17 yr old son --DISGUSTING!!
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| Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:38am |
I've written here before about my son. Seems the older he gets the worse it gets. He turned 17 in August, he's a senior in high school. He totally disrespects our home. His father and I have expressed our concerns: He Never brushes his teeth, won't keep his grades up, has broken curfew a few times, sneaks out his window at night, constantly eats in his bedroom which makes his room stink. He lays on his carpet when eating soup and stuff and you see the huge round stain where he eats. He won't ever change his bed sheets (they stick and are almost turned black because he won't take them off). I think he still pees in his bed. He won't put dirty towels in the clothes hamper, he throws them behind his bed, in his closet or stuffs them in drawers. He keeps his open pocket knife out on desk. He smokes swisher sweet cigars in his car. Clothes are thrown everywear. Throws half eaten burgers in his bedroom trashcan....SMELLS to high heaven!! Won't help out around the house unless his dad or me yells at him (both sons have small tasks that need to be done weekly)He won't turn his light and TV off when he's leaving his room. He has left the house and has left front door unlocked or garage door up SEVERAL times!
I've had it up to my eyeballs. We've grounded, taken phone away, TV away, car away....nothing works. He doesn't care. I shouldn't be taking care of his room, he should. He's 17 years old. If we take something from him, he still doesn't take care of his business. I've tried since early age to teach him personal hygien and how to stay clean and keep his surroundings clean. He's never caught on!! Most days I can't wait for him to graduate high school and move out of my house. Thanks for letting me vent. Can you tell I'm completely frustrated? Any other ideas (besides kicking his but to the curb)?

I think part of parenting is staying on them and accepting that is what needs to be done
I'm relating to some things we are going through here and how DH sees the scenario so understand this may not apply to you as much as it does to him
We put together a speadsheet for DS, age 14 because he is bad with the showering and toothbrushing. It has worked well IMHO which means he is doing these things FAR more than he was before the spreadsheet. We also had taking out trash and cleaning the litter box on there.
If he forgets even once-or if he is looking to take the garbage out at bedtime and DH wants it done at dinnertime-we have issues. DH would deem the spreadsheet a failure while I see it as a success
Anything we as parents do can help but nothing we do is going to be magical and 100%; we have to focus in on what we most want to fix and concentrate on that, letting the other stuff go for now. And realize there will still be bad days or bad weeks.
So, for your son, my goal would be to take care of those bedsheets-yuck! And yes, I would at this point in time, wash them myself and start fresh. Stand over him every Saturday until he changes them-period. Yeah, other kids dont need that. Yeah, its a waste of your time. But if you hand him the sheets and literally stand there, it will get done.
I honestly think thats what its going to take-after you master the sheets, you can add getting food and dishes out of his room every night. Again, you are going to have to remember and go in there and stand over him(and maybe do a big cleaning for the start fresh thing)
Eventually you should be able to go to a spreadsheet on the items you have accomplished by very direct supervision and then you are going to have to check that he REALLY did what he said he did.
It gets old and I get lazy but it works if I bite the bullet and take the time(really, not a lot of time-its remembering to do it-maybe I need a spreadsheet to check the speadsheet ;))
The wetting? I know there was another post on this. I would worry about this more than anything in your post
1-sounds like a medical thing to me
2-I would worry he was using alcohol/drugs and was too out of it to notice
Good luck
Have you discussed these issues with his DR? It seems to me that this is more than just laziness and typical teen stuff. I could be completely off base, but it sounds like some type of mental disorder. I think he should be seen by his DR, preceeded by a discussion with you and H to describe what you're seeing at home.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My dd16 STILL fights me to take a shower and I still have to remind her to take her medicine and brush her teeth - I mean sometimes I just wonder?!?!?!
I don't know if I would have the nerve to do this or not but I read this suggestion in a book once. Tell him he has one week to clean his room. Give him a detailed list of what you want him to do. Put beside each item on the list a thing that you will remove from his room if that task doesn't get done. For instance, if he doesn't change the sheets, the mattress goes on the front lawn. If he doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, they all go on the lawn. If he doesn't pick up the food in his room, then his guitar goes to Goodwill. Start with a short list so that he doesn't get overwhelmed and also so you don't have to get rid of too much of his stuff at once. Then follow through!! That's the key. I guarantee if you take his guitar (or whatever) to Goodwill b/c he didn't do something as simply as empty a trash can, then the next week, his TV goes b/c he didn't pick up his laundry, etc. he'll eventually get the idea.
Now when the first item leaves home, he will probably try to pitch a huge fit. I wouldn't acknowledge it. I would simply tell him that when he discuss this is a calm and respectful manner I will be happy to talk to him but if he's yelling or being disrepectful, I'm not talking to him. Then walk away. I have done this with DD and she gets the message pretty quick - mom's not going to let me push her buttons so I guess if I want my way, I'd better settle down. It works. It's really hard for me not to argue back but I don't and it works.
Good Luck!!
Haven't read the other posters, but this does not sound like normal teen boy stuff to me. Have you tried getting some counseling for your son? The degree of dirt/mess/detachment that you're describing sounds like something serious.
(((HUGS)))
Sue