19 year old driving me nuts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
19 year old driving me nuts
22
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 9:31am
I am a mother of two - one 19 and one 18 year old girl. The 19 yr old is living at home while going to College. Lately she is "seeing" a young man who is 27 and he is great (so far he hasn't done anything for me not to like him) however her attitude lately is shocking and I need advice. I will ask a question and the response is "it is my body and I don't want you to know" Last night I asked her what she had written on her hand - just being curious - her response was it is my body and I don't want to show you." What the heck is that. Then we had the talk recently about "hooking up" and I gotta tell you the casual attitude about sex is shocking as well - she again said "it is my body and I can do what I want". Well, that may be true but if she gets sick - who pays - ME!! She was recently in the hospital and I know she expects me to pay - although it is her body!! I need HELP. I am one frustrated mother of two college girls. I will be really worried when she moves out and goes to college away in a few months if she is acting this way now -how will she act later. My husband is tired of the conflict as am I - but this has to be put to rest - advice please - will my pleasant, not always angry daugther return to me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 4:32pm

There were no books on teenagers that I could find that would help me - once they turned 13 they became different people. I am all for letting her/them make their own mistakes - but I gotta tell you - when they live in your home - eat your food - use your water and electricity and expect me to pay for things like always - it doesn't feel like they are adults to me. And if you are a group of adults living in the same house - usually they all pitch in together to do chores, pay bills, etc. Got none of that going on here. Just time for me to learn the lesson of tough love I guess.

Avatar for suzyk2118
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Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 4:36pm

Somewhat OT, but based on your comment about adults living in the same house pitching in...ds14 came home last week and told me he intends to take a year off between HS and college because EVERYone does that (which I did question first). I said, "Oh?! Then what will you do during this year off?" He said he'd work. I said then if he's staying at home and working, he will pay rent and utilities and part of the groceries, etc. He said, "Your own flesh and blood?!" I said yep. Gave him pause...

Sue

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Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 4:57pm

Yeah, I said the same thing - it worked for a little while - I had them both paying rent (it include food, utilities, etc.) then I got tired of always having to ask for it - and beg for it and I just stopped - yeah, I know it is my own fault - but I figured she was going to college and working and that was a lot - I didn't want to become a total nag. My girls have it easy - I admit it - and I guess that is why it is hard to swallow the "new attitude" - I guess that I will have to get my own new attitude as well - we can all play that game. It is just tiring. I just want simple. I should have made them do more around the house and such. Seems like there are plenty of us in the same boat. Good to know I am not alone.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 5:54pm

Yes, I think that a little toughening up is in order. If at age 16, 17, 18, 19 and up they don't understand the concept of everyone pitching in, it's a little late, IMO.

If your dd is not pulling her weight and feel taken advantage of, then you probably are being taken advantage of. Just say NO. If she doesn't feel the pinch enough to become more independent and self sufficient NOW, while living in your home, when will she? I am totally with you on that. I am so sick and tired of hearing how everyone eles's parent bought their teen a new car, pay the insurance and the gas and they get to spend their job money on clothes and more clothes! Hahaha - fat chance of that happening around here!

My 19dd, college student is leaving on an externship end of June and the plan is that her paycheck will be direct deposited into her account back here at home and she will continue to live on her stipend monthly so she can continue to save money to help pay for her education. She can budget her own money fairly well, but since we're footing the bill for a major part of her college costs, she has agreed to do it this way so she can kick in what she's able to. It seems fair to all of us - but you have to beat it into their heads sometimes. My 17dd is a good saver, but she seems to think that WE should be the ones buying her a car. Ha.....aaah, she's so funny at times.

You stick to your guns and just say no. If she wants to be treated and respected as an adult, then it is time for her to behave as such and meet her own obligations and responsibilities. Period.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 5:56pm
Usually as long as they are in college and under 25, most insurance companies will allow your dependent children to remain on the policy. I know it varies, but that is the norm these days. Most insurance policies have special riders for students over 22 now.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 6:01pm

>>>Why is that we women get it (we mothers) my husband thinks that I am blowing this all out of propotion and that I will turn her against me. He thinks that I should just let it drop.>>>

I think that too many parents are afraid of turning their kids "against them" when they speak up for what's right and acceptable within their home and that's such a bad thing to do. We all have to conform on some level as we develop and become adults, partners, parents, etc. It's just another part of evolving into a fully fledged adult, kwim?

