18 yo daughter treats me like dirt
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| Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:35am |
Just got home from a really great night out with the girls..only to barely open my daughter's bedroom door to the tune of "stay out of here..you annoy me...from now on I'm going to act like I'm sleeping when you come home so you don't ask me any questions"!
This is the same daughter who comes to me almost too much for "advice", whether she heeds it or not, on everything from her job, to her bf and that relationship, to just about anything. She'll will (and did tonight), text me or call me the whole time I'm out with girlfriends or her dad...she has to be the "center of my attention" even when I'm out.
If you asked me (or better yet her) if we're close...I (and she) would probably answer a resounding "YES"! But I'm now, after the last few years, figuring out it has to be on HER terms...the "talks", spending time with me.
I know all of you out there will say..don't take it from her..do something about it..but my question to those of you who have "been there done that" is how? Do any of you mothers have any "fool proof" ideas?
I'm almost embarrassed to say just how much I bend over backwards for her..from money, to clothes to sticking up for her with her dad when I know she's wrong to pretty much making life for her "peachy keen".
I know I'm in the wrong, but as a mother, it just hurts; hurts to see what a "brat" I've raised (at times) and hurt that I don't do anything about it.
HELP!!!

Hi,
She is 18 and it comes with the territory. All that I just wrote in reply to Redhead applies here. Adolescents has been described since I was in grad school in the early 1970s as a time when kids want to be totally independent and totally dependent(especially emotionally) all at the same time. Sounds like that is what is happening in your house.
I have a son who is 28 who is living with me for the third time. This is the first time when our relationship is mostly adults. There are still times when he reverts to the thoughtless little snot he used to be. Now, though, after a year of being clean and sober, he catches himself and becomes loving son, again. That is what you are going to experience one day. For right now you need to know that what is happening is normal and that it is important to choose your battles. If she is consulting with you all day and asking your advice, what more do you want? Read the postings on these pages from parents that wished they had that contact with their 18 y.o. dd. When I finally got through my head that the token abusive talk was just a way for my son to assert his independence to himself, I was able to let it pass knowing it was not about me.
On the bending over backwards stuff, I have always believed that parents always need to do what is responsible, period! If that makes me unpopular with my kids, so be it. I am not their friend and buddy. If their not liking me because I acted in their best behalf as a parent affects me as if I was cut off from a buddy, then I know that I need to be making more friend of my own. You can still change the way you are doing these things. Once you realize that by continuing those things that created the brat, you are not being the great mother you really are, then you will start to make the responsible choices. I guarantee that your dd will be quite upset and will start to respect you even more because you will be modeling responsible behavior for her and that is the ultimate parenting teaching tool.
Jason
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs
It really hurts when our teens or kids say fresh, meanish things to us. I've been there. My daughter (13) went to Hersey Park. I said did you bring home any chocolate? She said yes. I said can I have a piece. She said no. I give her anything and everything I own--she wipes my wallet clean. I feel like the pursuer--she the pursuee. I read one of her favorite books (which wasn't my thing to try to connect.) A writer I know never even wanted a kid, has a teen who pursues the mom for attention and runs in yelling mom, mom, I finished Flaubert--HER MOTHER'S favorite author. Her mother shushes her away so she continue talking about her life with me. Sometime I think really giving moms like us get taken for granted by our kids.
My 13 yr old hurt my feelings this yr. bec. her answers were clipped and she wasn't chatting with me as before and she would say things in a not nice voice. I would say repeatedly, dip your head in the honeypot. She would say after awhile, I hate that expression. I said well I hate having to remind you to be nice.
Once the admissions director from a school she wanted to get into called and dd comes bouncing in and demands rudely, sign this, interrupting the conversation. I mouth softly it's the important school to her and her face shows she knows what she is doing is rude. She stopped then. That brings me to tactic two--I still love you but others won't accept you if your rude or fresh.
This child was mother's girl. I was close as two peas--she was the love of my life that would defend me! At 4 she would say, My sister is being rude to Mommy! My 15 yr old hurt my feelings as a child. Nos she's basically sweet!!! Go figure! I have a unique situation. I have a physical limitation and have always needed help. So, I was afraid this came about becuz I couldn't do what normal moms can do.
