18 and wanting to move out

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
18 and wanting to move out
8
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 8:38pm

My DD turned 18 in January, she has been pushing the "freedom" issue quite a bit.
With graduation soon, she has started talking about moving in with a friend. Neither
one has a steady job, in fact my DD's job ends the 10th of this month. No money saved
as far as I can see. The reason that she wants to move out is because we will not let
her stay out all hours of the night and run wild. She wants us to let her go free...

I feel that if we don't give her some freedom, that she will move out and god knows
what may happen to her. She is very nieve and so is her friend, who I have a bad
feeling about. I met her and there is just something about the girl that scares me.
She seems normal enough, but theres something there. My husband told her today that
when she graduates and gets a 8hr a day job, that then she can do whatever she wants.
I don't know... makes me wonder what she will do.

Anyone else out here going through this?

Thanks

Signlady


"We are Virginia Tech - we will Prevail"


Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 9:56pm

I can throw a few different ideas out there. No one idea is right or wrong.

You can let her move out and be there to support her. My daughter is 23. She's had several roommates over the years, some better than others and I'm always there to support her. (by the way I do not mean financially support)

You mentioned she has no job, no money. You can let her move out, refuse to cosign on anything, and let her know that you will NOT be helping her with rent etc.

You let her stay home and lift her curfew. If the only reason she wishes to move is stay out later, you can consider granting this.

I think as parents our goal is to help our children become independent. There are many paths to reaching this. For your daughter it might be keeping her at home and lifting some rules, or it might be letting her go out on her own and learning it's not all it's cracked up to be, that staying out late is great, but when you have to work full time and be up by 6am, that staying out to 3am quickly loses its appeal.

Let us know what you decide.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 7:43am

I guess my first thought is that you need to acknowledge that you're dealing with a legal adult here, even though you look at her and still see your little girl.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:44am

My oldest is a senior in HS and 18. It's hard to see them as adults, but age-wise that is what they are, or at least where they are headed. I've always parented her by giving her the opporunity to live up to the new responsibilities that come with age and more privileges. If she fails, then we readress the situation. She has curfew because she is still in school. After she graduates, she will still be expected home at a reasonable hour, say 2AM. But, the fact is she is off to college and dorm living in the Fall and she will be responsible for herself. The only thing I have told her is that if her grades suffer from too much partying, we will not fund her education. She needs to figure out how to balance her social life and her school life.

I suggest sitting with your dd and finding out exactly what she's looking for by moving out and see if you can come to a compromise. Perhaps she is imagining that you and H will try to impose unfair rules, unrealistic curfews or want know her every move. IMO, as long as she is doing her part around the house, working/going to school and being responsible then her time is her own as she pleases. My dd is rarely home for dinner these days, except Sundays & maybe once or twice during the week. But she always calls me and tells me what she's doing and with whom. She's always known that I need a phone call; I don't want to worry needlessly and she's great about it.

It's hard to let go but she has to figure out how to handle her time effectively, whether it be her work, social or school time. How will she figure out what works and what doesn't if she isn't given the opportunity, KWIM? I think it's mostly important for your dd to know that it's a matter of mutual respect and consideration for her housemates (you and H) that she let you know if she won't be home, etc. Perhaps she doesn't need to move out afterall, but instead you all need to come to a few understandings and basic considerations and guidelines.

My best friend's 19dd moved out after HS graduation and despite her mostly full time job, she lost all her money and went through awful BF's and had a really tough time of it before moving back home last month. My friend seems to feel that she needed that time to realize that she's not quite the adult she thought she was....she's recently enrolled in nursing school and is looking for a job that offers health benefits - she's getting her priorities in order, while getting the familial support she needs at home.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:15am

I think the others gave good advice.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-1999
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 1:07pm
Thought I'd add my 2cents-
My DD left for College after HS graduation - she lived in a dorm- she came home that summer- had done very well academically- went back to college in the Fall and the following summer decided she wanted to move into an Apt with 2 other freinds- OK by us- she did have a job- which we insisted on- made it clear we could NOT help with rent/expenses- etc. Eventually she did drop out of college- but she continues to live on her own. She still has her job- in fact her PT job has lead into a Full Time job. The one thing she did learn- and your DD - may need to learn/see- is even if you decide to share an apt- you have a responsiblity- rent is not cheap- utilities are not cheap ( When DD moved into another apt with a freind she suddenly found that during the colder months a lower thermostat and a sweater work wonders!) buying food is not cheap- and eating out is not always an option- even going out and having fun- suddenly involves "money" To her credit my DD only asked for help for the first Apt- she needed to pay the first month & security deposit in advance and having a new job did not have enough so we gave her that- and that really was the first/only time she has asked for help. We gave support for anything else- her Dad told her how to unclog the sink! She bought paint- she worked the yard etc-
Maybe if your DD sees what expenses she will need to pay- she will see that she needs a job first- before considering moving out
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 2:41pm

