16 yr old DD is driving me insane
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16 yr old DD is driving me insane
| Thu, 07-27-2006 - 3:25pm |
My 16 year old thinks she is grown. She has a nasty attitude 90% of the time. Of course, when I bring up her nasty attitude, she blames it on me and says that it is my fault that she has a nasty attitude because I am always "bitching" at her about everything. She had a job and quit because she didn't like the manager and because she was only making $5.75 an hour. Now she has found another job that is 45 min to 1 hour away from where we live and won't be making much more than that. I have told her that she will be putting all her money in gas but she doesn't think so. I am at my wits end with her -- I told her that if she couldn't change her attitude, she could pack her stuff and go live with her daddy (who still lives with his mom and hasn't worked in 6 years and hasn't paid child support in 8 years). She thinks that her daddy can get custody of her and she can live wherever she wants to. I don't know what else to do with her. She is the youngest of 3 girls. I did go through some problems with my oldest when she was 16 but not near the amount of problems I have had with this one. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's no jobs closer to home?
What about the bus?
She can't exactly take the car, if you don't let her can she?
Does she need a job? I didn't have a job until my first summer of university. (18) - now i'm 20.
I know you probably don't want my advice, but i'm just passing my lunch hour here at work.
I am sure that there are jobs closer to home. She said that she has put in applications at several places but this is the only one that has called her back. There are no buses where we live.
Yes she does need a job. Like I mentioned, her father hasn't paid child support in 8 years and while I do work, I make enough to pay the bills and provide necessities. I am not going to hand her money for her to blow on stuff she wants (having her nails done, tanning, etc). I think if she wants spending money, then she has to have a job. My older two daughters have both worked since they were 16.
Yeah, I'd agree that she needs a job if she wants those things.
My mom was a single mom too, so I never got "free money" except from grandparents at christmas, which I would save. I never wanted those things. ((shrug))
She could tutor at school, and charge 10-20$ an hour. do it afterschool or something, even do it for little kids in elementary school, maybe people in the neighbourhood. What about babysitting? They always make about 6-8$/hr, and if there's two kids, it's 10$/hr. (at least up here).
Do your other daughters still work close to home, perhaps if it's an office or something (even if it's not) she could get a job through their connections, or through yours? That's how I got the job i'm at now, my mom works for the same company.
I'm absolutly amazed by the lack of public transportation in areas in the states. I was in Orlando and it was really good. Same with the super low min. wage. crazy.
Well, I have to say if this is your youngest of 3 girls (!) and you're only just now about to lose it, you've been very, very lucky indeed. I have a 14dd who knows everything too. We began having our issues last year with her cutting, lying, wearing too much make-up, boys, bad friend influence,internet overuse, you name it. In one year, I haven't gotten any smarter, but she apparently has a Ph.D.
I think you're going to have to let dd learn the hard way that she should'nt have made the job choice she did. At least the consequences of that choice won't be serious and long lasting. I would be talking to her instead about boys, respecting yourself, birth control, etc. In other words, pick your battles.
This is a great place to vent and find out that your teen is probably just like every other teen out there.
First of all, she's 16 - she's supposed to drive you insane and think she's grown. That's what they do best! My 18 y/o got real upset b/c her dad wasn't eating the Cheese Nips the right way. So she proceeded to tell him the right way to eat Cheese Nips - like we're too old and senile to now how to eat a cheese cracker!!
You are absolutely right to make her pay for her own gas. I definitely wouldn't give her any additional money over what I had given her while she was at the previous job. I also wouldn't pick up any of her household responsibilities. She'll try to say that she doesn't have time now b/c of the drive. I don't think I would argue these things with her - just let her learn the lesson the hard way. That's about the only way my 18 y/o learns anything. Now that I've learned that (also the hard way through trying to tell her and then arguing), I've pretty much gotten to where calmly I tell her once and then she makes the mistake and learns. Of course, this isn't possible with everything - some things I have to put my foot down and say this is how it is but on someething like this I would let her learn it on her own. At least, she's got a job and understands she has to have one so you are doing a good job.