Once I guess I had a bad parenting moment. She hurt my feelings--mostly with her indifference and benign neglect with a dash of freshness thrown in. What a recipe! So, I got so hurt I said, you know I have a lot of jobs I didn't take so I could be here for you. They won't go to the city itself where the jobs are. So, if u really don't want me around here, I'll go work. I'll be there for you and come back the moment you want me. She said that she hated me to talk that way, she wanted me here. Yeah /duh. Who wouldn;t someone who worshios them and bends over backwards so much my back is mishaped! LOL I said I want to be here. I hate when I said this too. I'm just asking you to treat me like you want me here.
That's my worst tactic I ever did.
Also, needing people to help me--some want kids of their own so to be favorite with your kid they sneak them candy--making me like Atilla the Hun for pushing veg
g., fruit, etc,
Your daughter seeems very close to you though. So, I think u only have half a problem. It is the better half. You just got to get it across that talking like that hurts. Do it in reverse and see how she feels.
Oh, yes, I've enlisted the help of her friends who are very polite to me. When she sees they are being nice and I make a big fuss about it, she feels her peers don't approve of her antics. Use peer pressure to get them to do what you want them to!
My daugher went to camp this summer. She reminded me she called me every night. See, the closeness means alot to me. So, at least you have that.
Good Luck! I sent you hugs--becuz I know I need one after my daughter hurts me with a remark like that. I hear they return to normal in their twenties, The end of mean girl daughter syndrome is in sight!
Sometimes, kids figure out that mom is willing to bend over backwards to make them happy, and that's often when they start treating mom like crap.
"Just got home from a really great night out with the girls..only to barely open my daughter's bedroom door to the tune of "stay out of here..you annoy me...from now on I'm going to act like I'm sleeping when you come home so you don't ask me any questions"!
This is the same daughter who comes to me almost too much for "advice", whether she heeds it or not, on everything from her job, to her bf and that relationship, to just about anything. She'll will (and did tonight), text me or call me the whole time I'm out with girlfriends or her dad...she has to be the "center of my attention" even when I'm out."
manipulation. you had a "great" night out, she didn't, and she said that to bring you down. she got mad cause you went out and had fun. sounds like you need to go have fun a bit more often. let her come to you for "advice", listen to her, let her make her own choices. by that i mean, be a sounding board for her, but let her come up with her own ideas, let her run her thoughts past you, so you stay connected, but don't offer much advice, or scale it back a bit slowly. when you go out next time, turn you phone off. what are the odds there'll be an emergency during those few hours? if so, she can call dad if you're out with the girls. doesn't she have anything to do? or does she waste her free time trying to be the center of your attention? suggest she go out with friends while you go out, does she have a bf? she is 18. does she have a job, or is she still in school? time to give her some more responsibility, around the house and in her own life.
best wishes
sallie
I know that 18 yr old girls can be really moody. Sometimes DD is all excited to talk to me, then other times if I "interrupt" her by going into the office when she's on the computer or she doesn't feel like talking, it's like "get out, you're bothering me." So a little of that is normal.
I had a couple of nights out w/ girls this summer since all my friends are turning 50 this year (mine is coming soon). So the first time, I shut off my phone. DD usually doesn't call when I'm out or she's out anyway. Of course, DH was supposed to be home, DS (11) was at a friend's, there was a big mixup involving DH's car breaking down when he was picking up his DD at the movies, he tought DS was with his father (which he was supposed to be, then he told his father not to come cause he wanted to go to his friend's) and it turns out that when I call home at 10:00 to say I'm coming home from an hour away, I find out that DS isn't home cause DH didn't remember that he was at his friend's! The next time I went out, I turned my phone on. lol But if I was out w/ my friends and either one of the kids called about something that wasn't an emergency, I would tell them that I was out and we could talk when we got home. I'm sure your DD wouldn't like it so much if she was out having fun w/ her friends and you called and bothered her about something. Some kids really don't want their parents having any fun w/o them or having their own lives. I was never one of those parents who totally lived for my kids. I always had my time w/ my friends (even if it wasn't that much) and went on vacations w/o them.
It's also about time that you stopped bending over backwards for her. Some parents don't like their kids to work during the school year. If she doesn't work, does she have some kind of budget or do you just buy her everything she wants, designer clothes, etc? After DD started working, she started buying her own clothes that were non-essential. She is a very good budget shopper, always looking for sales. I will buy her things like a winter coat or if she really needs something, but she has tons of clothes. If she has 50 T-shirts (and I'm probably not exaggerating) I'm not going to buy her more just because she wants something.
