru this until he is really old enough, educated enough to continue parenting on his own

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:03pm

Congratulations on your impending grandparent-hood!

I agree with Arryl, you should try to talk to the girl with her sister about what is best in the long run. Maybe if you and ds went to where she lives, make that effort of reaching out. Lay out the pros and cons. Hopefully the sister is mature enough to recognize what would be best for the baby and will help gf to make a good choice. Maybe even bring gf's mom in on the conversation...she may welcome somebody else stepping up (letting her off the hook?) and encourage her dd to go to you.

Your son's idea to get a full time job doing the same thing in the new town is great but will it be that easy? In many places its still hard to find work esp full time...is it even legal for a 16yo to work full time? (in my state anyone under 18 that hasn't graduated HS requires a work permit and cannot legally work FT on school days) What if he doesn't get full time work, how will he support the 3 of them? Does he agree that gf's mom may decide that she doesn't want to live with an infant and take off again, leaving them on their own?

How long until the baby is due? I hope that you can talk sense into your ds, and his gf. Its commendable that he wants to do the right thing for his gf and baby but he really needs to look at the big picture, about how he will support them in the future and he needs an education to have more earning power.

What a difficult situation, complicated because the parties are so young. Best of luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:17am

Have you met this girl at all?  Does she go to school currently where she is living with her sister and BIL?  Can you have her over to the house and talk with her, offer to let her live at your house and explain everything to her?  Even sit down with her and her sister?  Her sister may welcome it and be open to letting her sister move in with you to have a better sitation.  You may also want to check to see if this girl's mother signed over guardianship to the sister or if she really just abandoned her.  Some legal things may need to be done also.  It is a tough situation, and I think, having had a child at 18 years old, the support you would be able to give your son and his girlfriend will be immensely appreciated, if not in the beginning, at least in the long run.

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