19 year old driving me nuts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
19 year old driving me nuts
22
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 9:31am
I am a mother of two - one 19 and one 18 year old girl. The 19 yr old is living at home while going to College. Lately she is "seeing" a young man who is 27 and he is great (so far he hasn't done anything for me not to like him) however her attitude lately is shocking and I need advice. I will ask a question and the response is "it is my body and I don't want you to know" Last night I asked her what she had written on her hand - just being curious - her response was it is my body and I don't want to show you." What the heck is that. Then we had the talk recently about "hooking up" and I gotta tell you the casual attitude about sex is shocking as well - she again said "it is my body and I can do what I want". Well, that may be true but if she gets sick - who pays - ME!! She was recently in the hospital and I know she expects me to pay - although it is her body!! I need HELP. I am one frustrated mother of two college girls. I will be really worried when she moves out and goes to college away in a few months if she is acting this way now -how will she act later. My husband is tired of the conflict as am I - but this has to be put to rest - advice please - will my pleasant, not always angry daugther return to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 10:55am

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Sure, she will be back! I would say my relationship with my 22 yr old is somewhat like that I have with my 20 something coworkers-wise, caring adviser. Still, I can tell by his body language when I am slipping back into 'mom knows best' mode and I THINK I'm pretty good about immediately backpedaling.

It's learning on both parts and it takes a year or two. I am still in the depths of it with the 19 yr old and it looks to be a longer haul than with DS1 since this one is more quick to anger(and does more absolutely stupid things ;))

It IS a different relationship, though, which is sad because it's leaving the child behind and I sure didnt want to go there(like I thought I had a choice)

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 11:03am

Hugs~ I really don't know how I would react to my 19dd dating a 27 y/o man. IMO, that's just out of line, especially if she's in college surrounded by peers with similar interests, etc. To me, the 27 y/o is either way immature or looking for only one thing. I am sorry if that is a narrow view, but I haven't experienced it, and never hope to, so I don't know how I would handle that - I only know how I feel about it now.

In regards to it being her body, she's correct. It is her body and she can do what she wants with it and she can sleep around and she can draw on it. I am assuming she is on your insurance? Well, she is old enough to be paying her own co-pays, etc., so if she incurs a medically related debt, she should be paying it. And let her know that you will not be paying her co-pays anymore. You provide the insurance, but she needs to take responsibility for the other end of it, such as preventative care and co-pays. Since it's 'her body' (which it is), she can suffer the natural consequences of her actions and pay for them.

Unfortunately, we have to make small detachments along the way in regards to giving them space and opportunity to make their own choices about their lives. It is difficult and it hurts and often we don't like their choices, but detaching and letting them make their own choices is part of parenting along with all the other stuff. You sound like a parent who has kept her girls well informed over the years - the rest is up to them!

Hugs~hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 11:37am

Thank you so much - when I suggested last night that if it is her body and she could make the payments on her doctors visits her response was "I don't think so" - well it do think so. I have tried to always be open and honest and tell them straight up what is going to happen in life - something I didn't get as a child/teen. But I gotta tell you this new attitude is causing great friction. I can't say much about the 27 year old as my husband is 10 years older than me and it works well. I know that she has friends that are doing really stupid things and I think that she is trying to fit in with them. The hard part is when she wants to spend the night with him - and you know what a 27 year old wants when a girl is spending the night - I have tried being not so nice about it - to sure you go right ahead and spend the night - neither works. She doesn't understand why it isn't a good idea - especially since she has only known him about 4 weeks.

Glad to know that she will come back around to being "normal" - this is just a tough time - there are lots of books on babys and toddlers but not much help for raising a 19 year old.

Hugs back

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:04pm

I guess if she has already spent the night w/ the 27 yo, then it's too late to put a stop to it. However, if she were spending the night w/ a 19 yo man, I don't think the situation would be any diff.

I sympathize w/ you being in this diff. situation. I'm glad my DD is going away to college, so if she does spend the night w/ a BF, I don't have to know all the gory details. I know some will disagree w/ me, but I always kept my parents in the dark. If I felt what I was doing was private and I knew they would disagree w/ me, then why sove it in their faces? (And by the way, I wasn't doing anything until much later!)

I don't suppose there's any way you can really prevent her from spending the night w/ him and you have probably had the discussions about birth control by now, so there's not much you can do. As far as paying the co-pays, is it that much money? I know in our plan, it's only $15 a visit, so it wouldn't matter too much either way who pays. However, if my DD was on birth control, I would certainly expect her to be paying for that. If you're not old enough to take that responsibility, you're not an adult and not old enough to be having sex, in my opinion.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:05pm

My very best friend's 20dd (she just turned 20 last week) is going out with a 43 y/o man. Apparently, my friend has learned that he is supposed to be in recovery from a cocaine, pot and alcohol addiction, but has since fallen off the wagon since seeing her dd. My friend also found out that he has two children from a failed marriage back in his 30's. He also had a cocaine induced heart attack when he was 35. This is a very scary situation.

