17yr-old DD Doesn't Get Along With Dad
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| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 5:28pm |
Hello Everyone!
I'm new to this board but not to iVillage. Been around here since I guess the beginning. But about me: I have 2 sons ages 7 and 8. My 17yo dd is actually my stepdaughter since she was 6. Her biomom had some problems and I've been raising her as my own since she was 12. She and I have a great relationship and she is a terrific kid. She is an honors student, she cleans the house, she does her own laundry, pays her own auto insurance, works as a lifeguard and teaches swim lessons, is respectful and complies with my fairly strict expectations of her compared with her friends. She and I talk all the time about boys, life, friends, just everything. I'd like to think she tells me everything, at least almost everything. She doesn't go to teen parties, smoke or drink. She never has.
Her father and I are separated and getting divorced. She hasn't been very close with him during her teen years. He's not very emotional or very good with communication. He and I are working very hard to get along during our divorce and I think we're doing very well. But she has gotten even more aggravated and distant with him since he moved out a few months ago. Just for clarification, she is staying with me, not him. Her complaints about him are very similar to my old complaints about him. I don't verbally agree with her, because I don't want to bash him. But I can't argue with her either. She's making valid complaints. I've encouraged her to go to counseling with him, which he's willing to do, but she hasn't done it yet. I've also told her to just try to accept him the way he is (he's 45, he's not going to change) and try to enter a more adult relationship with him. I've told her to try to have a sense of humor about what she percieves as his failings, instead of being so annoyed by him. I remind her that he is her father, that he loves her and always has, and that she needs to find a way to get along with him.
I'm wondering, am I somehow contributing to her negativity towards her father? He's accusing me of this. I tell him that if I wanted her to dislike him, I would just agree with her that he's horrible and let it end there. But I don't. I listen to her, try to help her see it from a positive angle, and when it's a specific complaint, I bring it to his attention to fix. Could it just be that she is so much like me she is simply having the same interpersonal problems with him that I did? Or is it normal for 17yo girls to pull away from their dads?
As some additional info, she may have issues with men in general b/c she was abused by a stepdad. But she does have guy friends and had a bf for 7 months. She also gets along very well with my bf and even pushed me to start dating him b/c she like him so much (he was just a friend).
I'm confused about how to help my daughter enjoy her father and get along with him. My boys, btw, are doing wonderfully with their dad and are not experiencing any relationship or bonding issues. I guess the hardest part is that the things she complains about, I agree with. I never figured out how to get through to him. I suppose I'd still be married if I did. So I'm sorta stumped about what to say to her. Maybe my advice is kind of lame, but it's what I've done with the annoying things my own dad does. Just laugh and accept him as he is. And not expect perfection. But maybe I'm wrong.
Any thoughts?

It sounds like you're encouraging her to seek assistance with a professional to improve her relationship with her dad - what could be wrong with that?
I agree that you should not be endorsing any bad mouthing of her father. You do not even need to make any verbal response to her complaints about her dad - just knowing she can be open with you and that you understand she's entitled to her own feelings is enough. She needs to feel that she is safe with you. And that's what you're providing for her.
I think it's swell that she likes your bf, but despite her feelings for her dad and despite the fact that she likes your bf, it is very important that you and bf do NOT have hardly any PDA's around this girl in particular. Although she has a poor relationship with her dad, inside she may be experiencing some turmoil about where her allegiances lie and may not even realize it yet. Be natural, but not overly affectionate, that's all I'm saying. And I'm sure you already know not to discuss your personal relationship with your bf or ex with her. There is a line and you should not cross it.
Is there any way you could have a private discussion with your exh and explain to him the conversations you have had with sd...without repeating things she's said, but merely about her overall mixed-up-ness and basic confused feelings? It's important he understands what she's feeling, but it's also important that he knows you're being supportive of their relationship and not badmouthing him to his dd. That said, it's also important for you (and sd) to understand that he's probably feeling guilty on some level and is projecting that guilt onto you - the one person in her life who has been a steady influence and confidante. He's probably envious of your important role in HIS dd's life and the only way he is finding to express that frustration is by critiqueing you and your parental discussions. There is nothing you can really do about this.
Can you strike a deal with ds? I would strongly encourage ds to attend at least 4 meetings with her dad and a counselor. If after 4 meetings, she really feels like it's going nowhere or she simply can't bear it, then she can take a break with the promise to try again in 3 months. Counseling is uncomfortable at times, especially for estranged teens and parents. So, it may take a couple of counselors before you find one with whom ds will open up and feel comfortable.
Much luck and gentle hugs for being such a good mom.
Thank you so much for your response. What a great idea about a set number of sessions in counseling! She's not against counseling, just, I think, a little lazy about it. Maybe with a fixed goal in mind, it'll be easier for her to jump in. She's been in therapy herself for years due to past issues I touched on before, but is no longer with her previous therapist. We have someone lined up for the two of them, it's just a matter of scheduling it, and you know how teens are, she'd rather go out with her friends than sit in therapy with her dad. But I'll suggest the idea to her. In fact, I'll strongly suggest it and supervise it getting arranged before handing it off to him. I think he *does* need to take a little more responsibility for his relationship with her as well.
Thanks for the reminder about being careful with the bf. I am, certainly. Even more so, because I have the two young boys and they are less happy or accepting of a new relationship. They love him too, but would rather have their dad around. It *is* a fine line.
I wish I could talk to her dad about what's bugging her about him, but I just don't know how. He has a very fragile ego (thus the projecting onto me) and the things she's complaining about, I wouldn't know how to say nicely. These are, I think, difficulties he has in relating to people in general. He tends to talk excessively about himself, things he likes, and superficial things at that. He tends to not listen well and when he does, he doesn't remember what you told him. He can be very self-centered and not realize the impact of himself on others. If what he is saying is completely boring you to death (talking about an old sci-fi show he likes) he will go on and on and not even notice that you are bored to tears. He will not ask what *you* like or engage you in conversation about *your* interests. With the kids, he has always tried to *impart* his skills and interests on them. As little ones, that works great. But as she got older, it seemed to become a problem. I think he knows almost nothing about who she really is. I know that was why I couldn't be married to him anymore. He never really knew me, there was no emotional intimacy, no connection. He didn't listen, didn't pay attention, had no idea who I was. It was like talking to a wall or living with a shadow. He only wanted to talk about the weather. Her complaints are not that specific and I certainly won't suggest to her that they are the same. But she complains that he is boring, annoying, only talks about stupid stuff, only talks about his sci-fi and pink floyd and then drones on and on forever and won't stop. She complains that he's always bothering her to bring him something from the house to the apartment. When I brought that up, he got mad and said, "I thought she would understand that I need to live in this tiny place!" That's just his selfish perspective: why should a child be serving the needs of the parent? She shouldn't have to be understanding how difficult it is for *him*. He should realize she doesn't want to be his gopher all the time. But he doesn't even see what it's like to be in her shoes. How can I tell him that his dd thinks he's boring, selfish, and annoying? I just don't think I can.
Anyway, I'm going on too long. This is just bothering me so much b/c my dd deserves to have a relationship with her dad that is fulfilling. I want to help and not hinder her. I guess the best I can do right now is leave it to the professionals and be careful of what I say.
Any other thoughts are still welcome, cuz my head is in a swirl. I just love my daughter so much and she needs her dad.