17yrsDD says she has sexual tension.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-1998
17yrsDD says she has sexual tension.
3
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 1:41am
Lord help me.

Tonight my daughter and I were just talking and she told me that shes been feelin sexually pressed. At first, I thought she was joking about because that was the theme of the TV Show (Good Times) we were watching...but I realized that she was being serious.

shes taking Psychology in school. Today she says in class they analyzed their dreams. For the last two weeks shes been dreaming of her ex-boyfriend and he's drinking ORANGE juice. Also in the dream....shes been wearing ORANGE...the code guide they gave for what your dream means is.....ORANGE: Means you are experiencing sexual tension. You should pay attention to your sexual needs.

Lord Have Mercy....when did they start passing stuff like this out at school??

She is 17 and is planning to leave for college at the end of next school year, so we had discussed getting her birth control before she left for college. I just thought that she would wait until then. (smirk)

She assures me that she is STILL a virgin...and I had (have) already selected the doctor I wanted her to see....but feel like going ahead and getting her the b/c now kinda says: Sure....go ahead and have sex. She also assures me, that their is no one person in mind, and she still might be a virgin by the time she leaves for college...but that she wants to be prepared.

For the last two years she has worked with a program at our Local Y that was a teen sexuality program...and yes, abstinence was a part of it. She has done the program for two years....so I know that she is aware of the pitfalls of sex.

One other thing...since she was like 13, I've told her to COME AND TELL ME WHEN SHE WAS READY....I kinda preached it now that she is older 15-17.......and she also knows that I am going to try and talk her out of it....but I'd feel like a bad mother if I brush it aside...and I dont want to overtalk the subject with her either...but how can you overtalk something like this?????

I say all of that to say...that I'm proud that she is 17 and still is a virgin....by the time I was 17, I'd been sexually active for almost a year....so again...is it being a hyprocite to say....DONT HAVE SEX????!!!!

Lord Have Mercy

Ok....so here it goes.....WHAT DO I DO?????????

I know that when a person makes it up in their mind that they are gonna have sex, its gonna happen. I also knew that she wasnt going to be a virgin forever...that more than likely she wouldnt make it to 20....but my Lord...17....she doesnt even clean her room.

Lord, Lord.......help me.

Dee Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:09am
Oh my, oh my! You are so lucky though that your DD is talking to you, so many kids don't talk to their parents about such things. I'm in no position to tell my kids to wait til they're married to have sex either (oldest DS was born 7 months before we were married), but I do tell them that they are very special people, and their sexual sides are the most inimate part of themselves, and also the most easily hurt...so please value yourself and wait until you're very sure that you want to share something so precious and vulnerable with a very special person. So far, so good, it seems to be working, with our bio kids anyway. Our foster DS was pretty promiscuous before he came to us, says he lost his virginity at 14 to an older girl, but I've used this approach with him too...and he was with his last girlfriend for over a year before they had sex (he denies that they did, but it's pretty telling to find empty condom wrappers laying on his floor and his very religious g/f crying because she's "done something God will never forgive.") I guess that says something, not only about the ex-g/f, but also about him - DS says DFS would sleep with anyone that looked his way at one time, but he's become much more selective not only about who he sees, but also how he behaves with them.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 12:23pm
My jaw would have hit the floor if my dd had told me that! But after I picked it up I hope I would appreciate that she felt comfortable enough to have that convo with me.

Part of it is "academic" in that it is just dream analysis; she could have been analyzing literature and found a parallel to her life as well--the topic is part of the shock.

I think I would ask her if she wants to start to get the BC now. Unless she goes to Planned Parenthood or a similar clinic, it can take weeks to months to get a new-patient appt with a private Gyn; then she needs to be on the Pill for a cycle for it to be considered effective; and she may need to try different Pills to find one that agrees with her. Since she doesn't have a current bf there doesn't seem to be any rush but we know how quickly things can change with teen girls!

I agree with bunnierose to keep talking to her about the emotional side of sexual intimacy and urging her to save it for someone really special.

A few years ago I felt like letting her get the BC was condoning sex. And I was conflicted because, like you, I know that when a teen decides to have sex she will often just do it whether she has taken enough precaution. Now that my kids are older I think that it is providing a safety net. We've instilled our values, we still try to reinforce them but older teens are making their own choices and we cannot control them anymore.

It is great that she talks openly with you. Looks like you've been doing a good job!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 3:12pm
I think you've also got a good relationship with your dd if she's willing to talk that freely. What to say/do now?

First, I'd tell her you're glad she talked to you and opened the door to respond to the specific issue she's feeling right now. Then I'd explain to her as bunnierose suggested, putting the emphasis on the fact that sex is not just physical or at least shouldn't be, for the MOST satisfying sexual relationship with a person. Share how experimenting with sex for the sake of sexual release leaves a person feeling empty; it colors how they will view sex over a long period of time. Sex is one of those things that you ... kind of 'tailor make' for yourself. As an example, a friend I've known since we were 12 (we are now in our 40s) slept with lots of different guys throughout her teens. I don't think she's actually ever been really 'in love'; neither does she. She met her now husband, a wonderful man, and they have two beautiful daughters, a very stable family life; she cares about her husband and adores her dds, but she all but refuses to have sex anymore. She has told me frankly that unless 'the chase' is a part of it she could care less. And that if her dh acted hard to get or like he was pulling away from her that it might spark that interest again. She herself has told me that she's sure that's because that's all she's known sex to be, it is part of what fuels the fantasy and the desire. Another friend of mine was molested repeatedly as a child that she appears to have recovered from but she also attaches no emotions to sex and says freely that she is 'like a guy, I can have sex without feeling anything; just sex for sex'. My dd went to school with a girl, now 19, who - from the word go - used sexu for power - in her own words; her very words that I overheard one day while she was talking to a bunch of kids here - were "I LOVE sex - there's nothing better than making a guy tremble, do you know what kind of power that makes me feel?" - ackkk ... this girl is so like this now, it's almost scary. She is likely never going to know the beauty, the depth, the intensity and real power inherent in a truly emotionally intimate, committed sexual union. These people are not, by any stretch, uncommon in their views. The view on sex, what fuels one's desire, what keeps desire going through long stretches in relationships - these are all things that are influenced by how we enter into sexual relationships to begin with. And the people I know who - irregardless of age - do not find a sexual relationship satisfying without committment and a strong emotional - and friendship - bond, are those who never settled for anything less.

I would tell your dd these kinds of things and tell her that feeling 'sexually pressed' is NOT a good enough reason to engage in a sexual act, ESP if it's her first real encounter. I'd clarify what you meant when you've told her to come to you when she feels ready ... I doubt that she's truly asking you for b/c right now. I think she's asking for guidance and a REASON to keep holding off because she is buying into things like dream interpretation that seems to have fit with how she has been *feeling* lately. Point out that we all have cravings, and some are definitely powerful but that we don't indulge in them just because we *feel* like it. That the sweetest reward is the one we've worked for, waited for, sacrificed for.