17.5 yr stepd again (vent, advice plz)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
17.5 yr stepd again (vent, advice plz)
3
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:34pm

I'm thinking I should be posting on the Troubled Teens boards, but since I got such good advice here in my previous post, here I am with a long post.

I am so angry I could shake my stepdaughter until her head rattled and she has an aneurysm.

Background: It's spring break, and she's grounded.

Tonight, we ate dinner, and then she told me she was going to take a long bath---something I didn't question because she does have track practice (even though it is vacation), and she hadn't cleaned up despite having practice from 9-noon this morning.

While she was bathing, I got involved with a project in the den and had to spend some time in the garage looking for a few tools. After I found them, I realized that she and I had a conflict in our schedules, so I went to her room to tell her she needed to ask her father to take her to practice and I would pick her up. Well, she wasn't in her room. She was nowhere in the house! The lying brat sneaked out her window in mid-evening, probably while I was in the garage and couldn't hear or see anything. I mean, I wasn't in there for 2 hours--probably 30 minutes maximum.

I have locked every single door and window to the house, so she will have to ring the doorbell to get in. She had already lost numerous privileges and just regained them (except for being grounded), and I plan to take away (once again) her cell phone and bank card. I work 55 miles (1 way) from where we live (and where she goes to school), so she has to have a phone so I can reach her; thus, I'm considering getting (and making her pay for) one of those kiddie cell phones that only can receive calls that you program into it AND pay for the cell phone service that she would normally use (we can't cancel her phone w/o a huge financial penalty).

As I wrote in my previous post, nothing seems to faze her. She's a clothes horse; maybe take away 95% of her wardrobe? I have also thought of taking her to school just in time to get to class. However, since that means I will no longer be able to carpool, so my gas bill is likely to triple, is it fair to make her pay it?

Since she has so much free time to play around, I'm also thinking she should be made to get a job and deposit the check (no spending money), but my husband thinks that she will just lie about that and party when she is supposedly at work.

I'd love other suggestions for how to deal with her . . . . . Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 7:05am

Wow, my heart goes out to you, sounds like life is really rough at the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:11am

I tend to agree with you - if she has this much time to play, then I would recommend a job. Maybe wait until after track season is over as she may not be able to balance work, sports and school but most definitely a summer job is in order. I think one of the things that has helped keep DD out of trouble in the summer is that she works and since she's only a summer worker, she's usually the new kid and gets the crappy shift (4 - close). She gets off around 10:00 and has to be home by 11:00. Only time for a stop at Sonic and maybe a short hello to her b/f. No time for parties.

I also agree with Rose that some family time may be in order. I usually take DD shopping or out for ice cream or have a game night with pizza or something when she's misbehaving. Don't get me wrong - she still gets punished, usually with extra chores but by spending a little extra time with her she shes that we still love her and enjoy being with her as a person. If possible, I try to make it something that includes a little longer than normal drive time b/c car-time is when she likes to talk. She will take a nap and then wake up very chatty and we can usually clear the air before we get where we're going. She's figured this out but doesn't mind. She even recommended it to one of the middle-high girls at church the other day. The kid was mad at her mom b/c her mom wouldn't let her spend the night with someone she didn't know. DD said well instead of spending the night with her why don't you and your mom go to Memphis and shop or eat. The kid thought DD was crazy but DD explained that doing something you enjoy with someone you are mad at is the quickest way to get over being mad. I was quite proud of my little girl at that moment. Try it - it might take a few times to go smoothly but it will eventually work.

Also, be real consistent with discipline but possibly offer a reward or time off for good behavior. For instance, tell her if she behaves for three days of the grounding straight, you will take her and friend to the movie or to eat - the catch is you go too. After a few times of this and she's earned your trust, you might let her have a night off w/o you for good behavior. At least with my DD, positive rewards and incentives work pretty well.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 2:31pm

Both--thanks for writing, and I appreciate the second on the job recommendation.

Unfortunately, I'm far too angry (and tired since she came in after 2:00 am) to want to offer her rewards/incentives at this moment. She was at the tail end of being punished for having an alcohol party (while both my husband and myself were at work) that resulted in the police coming to the house and another girl in the hospital. Though she was grounded for 3 weeks, she could earn her phone back, earn her laptop back, as well as (against my better judgment, but my husband OK'd this) earn supervised time w/ girlfriends for good behavior. She only had to finish out the grounding time when she sneaked out last night; moreover, her text messaging records show that she contributed a lot of money to help buy the alcohol for the party she went to. I don't think she simply attended the party; I think she helped orchestrate it.

Also, (and now I'm echoing my post a while back), I really used to enjoy her company, but I don't want to spend time with her. I'm sure these next lines sound defensive, but despite my work schedule, I have always made time for her: Just as I have since she started playing, this season I attended every soccer game she played except two--and then we would always go out to dinner afterward. ABout two weeks ago we found a salon coupon and got pedicures together; we had even gone shopping, "done lunch" and eaten ice cream for dinner the day before she pulled this stunt. Finally, since her father works nights M-F, we have a permanent date for take-out on our must-see-TV night on Thursdays. Saturdays we always do something as a family (it's just the 3 of us), even if it is just renting a DVD.

I know y'all are right and what you are recommending me to do is be the adult and take the higher road, but I'm just too p#%%ed to do so right now.