It's also not fair to you to be sticking up for her even if she's wrong. What's up w/ that? I have a diff. situation cause I'm on the 2nd marriage, so thre are all the blended family issues, but is it because her dad is unreasonable, or do you just not want her to take the consequences of her actions?
Thank you, all of you, for your thoughts and wit!
My 18 year old daughter is spoiled, there is no doubt about that, and, yes, thinks that with her boyfriend (not so much the girlfriends) that the sun rises and sets on her.
This is her second time around with this boyfriend; her controlling behavior ended it almost 2 years ago..can't wait to see if she's changed or not this time around (it's only been 6 weeks...from what I overhear...nope!)
She is the only child I have at home right now. She has a 24 year old brother who has been out of the house for 5 years now and she, sad to say, has pretty much taken over my life (and I'm embarrassed to admit I let her).
She does have a job where she does work 20-30 hours a week and for the first time in my life I'm not handing her money....ever. She's not really struggling though because she has money from high school graduation as well as her paychecks to live on.
I can't explain why, for the life of me, I let this child manipulate me the way she does but if I could only "turn off"...I know we'd both be in a better place.
After dumping my feelings on IVillage last night, I decided I was going to try, if only I could make it one day at a time, to play this "game" her way. So, this morning I left to go grocery shopping, didn't acknowledge her pretty much at all when I returned, showered and left for work with only a "goodbye" only to have her call me at work saying "what crawled up your butt today, mom?".....and I smiled...it's working...she already knows I made a concientious decision to not make her the center of my attention with the usual "what are you doing today?" questions.
I know this daughter of mine has never had any consequences for the things she's done in her 18 years of existence...and when I made her stay home from a night out with her girlfriends a few weeks ago for the terrible way she treated me....I left feeling so good to finally carry out with my threats.
She'll be starting college in a few weeks...a local branch of a major university for the first two years and then off she'll go. Whoever said you have to earn her respect....thank you...I'll take that with me forever.
What I'm doing isn't working...so we'll go to Plan B...things have to change and I know it will have to begin with me.
Thank you all again!
When she called to ask "what crawled up your butt this morning mom?"
Yes..it's just me and the b/f she treats like dirt. With her girlfriends and her teachers and/or employer, they'd tell you I raised the "sweetest" girl on earth...respectful, really a good friend to her girlfriends, she'd do anything for anyone except me (her boyfriend, when it comes to going above and beyond the call of duty for him...she's right there..no questions asked).
I guess she just knows who's "buttons" she can push and whose she can't. With her boyfriend, I have had "heart to heart" talks with her repeatedly since they started dating on and off for the past 2 1/2 years..about how to treat others the way you want to be treated etc...to no avail. I figure once he breaks up with her AGAIN, if it comes to that, then maybe she'll have to learn the hard way.
I guess I'm starting the discipline at 18 a little late...but I'm learning..and better late than never or I will have her single and living with me for the rest of her life! HA HA!
OK - I read all the responses with interest, because I really am in your situation. The only difference is it's NOT just the boyfriend and Mom that DS treats like dirt, it's everyone - or at least everyone that will take it.
Notice that last line - EVERYONE THAT WILL TAKE IT. I have a bit more advantageous situation than you do, as my DS DOES treat everyone like crap, so I am able to see how far he goes with the ones who take it, and how far he goes with the ones who don't - and the ones who don't have much less stress.
I liked Bunnierose's answer the best...when she called asking "what crawled up your butt?" I wouldn't have even said "your crappy attitude," I would have just hung up. The other day, my son called me, and while I was saying something, said "listen, b**ch..." I hung up. He called back and said "we got disconnected." I said "No we didn't, I hung up," and hung up again. Needless to say, when he called back (which he did), his attitude was decidedly less abrasive.
Text messaging is a marvelous tool. When you are out with the "girls," or alone, tell her you will not be answering your phone. If there is an emergency, she can text you (if it's an imminent safety emergency; i.e., someone breaking into the house, she should be calling the police anyway - not you) to tell you she has something important to tell you and to please call her. Then, if it's not REALLY an emergency, hang up.
Or, the next time she's out with her boyfriend, call her - repeatedly. My new method with my DS is he gets exactly what he gives.
Our relationship with our children is on their terms until they're adults - from the time they're infants, we have to respond to them on their terms. At this point, it's time to even it out.
I agree 100% with your last paragraph - but the time to start evening it out is long before they get to adulthood IMO.