16 yo dd grades dropping
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| Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:53pm |
Well here goes, I know this isn't as big of a problem as some of you face, but she's my only child and I want the best for her of course. DD started Sophomore year with a few blows, she didn't make the JV volleyball team, she broke up with her boyfriend of 13 months right after homecoming, she failed her first road test and during tryouts for basketball she blew out her knee and may need surgery. (she's technically on the team with 2 other girls that are "injured reserve", so she goes to the practices every night after school). She's always been a very good student with 3.5 or higher grades, now she came home with mid-terms of 2.56. I'm so concerned, I know the stress is getting to her, she has even started biting her nails. We've had talks in the past few months about what's going on in her life. She asked why it's so hard sometimes, my response was that if we didn't have challenges we wouldn't appreciaate the good times.
So when I asked her last night about her grades, she said the classes are just harder this year. Well she does very little homework, my dh and I ask every night if she has any and she either says no or does it for about 30 minutes ant that's it. She's always cared about grades and I think before this she really didn't have to work at it. I feel bad because I asked if there was anything I could help with after I said her grades were unacceptable and that she won't be able to drive for awhile even if she gets her license with grades like that. I know she's just not applying herself. She has been on the phone everynight with a Senior boy, who she says is just a friend, but last summer she said this kid liked her but her boyfriend beat him to it by asking her out. I've put a limit of 10:30 and off the phone on school nights, I think we have to make that 9:00 instead and limit the computer time.
Any other suggestions? It's a fine line between being a freind, because I want her to tell me what's going on like with her ex-bf etc. but I have to be a parent and set the rules too.
Thanks for any help.
Linda

HI,
DD went through some of these same things at that age. She broke up with her b/f of over 1 year, started hanging out with (and eventually dating a sr), in a wreck caused by a drunk driver, shoulder surgery and rehab, lost her position as pitcher on the softball team b/c of the shoulder injury (she was moved to first base), falling grades, etc. All of this can be very stressful to both you and your child. There really wasn't anything I could do about the shoulder or ball but I became very proactive about the ex b/f b/c he became very controlling and manipulative. I finally had to put my foot down and say no contact at all between her and the ex. I called school and made sure they were watching as well. They agreed b/c he had threatened her on school property. She was very angry with me for a long time but she eventually realized that that was the best thing for both of them.
So far as the grades went, I did a couple of things. First of all, I called her teachers every Fri. I found out which assignments she either didn't do or did poorly on. She wasn't allowed to leave the house on the weekends until those assignments were done to my satisfaction. Most teachers would not accept the work late but I stressed to her that this was about learning the material. She quickly got the message to do it right the first time! I also had DD tested for ADD and subsequently put on medication. I did not understand how she could have been an A and B student with untreated ADD but the doc said it's fairly common in bright children. In some kids, the ADD doesn't really show itself until the reach high school. Their intelligence compensates for the ADD but when the work reaches a certain level it doesn't cut it anymore. I also didn't understand her having ADD b/c she had never been in trouble in school - very rambunctious at home, but fine for others. Doc said she wasn't ADHD so she probably wouldn't get in trouble. She began medication and was less frustrated in class. She graduated from high school last year with an Honors Diploma and somewhere around a 3.8 GPA.
I wound up taking AIM off the computer completely b/c she was using in inappropriately. I watched and limited her time on the computer during the week and I made her leave her cell phone in my room at 9:00 every night. She was allowed to keep the house phone that was in her room b/c I could (and did) roll over and pick up the extension anytime during the night. If she was on the phone very late, I would go get hers and keep it for a few days and then give it back to her.
I didn't like the idea of grounding b/c that always just frustrated DD and it seemed she didn't learn why she was being punished. So putting the weekend restriction in her hands taught her playtime was based on the quality of her work. If she did her work and did it well during the week, then she was allowed out on the weekend. If she didn't, she would wind up spending Friday night at home with us until the work was done and done right. When she got to go out was up to her!
The ADD testing came at the suggestion of a therapist that I took DD b/c she wasn't handling the stress of the other things in her life too well. The therapist wanted to rule that out. After putting DD on medication, the frustration from school was gone and she could deal with the other stuff on her own.
You know your DD and know whether this type of solution might work for her but I would definitely think about the weekend restrictions. That helped DD to mature a whole lot.
Good Luck!
That gives me hope. I'll defnitely have to restrict the weekend activities. I know she won't like it, but she'll have to get over it.
Linda
Sorry your DD is having such a hard semester - it probably feels like everything is crashing on her at the same time. If this were my DD, my first inclination would be to hug her. She *knows* the grades aren't acceptable, and if she's anything like mine she feels miserable. Seeing you recognize that could be very powerful.
Then I'd ask her what *she* thinks needs to happen to get her grades up a bit - talking to the teachers, having you and/or DH go over homework with her, helping her study.... When my DD was struggling a bit last year, I studied science with her for a few quizzes. It was NOT the way I wanted to spend my evenings LOL, but it helped her get over the hump and get back in the groove. Also, it helps show her what kinds of things she can do to get better grades. Again, like my DD, she may not have had to work too hard for grades, and may not actually have good study skills. For a few years, my DD15 could get away with little studying and still get good grades, when the courses got harder she wasnt' sure how to attack them.
Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
Sue
Wow, I posted something very similar here when I got my DD's first quarter grades. A full grade drop in every class, straight across the board, and one even dropped two grades! So, she went from a 4.0 to ??? I understand your concerns.
My DD is also a sophomore and she too, says it's 'just harder' this year. However, she doesn't have the distractions of a boyfriend or a particularly active social life like your DD does, so aside from her just not putting forth as much effort as usual, there was no real reason.
There isn't much we could do, aside from express our disappointment. She's doing her assignments, just not to the best of her ability and sometimes not turning things in on time. She does have one AP class this year, which consumes an enormous amount of her time and her focus on that particular class could be leaving her short on energy for her other classes. It's hard to say.
Soooo, in the infinite wisdom of the male mind, my DH told her he would buy her a puppy if she was able to pull her GPA back up to a 4.0 by the semester. I'm not sure if it's bribery or incentive, but DD does seem a little more motivated this quarter. Also, she likes seeing that 4.0 on her report card, so I have my fingers crossed ....
Sorry I wasn't more help, just sharing your concerns.
<<>>
Do I detect just a hint of sarcasm there??
LOL :-)
Please keep in mind that the weekend restriction is to be lifted when she satisfactorily completes the work - this way it's entirely up to here whether or not she goes out on the weekend.
Good Luck and I'm sure things will work out in time.
Well the weekend restriction helped this weekend, my daughter got her homework done and cleaned her room before she was able to go out to a friend's house. She still won't talk to me about what's going on in her life though. I took her Christmas shopping yesterday for her cousin's gifts and she was fine, until I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She told me not to worry about it. Well I told her I was concerned and she just said to stop asking her questions.
So I guess I have to back off for a while. It's hard because my husband has been out of town on a hunting trip and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I hope this is a phase and she'll talk to me eventually. She told me things about her break-up with her boyfriend up until Thanksgiving weekend, now she's tight lipped. I know her ex called her the other night and from the half of the conversation I heard it sounded like he was asking her if she minded that he asked another girl out, because I could just hear her say "Go for it, she's not a friend of mine." They were on the phone for about an hour with him and ended up being behind closed doors after the first few minutes.
I know that if he is asking someone else out, that really hurt her feelings and I wish I could help, but I won't mention his name. I've just asked if there is anything going on in her life that she wants to talk about. I thought by leaving it open ended she may feel like talking, but no go. I suppose I survived high school without talking to my mom, but she never asked questions or seemed to care about personal stuff, we didn't have that kind of relationship.
I hope this week maybe she'll feel like talking, we have several physical therapy appointments she has to go to for her knee, that may provide an opportunity. Should I stop with the questions and just talk about generic stuff like our snow or about my work day or school in general?
Hi Linda,
Don't feel bad - you're not the only one whose 16 yo dd does not confide in her. It's not a reflection of your parenting, it's a reflection of who "she is", or who she is becoming. There may be other reasons, too, that you don't know - perhaps she fears dissapointing you, etc. If she is sexually active, she may not be comfortable discussing that with you, either. Some girls just arent', no matter how much they love their moms. You mentioned that she asked, "why is it so hard sometimes?" oh, boy, is that an opening! You kind of missed an opportunity right there to open up the floodgates, so to speak. Not that she would have, but she might have...
I would stop asking about the boyfriend, etc. but instead focus on her. Maybe bring it back to "remember when you asked me why things are so hard sometimes?" It may be time for you to bring up some of your own painful experiences, that is where revealing can begin. I think alot of parents feel uncomfortable discussing with their teens the stupid mistakes they made in the past; but imo it can help with connections. Just some thoughts for you.
I know how you feel. Just checked DS17s grades and they've all gone down in the past few weeks. Now after his suspension, I expected it, but that was 6 weeks ago. His cum GPA is 3.89, but this semester he's headed toward a 2.8, I'm afraid. Powertraining--5/10--who knows why? Bio lab report--10/20--who knows why? He's got IB Chem, IB Bio, IB English and Calculus, not the easiest courses; but he just doesn't spend enough time studying.
He is also one who will not talk to me. His best friend just got accepted to U of M, and DS has been waitlisted--think he's down about that. He just says he's not motivated. When I ask how he thinks college will be different, he says, "then I'll be studying stuff I like that will prepare me for a real job"--he wants to be a pharmacist. And I respond, "What do you think the classes you're now taking are preparing you for? The better you do now, the easier those college classes will be." Exactly how do those teenage brains work, anyhow?
So he'll be grounded Fri. nite. Has winter formal Sat nite. If no improvement next week he'll be grounded again on the weekend. And I'm limiting TV time and making 11:00 his bedtime instead of the 11:30/12:00 he's been doing. I've also written a bonus/bribery plan. If he brings his Bio and Calc Cs up to As, he gets $100 each. If he gets them up to A-, $50 each. If he gets them up to Bs, $25 each. If other grades go down, he pays me $25 each letter grade they fall. I honestly do not know how else to motivate him, and I figure if we adults get bonuses for performing well, we can do the same for our kids, even though we haven't had to resort to this in the past. Ugh....it is so tiring. And my husband is not here this year, so I share your grief as we single-parent our kids.
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