19 yr old DD moving out issues
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| Sun, 11-26-2006 - 2:02pm |
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes in the simplified version:
Our 19 yr. old DD has been living at home since June. She spent a year away at a university but it was not a good fit for her. She is working almost FT, taking classes at the local community college, and getting ready to apply to transfer. Having her living at home has been very stressful. I'm sure she's not the only one, but she basically has no sense of responsibility for living with others and responds only to ultimatums. She is also a total slob and she knows it. A couple of examples: on Thanksgiving our dishwasher broke and I suggested I take out the dishes on the top rack and wash them and she do the same for the bottom. She said fine. Guess what? It's not done. Another example: We did a car swap in which part of the agreement was that she would clean out the car she had been driving (it was in REALLY bad shape). It took 3 weeks of nagging until I finally hid her car key and wouldn't give it back until she cleaned it out. She doesn't respond to gentle hints, notes, going out for coffee and talking about it, getting angry and making her feel guilty, written agreements or anything else we've tried so I've had to be what seems really mean on my part. I almost told her she couldn't use any dishes for breakfast this morning since she doesn't believe in washing the dishes.
Well last week she announced she is moving out! I don't think she can afford it and see a disaster in the making but she is bound and determined to do this, I'm sure we are driving her crazy, and we can't stop her. It will happen sometime before the first of the year. My question: do I just give up now that she is moving out? She is supposed to clean the bathroom (her one chore) but I'll probably have to disable her car :) to get her to do it. I just hate all the unpleasantness and I'm sure she does too so part of me just says let it go. On the other hand, she has 4 boxes of stuff in the hallway (yes, in our hall and they have been there for 3 weeks) and 15 boxes of overflowing clothes, garbage, and assorted items in the garage. I feel like telling her she can't use our truck to move until this stuff is taken care of but we will have a huge battle as she will want to just shove it all in her room. On the other hand, I'd like her to move out on a positive note and it seems petty in the big picture. She is bright, a talented musician, almost always pleasant, does not drink/smoke, and took time away from her friends last night to eat with us and a developmentally disabled family friend. She is the light of my life but some of her habits are putting me at the end of my rope!
My analysis is that like many others at 19, she lives for the moment and taking care of the business that is part of being an adult (cleaning, organizing, household chores, returning library books, etc.) is an extrememly low priority! Thanks for listening and HELP!!!!

I's forget the bath and ask what she needs you to do to help her move? Hopefully, she will address the boxes and clothing but if she doesnt at that point...I would GENTLY prod with "what about...."
I would keep it upbeat and positive-absolutely, positively avoid bringing up the past
I would offer to go through the clothing with her and figure out what to keep and what to give to charity
I think when teens look to move out, the area they see as being such a big luxury is not having to pick up after themselves. I think its fairly normal if we have been nagging all these years and we often have
She may slob it for 6 mos and get over it or she may stay that way. A roommate may affect that. DS1 is my neat one but his GF is a slob and, in his words, 'Ive given up'
In any case, I think you are correct with this thought from your post-
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IF she needs to move back in in 6 mos, you may need to put the drill sargeant cap back on but now isnt the time
I am sitting here reading this as my 24 DS is looking for an apartment after being home for less than 24 hrs. He was supposed to be here until next July. The adjustments are tough on both sides when a child moves back home. Like your DD, my DS moved out at 19 for six mths then came back home when his exchange program was over. It wasn't easy even though we had missed him while he was gone. The problems were similar to yours. He stayed a few mths & saved up enough money for a years rent and left again. His apartment was a mess but he was eating & paying his bills so it wasn't my business. Then he went off to school for 3 yrs living in a house (we owned) with 2 roommates. His immediate room was a mess but he insisted that the common areas be clean at all times. He was extremely responsible & ensured our house was well cared for & the rents were paid on time. We sold the house when he graduated and so he had to move home the end of Aug. We have boxes everywhere, my sewing room is a mess as his stuff is flowing into it and the room he is using used to be our den. You can barely open the door & frankly I don't know if there are sheets on the bed as there is so much junk there. We agreed that life would have to change but decided to wait until he returned after traveling for a mth. Well, he got home yesterday & the tension is high. I think it's really hard for kids to be back home after they have left. They want their independence & we really don't want to be treated as roommates.
My advise is to quit the fighting. Accept she isn't going to do what you want & help her find a place of her own. Just make sure she understands that your door is always open if she needs a place to stay but that in future she needs to pitch in & help if she moves back.
DS's problem is more that he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Good luck, Dee
>>>>My analysis is that like many others at 19, she lives for the moment and taking care of the business that is part of being an adult (cleaning, organizing, household chores, returning library books, etc.) is an extrememly low priority!>>>
I think you kind of hit the nail on the head with that statement. What is important to you and H simply isn't to her. Also, she's self centered on how she spends her time and prioritizes her life. She's basically a good, warm and loving person, but she's on the cusp of independence and deep down doesn't feel that she has to adhere to your sense of order or rules. If she's going to clean the bathroom, she's going to do it in her own time and in her own way. If she is going to cancel plans to spend dinnertime with you, then she's going to do it when it suits her.
There is no right or wrong here...it is what it is. She's pulling away, she's making her way, she's crawling in the dark maybe, but she will be okay. And so will you. My 19dd started college this year and she was just home for Thanksgiving. It was short and sweet - not short enough and not sweet enough (for either of us apparently). She was annoyed with us for not allowing her to take her car back with her, I was annoyed with her for being so self centered about that issues as well as how she spent her time here. She threw a little temper tantrum and I just took her back to school a day early. It was worth the 4 hour drive, believe me. There she was worried about having her car and I'm trying to figure out how to help her stay at the college next year - it's so expensive!
Maybe between now and Christmas she will chill a little and I will get over the hurt and worry.
Yes, I think your dd is experiencing some growing pains, trying to stretch her wings. She wants to be independent and she may very well experience many bumps along her way, but that's life. In the meantime, if I were you, I'd start moving her things into the garage and give her a final date of when it has to be sorted, tossed or neatly boxed and labeled for storage. If she misses the date, call the salvation army for a pick up. You can detach lovingly and with compassion, but you should not allow yourself to be used as a pitstop or doormat.
You will both survive and your relationship may be better in the long run if she learns on her own. Many gentle hugs~