Maybe your H's thoughts are that she will grow out of this? And that when she does at least she won't be mad at you? That's just crazy. If you two can get on the same page, perhaps with some compromises, that would be ideal - you create a united front to your dd and let her know what the house rules are, what your expectations are, etc. As her parents you can do that without confrontation (another thing your h is probably afraid of) by just writing it all down and giving her a copy and then letting her make her choice. OTOH, it could backfire and she could decide to leave and go shack up with her bf - not a great thing to happen, but in the end she may realize that her bahaviors of late are not very conducive to a stress free life...it's so hard to know the right way to do things, isn't it? I wish you well - this has been such an interesting thread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 6:22pm

This is truly interesting - you are right - I don't want to push so hard that she moves out. I have already told them that I am actually looking forward to them going to college and living on their own. Then they will see what real life really is all about. Of course, they turned that into "how awful, why would you say you can't wait for your children to move out" But it is true - they both need to understand what it is like. For one week, man they were doing everything - unloading the dishes from the dishwasher - making the phone calls they were supposed to make - doing laundry, etc. Really working hard - I told them both it would only last a week and gee I was right - nothing has been done since the first three days of "let's kiss up to mom" -

I am tired of being angry as that is getting me know where - so now I am turning into the real overly excited person - she says "I won't be home for dinner" I say - great have a good time - then she looks at me funny and says "are you ok?" I guess it is the reverse psycology thing. We will see how that works.

My H and I are on the same page in front of both of the girls - it is just when we are in the planning stages that he tells me "to chill out".

I think I am going to reinstate the rent approach - we will see how that goes over - but I gotta tell you - if I have to beg for it - it will drive me crazy. I think that they know it - but how are they going to learn to pay things on time. They do pay the cell phone bill - the 19 yr old pays her own car payment (we didn't buy the car - she did) and she pays 1/2 of the insurance and all of the gas and taxes on the car.

Oh well, this is a great conversation - I am glad that I found this message board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 7:41pm

If you are in the US, the girls are still a tax deduction for you-3300 each. And their tuition and fees can be deducted up to 4000 a year-again, each.

I don't see my 19 yr old college student as an adult living among adults just yet. We claim him as a dependent and he has health insurance through us as long as he remains full time. I am grateful he has the coverage.

The 22 yr old chose a different route and lives on his own, working 40 hours a week. He does take one or two college classes at a time and we pay that tuition as a gift. He has no health insurance as his employer only offers it to the top level employees. He does not qualify under us as he is not a full time student.

He claims himself as a dependent; we cannot deduct what we put towards his schooling.

I lose sleep over his lack of health care.

I know you are venting-it feels soooo good to do so-but if you are determined to put this in financial terms, I do think you need to look at the whole picture. It was a shock the first year we lost ds1 as a deduction; we had not thought about it at all

While I certainly think the girls should be paying for cell phones and car expenses and pitching in around the house, I dont agree with charging them rent. I also can't understand making their health care anything less than 100% accessible at all times; it's simply too important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 9:16pm

I wouldn't call it venting - I would call in looking for advice here. I certainly don't want to make it impossible for them to survive. I want them to understand that they have responsibilites. I have basically handed my oldest d an internship with a group in her line of work - she tells ppl that she is going to do it - talks about how great it will be - but won't make the phone call to make it happen.

I did tell them both tonight that they have to contribute to the house and to the running of the house - to the tune of $20.00 per week - that isn't a lot - but it seems fair. If they can run out and purchase 40.00 dresses when they have so many clothes they won't all fit in the drawers and the closet - then they can give us $20.00 per week. They make great money working part time at a local restaurant - it will be ok.

I am just trying to get a handle on this "i am an adult" attitude and in the next breath she is asking me if she should take a jacket...

I love them both a great deal as all parents do - I am just seeking advice as to how to handle these new challenges.

I grew up with the - you live in my house you live by my rules thinking - even at 18 - does that mean that I can have a say in where she goes - what time she will be home, etc? See how this gets confusing..

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 11:44pm

I'm going through a tough time today. Thanks for your post. Especially this part:

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