17 and knows it all
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17 and knows it all
| Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:21pm |
Our ds17 is turning the household upside down with his obnoxious and disrespectful behavior. We've tried counseling (he walked out), grounding, taking away the car, cancelling the cell phone. Nothing seems to work. His grades have dropped considerably, he's skipping school. He went from being an honor student and athlete to a foul-mouthed, depressed kid who hangs with kids who have been kicked out (or have dropped out). He's refused antidepressants and seems to be in a downward spiral. We're at a loss how to help this child. Every once in awhile we catch a glimpse of the loving, funny kid he used to be, but that's becoming increasingly rare. Any advice would be most appreciated...

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Is he a junior or a senior? I hope you will tell me senior!
My middle son had a rough senior year last year. But we survived and college seems to be going well; I have seen a big spurt in responsibility
If your guy is still a junior, though, you have a long road ahead
Anything you can think that inspired the change?
Here, they cant play sports as a senior unless they make varsity and I feel being put in that position in soccer was a factor with my son.
And his best friend was too much like him; what one didnt think of, the other did. The school called them frik and frak
What about your son?
I heard good things about contracts from two co-workers about the time DS2 was getting ready for college so I didn't try it but I have to say I like the details and clarity they provide
I'm sure there are a bazillion versions and sites but this one popped up quickly.
http://teenswithproblems.com/home_contract.html
What struck me was that the consequences were reasonable. IOW there was no "that was a big bad and you are grounded for 6 mos" which is a common reaction-BTDT. And then the other reaction is to up it after a repeat offense
This looks to be consistent consequences and I guess when I look back to the preschool days of timeouts, they were consistent. I didnt have that urge to up the anty(unless I was stressed out and needed a rest)
I bookmarked it since I still have the 15 yr old!
windrush - that was an interesting site, with some good ideas. Thanks for sharing! Although my dd is sooo much better now, I sure could have used the help about a year ago!
Amelia
I don't have any btdt with such a troubled teen.
My 17dd, a senior at risk of failing and hence, not graduating, is driving me up a wall these days. Between her disorders and her simple typical teen behaviors, I sometimes have an awful time figuring out a way to discipline her and educate her about the ways of the world! It seems that once one method works, it fails and I have to come up with something new. She was doing well for a while there but these past few months have been a horror. She suffers from panic attacks, but we've been able to deduce that most often the incident that is causing the panic attack is *almost always* of her own doing...she creates drama where there need not be any. Errrgghh...she even told me last week that she doesn't want to graduate HS; she would like to stay in it - for the social aspects!
This past week, she managed to push all my buttons, tell me something horrific that her bf did to her and some other chaotic behaviors (no drugs/alcohol involved) and I just had to put a stop to it all and her! She is now basically under house arrest until I receive her interim report card with all passing grades, which is 4 weeks away. I disconnected the internet router box, so no more myspace/AIM at home, which she was downloading and hiding from me. She does not get cell service at our house and she's not allowed to use it at school, so that's basically out. She is not allowed to have a bf (which I *think* she is back with her pig bf but is afraid to tell me). I can somewhat control her activities a little because she's not allowed to go out and the bf is not allowed here, she works 5 days a week, and must adequately prepared for her classes in order to pass.
Anyway, I think that I will draw up a contract and make her sign it. She is scheduled to take her driver's test in March and perhaps I will put a stipulation in the contract about that being contingent on passing her classes....hmmm, the wheels are really spinning now!
I sure hope you're able to find a solution to help your ds succeed. I've found some decent support on other sites for parents with difficult teens such as the one mentioned in an earlier post. Best of luck~
Hello hearts, I have missed you around here!
Oh, Marie!
I feel for you so much! And I absolutely agree with you about the public school systems - they are just too large to reach the kids with different ways of learning. What has turned things around for me, is that my dd is now in that private school that initially rejected her. (They apologized and said something to the effect that the rejection letter I received was really intended for another applicant). But the end result is that she is now getting the education that she needs. She is so much happier there! DD is also now taking a different ADD medication and that, too, seems to be helping.
