19 year old driving me nuts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
19 year old driving me nuts
22
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 9:31am
I am a mother of two - one 19 and one 18 year old girl. The 19 yr old is living at home while going to College. Lately she is "seeing" a young man who is 27 and he is great (so far he hasn't done anything for me not to like him) however her attitude lately is shocking and I need advice. I will ask a question and the response is "it is my body and I don't want you to know" Last night I asked her what she had written on her hand - just being curious - her response was it is my body and I don't want to show you." What the heck is that. Then we had the talk recently about "hooking up" and I gotta tell you the casual attitude about sex is shocking as well - she again said "it is my body and I can do what I want". Well, that may be true but if she gets sick - who pays - ME!! She was recently in the hospital and I know she expects me to pay - although it is her body!! I need HELP. I am one frustrated mother of two college girls. I will be really worried when she moves out and goes to college away in a few months if she is acting this way now -how will she act later. My husband is tired of the conflict as am I - but this has to be put to rest - advice please - will my pleasant, not always angry daugther return to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 7:05am

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I can fully appreciate your frustrations, btdt 3-4 yrs ago when my now 22 y/o DSs were 18-19 y/o. Changing your role in their life from "mom raising a teen" to "mom of an adult" is rough, learning to let go was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I've had a much better relationship with my DSs since I've backed off my "mom of a teen" role and grown into "mom of an adult." Which means letting them make most of their own decisions about where they go, what they do, and when they'll be home. And with my DSs anyway, the more I backed off, the less secretive and "it's none of your business" they were about their lives. A lot of folks here know that my DSs are all military... J went to basic training right out of high school at 18, S went shortly after he turned 20, and Z went at 17, the summer between his junior and senior year of high school. Maybe I had a little easier time letting go when they came home, because in my mind, it's really a contradiction to tell a soldier or marine, who could be heading to Iraq or Afghanistan at any time, that he has to be home by midnight, or that he isn't allowed to go somewhere. That was as much the case for Z, who had a year of high school after basic training, as for J and S. OTOH, basic training gave them a much stronger appreciation for home and family than a lot of kids their age seem to have, so when I said "just call if you're not coming home" (after high school graduation for Z), they were much more likely to do it than before enlisting.

Just my rambling this morning...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 9:16am

What is amazing to me is that I have only joined the discussion group now for two days and I have learned so much - I cannot thank you all enough. Last night my 19 y/o D came home from work - I asked her if she would be home for dinner - she said I don't know - I said let me know by 6 ish please - she did - she went out to dinner with her 27 y/0 "boyfirend" if that is what we are calling him - she said "will it be ok if I go to dinner with T" I was like - that would be perfect - she was shocked with the reply - didn't know what to say - She then said - "are you sure" I was like that would be perfect - again, not sure how she was supposed to act - I didn't ask what time she would be home - didn't ask any ??s - just let her go to dinner. Hopefully, it will continue to get easier - this all after I had told both of them that I only have to remind the youngest to make phone calls - what time to come home, etc (she is still in HS)

That I was not going to ask the oldest anymore if she has completed her task - she began to backpeddle and denied that she ever said she wanted to be an adult - I guess the grass always looks greener on the other side.

Thanks again Ladies -

I appreciate all of your advice.

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