My friend has tried everything within her power and what she can think of to intervene and save her dd from a life of ruin - to no avail. She is now at the point of giving up. Her dd cannot be reached, she won't listen to anyone, she's lost all her friends one by one and the guy lives with his parents still (he is why the word LOSER was invented) so my friend's dd will soon be homeless.

My friend really wants her to come back home and be a part of the family, but she has come to realize that what she wants and what her dd wants are two different things. My friend took the step of cancelling her dd's cell phone - she's been paying her own health and car insurance since she was 18, so those are not an issue. However, should her dd get pregnant or ill, it would just be the nail in the coffin for her. It has been torture watching my friend go through all of this, I can't imagine living it.

My friend is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, no lie - she's seeing a counselor and has to take meds just to get through the day. Slowly, she is detaching and realizing that there is only so much she can do or have control over.

She's finally at the point where she has to let her daughter fall very hard before she believes the girl will listen to reason. Until that time, however, she's battling everyday to keep her emotions in check. It's taken its toll on my friend's marriage and her other children. Her key question is: When do you stop fighting for your kids? When do you stop saving them from danger? When do you stop swooping in to save them? The answer is the same across the board: When they don't want to be saved. When they no longer want you to fight their battles or swoop in. As a parent, I face this issue with my 17dd, though not on such a horrible and devastating level (nowhere nears), but still...when do we stop worrying about our kids and their welfare and their future?

I think you've let your feelings be known and she knows what's worrying you. There really isn't much else for you to do. As far as her saying : "I don't think so" to your suggestion...aha, too bad. Simply place the bills on her dresser and walk away. She's an adult and she will be held responsible for those bills. They are not your responsibility any longer. MY 19dd pays for her nuva ring, her copays for her DR visits, etc., and she's a full time college student with next to no income. She has to learn how to budget her expenses and those are her expenses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:33pm

I think if she went away to college that would be easier - not knowing is a good thing now that I am a parent. Trust me I have had all of the talks - plenty more than I ever had. What is amazing to me is the view of young people on intimate relations - not intercourse but everything else. She says it is a generation gap - I happen to disagree - those kind of things you do when you are in a long relationship - not with people you have met at a party - or only been seeing for 3 weeks... Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to just scream - they don't get it - she keeps doing the stupid things. Oh, trust me - she will get the bills - she will make the appointments to go to the DR and I am not going to remind her - She will soon see what it is like to be an adult and how once you become and adult you want to go back to being a kid. Only time will tell.

I must say - I feel not so alone since I posted this message board - it really does help to know that there are people out there with similar issues.

Thank goodness I don't have the issues of the 40 year old...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:45pm
Yes I don't agree w/ all this "hooking up" stuff or "friends w/ benefits" either and I think it is the girls who will be suffering. Medical studies have shown that due to the diff. in hormones, if women have sex, they have an increase in hormones which cause feelings of attachment, which biologically makes sense since mothers would want to be attached to the fathers of their baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:03pm

"she will get the bills - she will make the appointments to go to the DR and I am not going to remind her - She will soon see what it is like to be an adult"

I don't remember just how long you can keep college students on insurance (I'll find out myself in a few short years). But, you might want to remind her to enjoy these little smaller bills now, as in a very short while she'll be having to pay them ALL herself, insurance premiums included. Remind her, it's a whole lot less this way, than if you drop her and she has to cover herself completely. Since she's an adult and it's her body, she can pay for it.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 2:36pm

Why is that we women get it (we mothers) my husband thinks that I am blowing this all out of propotion and that I will turn her against me. He thinks that I should just let it drop. My problem is if I don't say anything then I just get more frustrated. I know that we all made mistakes and we all had to learn - however, if I can help her not make the biggie's then that is what a mother does, right? I don't want her to end up regretting mistakes that she has made and is not able to do the things that she wants to do just because of bad choices. If you want to travel, then why be tied down to adult issues, pregancy, etc. It is like a totally different person inside her body. She used to talk about all kinds of things - hang out together - now if I ask her anything besides, how are you today, she is angry and short and walks away. I don't understand. Maybe when they both move out things will look rosie again at home.
Thanks for all of the advice - i appreciate it. My sister that has children only has little children so I don't really have anyone to ask these types of questions to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 4:18pm

There are no books because the "raising is done". She is 19,no longer a child. She has to allowed to make her own mistakes and start to live her life.

Go ahead and have her pay her health insurance (I don't know much about that.. I live in the land of socialized medicine). You are in your rights to come up with a list of "what you will pay or not pay for" for your adult child. Sit down with her and discuss your "implied contract" with her.

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