17 year old and the phone

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
17 year old and the phone
4
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 6:16pm
I have a 17 year old girl who has been shipped back and forth between her father and mother. She has a learning disability and has been classified and placed in a BOCES program and is doing ok. The problem is she has never held a job. She does no homework, no work, and simply sits on the phone from the time she wakes until she is asleep. We take the phone off the hook at night, but it is a constant struggle. Is this Normal? How do we stop this behavior, how do we get her to seek employment. We give her no allowance, but she has some friends with money and we suspect that is where she gets cash from. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 10:30pm

I am unsure of the impact of a learning disability as it relates to your issue, so please take my comments as having absolutely no BTDT experience with a child facing these challenges. That being said, my response may seem harsh, but direct and honest.

"She does no homework, no work, and simply sits on the phone from the time she wakes until she is asleep."

If this is the case she does these things because you have provided no other option or have not made clear this is unacceptable. Time limits on phone use would be a beginning, she will of course believe that you have transformed in to Hitler. In our home there are NO PHONE CALLS after 10pm on school nights. When our DD's cell phone rings, everytime she rushes to it as if the President himself may possibly be on the line to tell her she has one the lottery. Our DD has a PT job and responsibilities at home, that combined with school work, swim team and church she would not have the time to tie the phone lines all day.

I would suggest you provide phone limits that you find acceptable, it is most concerning that you feel the need to take your phone off the hook to avoid a struggle. This may seem like I am living in another era, but it is your home...what if there is an emergency and someone needed to reach you at night?

After the phone limits, if you feel she is ready for employment then encourage her efforts. If not, she should most definitely have responsibilities at home for which she could earn money. Perhaps there are community organizations where she could volunteer and keep her active. Money from friends would be a big concern for me as well, IMHO this money would need to be returned to those friends immediately. I am not referring to money borrowed to buy a soda, but any substantial cash would be alarming, what is this teaching her and what strings are attached?

Good Luck - Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:17pm

I think this really is excessive phone time, and probably a whole lot more than "normal." She probably needs some limits placed on her - and then she'll have to find something else to do with her time, hopefully something more productive.

I'm going to toss this out there, and please remember as you read this, that I also have a learning disabled child who has struggled with social issues over the years. But who is she talking to all this time? Typically kids with learning disabilities also struggle with social skills, and don't always realize when they're being a nuisance to others. Is she tying up other people who just are too kind to put limits on her? Or is she calling people who are mere aquaintences? Just some questions to think about there.

I can understand your frustration with her not having a job - we finally cut off all non-essentials for our LD son in an effort to get him to be more self supporting. Unfortuntately, just as a lot of LD kids have delayed social skills, they also have delayed employment skills, so getting and keeping a job is tough for them. it finally clicked for our son about the time he was 18, maybe 18 1/2, and he's had no trouble with employment issues since, but it was a huge frustration for several years. So very different than with our DD who has held a job since she was just a few months beyond 14 - washing dishes in a local diner about 8-12 hours a week. Just enough to give her spending money, but not so much that she has no life outside of work and school. There's no way our LD DS had the skills necessary at that age to successfully hold a job.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:29am

I would have expected you to be getting some help with this from the program she is in with the school district

What are they saying?

I would definitely team up with them as I would expect her to be doing some sort of 1/2 day at approved work site and half day at school arrangement. Have they tried this with her and she has failed to show up for work?

I would use the phone as a reward since it is what motivates her

She has to earn 30 min of phone time by________________________.

I would just announce 'we are doing something new'

Keep it simple at first and then up the ante. Could start with making her bed and work to cleaning the bathroom to your approval

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:42pm

I would definitely say this phone use is excessive, even for a teenager. My almost 18 yo DD doesn't spend that much time on the phone. She does IM while she is doing homework, but mostly she uses the phone to plan going out w/ friends. On weekends, she is out a lot. She doesn't go out much during the week, but since last year when she got her own car, she started going to basketball or hockey games which are during the week, but don't take up the whole night, usually only a couple of hours. I wouldn't let her do this unless she were doing her homework and that has never been a problem since she is an A & B student.

My DSD (16) was the one who spent more time on the phone, but usually it was late at night after she was supposed to be sleeping. Her dad read her the riot act on that one. Of course, this was her cell phone, not the home phone. He ended up having to take her cell phone away for a while. She also has more difficulty in school. Now I noticed that my 11 yo DS has suddenly started spending hours on the phone. He is also an A student, so I'm not concerned that it's affecting his school work, but I don't think he should be spending all night on the phone either. After a while, I will just tell him to get off the phone. I def. think that you should put limits on your DD's phone use. Being on the phone all night means that she isn't doing her HW and although I don't know what kind or how severe her LD is, she must need more time or supervision to make sure that is getting done. I would make that her #1 priority and say that she can't be on the phone until all HW is finished to your satisfaction. I would also say that she can't use the phone after whatever time at night you think is acceptable (10:00?) and that you shouldn't have to take the phone off the hook. She should be able to tell her friends that she can't get phone calls after a certain time. If she can't do that, you will have to get on the phone and tell them yourself, which I'm sure she won't love.

As far as work, if you feel that the time spent working won't interfere w/ her schoolwork, I def. think she should get a job. My older DD has worked since the summer she turned 16 and she works p.t. in a store during the school year. It's mostly on weekends anyway. My DSD finally got a job this year. Right now it's only 2 days a week from 3:00-6:00 watching younger kids in an after school program. She apparently likes earning money since she says she wants to get another job or work more hours. Obviously if your DD had other ways to spend her time, maybe she wouldn't spend so much time on the phone. Does she do any activities like sports, clubs, etc?