18 ..Kid? ... Adult? ... Neither?
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| Mon, 06-25-2007 - 4:14pm |
Hi everyone ... this is my first post. I'm writing for advise with an issue that is giving me a ton of grief.
I have a son who is eighteen. He is still a senior in high school and lives at home with me. He is not working because of a back injury (he is in physical therapy). The problem: He is an adult ONLY in the legal sense of the term .... he does not support himself financially at all. But ... since he turned 18 he does pretty much whatever he wants to do and close to nothing that I want him to do. He is NOT wild or overtly disrespectful, he just quietly comes and goes from the house as he pleases and rarely pitches in with anything at home that needs to be done.
He stays overnight with his friends almost always. He won't stay at home if he does not want to. I tell him to come home and he says, "Mom, it's okay ... I'm eighteen, I'm not a child, it'll be fine ... I'll come home tomorrow". He gets into cars with people who have very little driving experience and I don't really know anything that goes on after I talk to him on his cell for the last time before I go to sleep at night . . . I only know what he tells me.
When I ask family or friends for suggestions on how to keep him home and get him to focus on goals of moving forward with work and school plans, they all just throw out the easy catch phrase, "kick him out of the house if he won't do what you want him to do". I cannot do this ... he is still in high school and he cannot work because of his injury. The question is, how can I regain some measure of control WITHOUT kicking him out of the house. He's at a point where grounding and punishment are not practical and neither is making him homeless. Is there anyone else out there who has dealt with this .... any suggestions. Thanks in advance to anyone with input or experience dealing with this.

Since your son is not on a wild tear and seems otherwise respectful, I would suggest sitting down with him to negotiate and compromise. At 18, "laying down the law" as far as your rules and expectations go may also prove ineffective. He does need to know that (18 or not) he is still a dependent in your home. Family members living at home still need to communicate where they are and what they're doing regardless of age. I'd approach this from the standpoint of common courtesy rather than "control". Hopefully calmly discussing this with the "Here's what I need... What do you need?" approach will find both of you bending a little to get results.
If he is not working and can't, then stop giving him money!!! I would tell him that he gets nothing but a roof over his head and the food that you have in your fridge until you and he come to a suitible agreement. The main point is that it needs to be an agreement in my opinion, between both of you. I can't imagine this really, it's the only thing I could think of ;) Good luck.
Julie
If he's physically not able to work until his injury heals, I don't think it would be productive to "punish" him for his lack of an income by not giving him any more cash.
Just wondering what it is you expect him to do at home if he can't work because of a back injury. He can't do yardwork, home repairs, lug laundry etc... If he can't sit on a stool at a register, then he certainly can't stand at a stove to cook a meal. I can understand your concern, but what do you expect him to do to help out? He can't contribute financially because he can't work, he can't work because of the back injury and he's limited in ways he can help out at home because of the back injury.
As for the attitude. Being a member of the family and contributing to the common good has no age limitations on it. If anything an older teen should be doing more to help out because they are capable of doing more. If he's incapable at this time (for medical reasons) of doing more then he needs a plan for the future.. housing, work, education etc and be activly working towards those goals/plans. As for not letting you know where he is... even my DH calls when he's going to be late and lets me know where he is. Being 18 isn't a licience to be inconsiderate. You need to make that clear to him. The kind of freedom he's asking for comes with being gainfully employed and living on your own.
stacy
It's tough to be 18 and legally be an adult but still be dependent on your parents. I got the speech once when my DD turned 18 about "now I can do whatever I want." I said that she could do whatever she wanted when she moved out & supported herself. It seems that so far, the only things that are different is that she can drive after midnight, buy lottery tickets (she had to do that once) and vote (which won't come up til next year). I also agree that I would never consider just kicking a child out of the house unless their behavior was bordering on criminal or violent. Besides, he's still in high school, where is he going to go? Not realistic.
My DD is always out and really I don't know exactly what she's doing. Usually I get a general idea of shopping, movies, hanging out w/ friends. Our town isn't that big, so if she's at a friend's house, it's usually w/in 5 miles of home, so I don't really worry. I tried to impress on her that I just need to have some idea of where she is and when she's coming home, just so I don't worry. Once she decided to stay overnight at a girlfriend's house and didn't tell me and her car was home. I got up at 5:00 a.m. to use the bathroom and found out she wasn't home and was a little worried, although I assumed she was probably w/ friends. I restrained myself from calling her then, but I did wake her up a little later. When she came home, I told her that I didn't care that she was staying at a friend's house, I just wanted to know where she was and that if she decided to stay at the last minute (like she did that night) and she thought it was too late to call home and wake us up, she should at least call my cell phone and leave a message for me to check, just so I would know she was ok. I guess it sank in cause the next weekend, she called the cell & left a message that she was at a friend's house and they were going to watch a movie and she would be home late. So I would say that if your DS tells you he is staying at his friend's house, unless you think that those friends are dangerous to be around, you should just let him stay there. You don't seem to have any reason why he should not be sleeping over.
I also really have to nag my DD to do anything around the house. She is really messy and I have to tell her over & over to clean up her stuff. It's annoying. But again, there's not that much I can do since I'm really not giving her any money either. She pays for her own car expenses & entertainment and she just got a lot of money from graduation. I guess your son probably needs some spending money so depending on what his physical condition allows him to do around the house, you could say that you could give him X dollars a week, but you expect him to do certain chores and then if he doesn't do them, don't give him the money.
Welcome to the board......I don't believe in kicking kids out once they become legal adults either. Not unless they are getting into real trouble and every last possible avenue has been exhausted. Let's face it, it is completely unrealisitc for them to be able to support themselves when they are just starting out let alone someone who has an injury preventing him from working. But if he is able to get around and stay at friends houses and have a good time for himself then he is able to do something around the house and I can understand your frustration. I agree with pp's that sitting him down and having an adult conversation regarding expectations from both sides is a place to start. Even though he is 18 he is still a member of your household and every member needs to pick up their own slack. Does he pick up after himself when he is home? Does he do his own laundry?
As for him letting you know where he is and that he is safe is just a common courtesy that all family members should abide by. My DD will be a senior this fall and she will be 18 soon enough and I wonder if we will be dealing with some of these same issues with her. Although we have always had a rule in our house, the number one most important rule, to always let us know where she is by sending a text, writing a note, sending an email, something...and DH and I do the same thing with her. If she is going to be late I never yell at her as long as she lets me know. It has worked well because she knows it is more of a safety issue with me than a controlling issue. And if we're late, she is the first one to call us asking where we are because she worries about us too. But then, once we're home, she wants to be left alone and gives us an attitude...lol.