I truly hope that some resolution can be reached for your ds, too!
Hugs!
Amelia
{{{Marie}}} God, I know how you feel!
The other evening, H and I met some friends for a simple dinner being hosted by a group of students on behalf of Habitat for Humanity (they are opening a chapter near our town). Anyway, the students involved in this amazing venture were all of my dd17's class. She doesn't go to school with them any longer as she's enrolled at a charter school out of town. And this handful of kids are those kids who are the bright shiny star students who not only get straight A's but are also involved in every imaginable sport, drama production and club, including community service projects and student government - they are the outstanding students, so it's not really fair for me to compare my dd with them. HOWEVER< I have to admit, I was near tears later that evening when I was marveling over those kids' accomplishments and even felt disappointed in myself and my lifelong battles with dd over her work, involvement, etc.
Although I realize that we're responsible to a certain point when it comes to our children's academic success, even thier social success to a degree, there comes a point where we should no longer be held responsible for it. The fact is, at 17, they ARE old enough to know what they need to do, which changes need to be made so that they may succeed in thier chosen path. What we've done thus far, the groundwork we've laid for them, i.e., encouraging them in their interests, pushed them a little, pointed them in the right direction, used our own and others' mistakes to teach them valuable lessons, lived our lives in such a way that it may be held up as an example, etc., is sometimes enough and sometimes not. My 19dd is doing better at school this semester - she had a rough 1st semester - and she was always so easy, just seemed to 'get it'. But dd17, she's got to learn the hard way, she's always bucking the system or giving up and giving in. She's just always been more difficult to parent. And that's what I think about your ds and the OP's ds as well - there are just some kids out there who are just more difficult. We can only do our best and after that, it's up to the kid to do theirs.
My dd just asked for more hours at work and I thought, "Why? You can't even do your school work? How will you juggle this?" But then I was thinking that maybe she's just not the academic type. She seems to love her job and does really well with it. Maybe she's a worker and not a student. And who am I to argue with her about that? So, I gave her permission to do the extra hours, as long as she keeps her grades as passing. We shall see how that works out.
One thing I have learned from parenting a kid like my dd17 is that we must be willing to change our perspectives as a parent and parent from a different view...it's like changing lenses or something when it comes to my dd. She's often slightly out of focus and I just need to put on different glasses sometimes when it comes to parenting her! Like I said earlier, whatever works this week is what we will do. I hope things shape up for your ds. I am actually stealing dd's counseling appt this week (she has to work and I need it!).
Ughh..
We got DS3's grades this week and, even though I knew the concept of 'finals' was going to be a doozy with his LDs and memory issues, it still was a shocker to see the Fs. Luckily, these exams were only 10% of his grade and his Algebra C stayed a C in spite of it and his PE grade A didnt even dip with the F on the final(written, of course)
I seem to have resolved myself to 'getting through' but I know it's only freshman year. I wonder if I should be doing more and I dread junior and senior year down the road
Definitely changing my opinions on education. Before ds3, I would have been on every bandwagon to raise standards, require more math and science, etc
Now Im going "Why on earth should this child have to take 3 years of math(Algebra level or higher)just to graduate high school?" He isnt going to college. How difficult is it going to be to keep him on track for 3 and 1/2 more years? Hes a sweet compliant child who wants to please; has not entered into the teen stuff at all.
But...it's got to take a toll; he is going to get just plain tired!
With your guy, I'd mention the meds every once in a while(1/mo)just to see if you can catch him at the right time. And, Im guessing he will have to take these classes again-perhaps one or two over the summer? If it is under his control, maybe that will have an effect
Im sure my guy could do better but, having homeschooled that one year, I know how he could have it one day and poof! gone the next.
It's hard to know what to expect from him and what to accept as the way it has to be because he is who he is
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