17 yr old dd very rude

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2004
17 yr old dd very rude
7
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:51pm
I have a daughter who has such a bad temper. If someone makes her mad she will rant and rave and treat that person like dirt when she sees them. She does not have very many girlfriends now and I know that is the reason why. She can be so mean. Her father and I are at our wits end. We have grounded her we have talked to her till we are blue in the face. She does not see anything wrong with how she treats people. She will call people names like retard or special ed kid if they don't understand what she is talking about.
She can be a sweet kid sometimes but when she gets in one of her moods. I just want to slap her. She just does not get it. Help I need some suggestions. Where have I gone wrong.
Linda
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Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:53pm

I don't think your dd is unique in that aspect. I was at an event today where there were a few teenage girls and their moms and I saw at least two totally lose their cool and behave dispicably. One didn't like how her mom did something so she threw a hissy fit and called her mom "so stupid" right there in front of everyone. The other upset about something that happened to her friend basically yelled and ranted at the other girls around her. And I've heard this kid get all emotional and angry like this before to the point where she's threatening to beat someone up and often caused complete dramatics.

I don't know what it is about the teen years that turns some girls (and boys) into mouthy, rude, inconsiderate and hurtful people. When it has happened to me I will literally shut my mouth, take a breath and most of all keep my composure. And I have also often walked away from the situation in order to not get dragged into a fight or do something hurtful myself because that's just adding feul to the fire. Eventually my dd will calm down and even apologize...

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 5:57pm
My dd is a couple of years younger, but going through the same thing. I am very disppointed to hear it is still happening at 17 because I was hoping that this was about the peak and we were on the down side. My dd does calm down and apologize but can go from 0 to "you know what" in a matter of seconds. I feel like there are times when I am on "eggshells" in dread of her reaction.
We have tried a number of discipline techniques with varying success (ie., grounding, removing cell, computer, selective ignoring and modeling appropriate responses)
Very honestly I think, in our case, she needs to somehow "outgrow" it!
I'd love to hear from ohters
Just know you are not alone!
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:23pm
my dd age 15 can be sarcastically nasty. she never yells or looses her cool in public cuz she never would want the embarrassment but she can get nasty. i think it's the maturity and frustration of the teen years. if my son was not on zoloft, i think he would too cuz i see the break through sometimes.
Avatar for audreyoka
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 10:01am

Generation after generation looks at their moms and says "you don't know what it's like". When I think back to being a teen myself, I truly do not remember any of us being mouthy. Sure we cussed and acted tough outside of the house, but never in front of our parents.

I have to wonder if the shift in relationships has caused this. When I was teen, almost every one of my moms friends was Mrs. ____. Today I still call many of them Mrs. ____. My kids both have always called all of my friends by first names.

In addition, my mom and I were not what one would call close when I was a teenager. I was pretty distant from both she and my dad. My kids and I are very close. We spend time talking daily. We hang out many times per week, either taking a walk, grabbing a cup of coffee, watching a movie or just talking.

So, I wonder if the change in mom-daughter relationships has caused teens to feel more comfortable to be mouthy and show disrespect where we, the adults did not.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 4:53pm
oh, you hit a hot button with me! Rude is one thing - lots of teens are, but the "retard" and "special ed kid" comments really struck me. Since she's 17 I assume that she KNOWS why that is so completely wrong and hurtful and just doesn't care. I'd be tempted to try to make her volunteer someplace where she can meet some people who are mentally handicapped, but I don't suppose that is really a practical solution. I'm having the same problem right now with my foster son, so I don't have a lot of advice, but I'd be happy to hear the suggestions of others!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:04pm
ooh- I kind of hope you AREN'T right! I agree about those changes and always viewed them as a positive thing. I mean, I don't want to be "buddy-buddy" with my kids, but we ARE much closer than I was to my mom. I hope that familiarity doesn't breed contempt. LOL at one thing, though - my 13 y.o.DD has her own version of what you said - picture a big eye roll and exasperated sigh and "MO-O-OM! you just don't GET it!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:03pm

I have to agree with you 100%. The shift in our relationships has caused all of this; alot of times they think of us as their "friend" if we are fortunate to have an open relationship with them. Have your heard the way they talk to their friends? I have to say that at least mine seem to talk a little better with me than with their friends...however, it's not uncommon for my ds16 to say around me, "That's hella weird" or other choice phrases. I figure this is what I get in return for having open communication and dialogue with him. Yes, I do talk to him about censoring his off color language around me a bit, let's just say he doesn't always make the mark.

I've seen this shift happening with the teachers too. The teachers, at least in my neck of the woods, by high school have taken a more "buddy-buddy" approach with the kids, trying to "relate" to them. IMO this never works. There is a fine line and the teachers become upset when immature teens cross that proverbial line in relating to them as a "peer" rather than a "teacher". Some of the teachers still command that respect and do not get too familiar, but they are getting fewer and fewer....