I have a 19 year old son at home.
Well our DDs, and SILs who live with us, are so perfect that I just can’t understand things like this. LOL I could burn in hell for a lie like that. LOL
I have always thought that blending two families well is no less difficult than landing men on the moon. I don’t think our situation of having SILs live with us counts as a blended family situation, so I’m not really qualified on the subject.
I can see that this is driving you, DH, and sonny batty, but on a scale of 1 to 100, I think it ranks below # 9,931.
Your problem is not your son, it is your husband.
When we are frustrated with a situation as a whole, it's natural to hyper-focus on one issue that may seem minor to others. I did the same thing when my adult brother was living with us. I knew he was in a bad place. I knew he needed help but I also knew he was wallowing in self-pity and not pushing himself to be independant again like he should.
I think your DH has focused on this one thing because he is probably sick of your Ds being a slob and now he's going overboard.