I wouldn't worry too much about her threats of living with dad. I imagine that's exactly what it is - just a threat. Also if you don't argue and let her learn her own lessons, she won't get upset and make those threats anymore.
Good Luck!!
I'm going to be blunt.
Number ONE - Don't EVER tell her that she can go live with her daddy. Make sure she understands and hears you say to her, "The fact is, I LOVE you and you are MY job until you're old enough to be on your own, whether that means until you are 18 or out of HS. Get used to it, because you're not going anywhere" and then MEAN it and stick to it. Never, ever threaten her with sending her away for any reason whatsoever. It is EXTREMELY counter productive and makes her feel like crap and resent you. She needs to hear you tell her that despite her attitude, you love her and want to make her life a success and want her to work with you on that.
Number TWO - She must quit her job and find one closer or she WILL most definitely pay for the gas. The thing about having a job at this age is it's supposed to not only give them some of thier own money, it's also supposed to be teaching them some responsibility as well. So, since she chose to work so darned far away, she can pay the gas. Personally, I'd make her quit and have her find something closer - it's not fair for you to be taking that chunk of time out of your day to drive her and/or pay the gas. It's just ridiculous.
And finally, it sounds to me like most of her behavior is typical teen stuff. However, she's being disrespectful and rude to you and the family as a whole. You need to put a stop to this. My own 16dd was a real PITA, she has a mood disorder and she really put me through a lot this past year in particular. We had to pull the reigns in on her and it was really tough at first, but it worked it's magic and she's finally shaping up. She's less inclined to lash out at me, she is waaaaay less fresh with me (never ever uses cuss words anymore) and she even started confiding in me - a first ever! We had to limit her phone & computer use, we had to monitor everything, we had to restrict her outings and with whom she spent her time. We allowed her to get a job and when she did, she blew it by not going in when they called and they fired her. She has been unemployed since last July and has been living off her savings. She just got a new job and she's excited about it. She doesn't drink or smoke pot - she does smoke cigarettes, but wants the patch to quit. She has a nice bf. I must add, she is not out of the water completely and her academics are not the greatest, but she's happy, she's well behaved and she's maturing.
It is up to you as her parent to lay down some guidelines, however, I would sit and discuss with her what's fair and what your expectations are, etc. Beforehand, tell her that if an argument ensues, the conversation is over and she will not leave the house until you can all sit down and settle things. Go into it with a list - what things are you willing to bend on, which are you not willing to bend on; which behaviors are most destructive and troubling to you (friends, job, attitude), which are some you're willing to let go (such as dress, makeup). Have her look at the list with you. Keep an open mind, you may have to compromise in order to achieve the end result of a nicer, calmer dd.
If after all this, you still find you're getting nowhere, how about some counseling? If not for her, then at least for you - you may learn new techniques you didn't need with your other dd's, perhaps you will learn some new coping skills. It's worth a try. Hugs and good luck.
I don't mind someone being blunt.
Your number one point is one that I need to use more. Thanks for pointing that out for me. I will use your suggestion from now on. I will admit that when she threatens to go live with her "father", I usually come back with "Well, let's call him and get him to come and get you." I am going to stop that.
As far as the job, I have already told her that I will not take her back and forth to work. She has $1200 saved for a car and has found one for $1100 so hopefully, we will have that this weekend. I have told her that I will pay for her insurance but that is it, gas and maintenance on the car are her responsibility. I also told her that if she ends up spending all her money in gas, that I will not give her extra spending money.
I plan on sitting down with her this weekend and going over a list of rules and guidelines. Thanks so much for your advice. I just hope this "phase" is over with soon. I know alot of it is typical teenager, but I have had enough.
I will keep you posted on our progress.