I think sometimes it is just talk and they need to get it out of their system and we have to tolerate it(not necessarily well)

My 18 yr old no longer has a non-school night curfew; we expect the courtesy of being told that he wont be home so I dont wake up in the AM to his empty bed and all those horrid thoughts we moms tend to think

That started in december and he has only stayed out past midnight a handful of times and ALWAYS told me. He is actually home at midnight more NOW than when it was his curfew-go figure!!!

He will attend college in the fall and announced at dinner 2 weeks back he would be moving in with a friend all summer. Well, we havent heard anything else since so I honestly dont know if he is following through or if its just talk

It is his choice but he does lifeguard over the summer and, being his 4th season now, he will get any amount of hours he requests.

Personally, I would let the situation with your dd ride..

Worry and talk about it here but dont bring it up or even try to talk to her about it

It may simply have been blowing smoke on her part. And consider letting up on the curfew or removing it entirely-you may be surprised

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 4:52pm

I know how you feel because I have BTDT. How to proceed really depends on the teen. My ds is the type that you can give him the freedom and he will not abuse it. My dd is exactly the opposite. Also it is harder with girls for us parents to let go completely because they seem more vulnerable.

You could start by relaxing her curfew slightly until the end of school, or tell her that you will renegotiate house rules after graduation. Other gave good advice about expecting respect and consideration. What you have to decide is what you can tolerate going on under your nose, and for how long you can tolerate it. It would not be uncommon for any teen to go a little wild when first handed complete freedom but there needs to be a point that they calm back down. If you are going to be stressed out if your dd stays out until 4am half the time and you have reason to believe that she is drinking and/or doing drugs and/or running with people that you do not approve of, then you may be better off having her move out to live her life the way she chooses. You will still worry about her but "out of sight out of mind" can really help with the worry.

All of the problems of not having a job or having to get up in time for work etc, those are all the issues that everyone has to face as they become adults. Decide for yourself how much support and of what kind you are willing to extend to your dd whether she stays at home as an adult or moves out. Will you give her money? Will you give her rides if her car breaks down? If she moves out will you let her move back home and under what conditions and how many times?

Like I said, I have BTDT. My ds always let us know where he was going, when he would return, and we knew and generally trusted his friends so we could "let go" pretty comfortably. Dd was living at home when she turned 18 and we tried offering her completely freedom of movement but expected household responsibilities. She was secretive about who, when and where and her new friends were shady to put it mildly. We put up with a lot of all-nighters etc but eventually she did a few things that crossed the line of what we parents could accept in a person living in our house, and we kicked her out. What a sad day... It took her quite a while of learning from her mistakes but finally she is behaving much more responsibly and maturely and seems to be over the party lifestyle, hopefully for good.

Do remember that your sanity and stress-level IS important, your dd is an adult now and needs to start taking responsibility for herself. I say this to mean that you do not have to tolerate "bad" behavior just because she is your "child". Also consider if there are younger siblings in the home, how they are affected by any stress and what they are seeing and learning. Good luck with dealing with this. Sometimes venting can help too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 8:50pm

There is a younger sibling...my DS who is ADHD, ODD and very emotional. He sees her
coming and going and it drives the point home to him that he is a LONER. He has
virtually NO friends and even now his College "buddy" that the schools set up, he is
getting ready to graduate and leave us. My DS is an excellent student and makes mostly
straight A's. Even though he is so smart, he still feels "left out" if you will...
which all stems back from a relative who just couldn't make over our daughter to much.

Right now, DD & DS are creating a lot of arguing, fights, etc. Just this weekend my DS went upstairs and scratched on her door and she got mad and hit the door several times. Later we found out (by her admission) that he'd made her hurt the door. Yeah right and my name is elvis! HA HA so we are dealing with some nerve racking issues right now.
Both got into trouble, him for picking and her for over reacting. OH dear.

BUT thats another posting... I want to give my daughter some more freedom, and that
way she will stay here and at least we will have an inkling of whats going on...if
she moves out, she will never tell us anything and we will not know where she is going
when she is going...etc... GEEZ growing up is harder for us parents than it is for
the kids. But then again...maybe not knowing would be better for my nerves. Which are
in a terrible state right now.

Signlady


"We are Virginia Tech - we will Prevail"