19 yr old DD too stressed out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
19 yr old DD too stressed out
4
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 6:51pm
Hi all, my 19 yr old DD is going through this phase, I guess you can call it. She has been seeing her current BF for 2+ years, she works at a retail store about 35 hrs/week, makes little money for big stress, recently completed her 2nd yr of community college and still has no degree d/t changing her major year 2. She recently enrolled in an online course for her Bachelor's degree from a prominent university here in MA. The problem is that all of a sudden - she's miserable. She's no longer sure she wants to be in a relationship, she's only going to school beccause I told her if she didn't she would have to pay rent here in the house, she feels like she's 30 instead of 19 and wants to "have fun" now. She was offered a really good job closer to home but she never called the place back to finalize things, she only wants to do what she wants to do and only what she wants to do. Often her BF will ask her to do things with him but "I don't want to do that".Her dad and I are going through a divorce and I know that's part of it but how can I help her stop being so stressed about everything? She has hives d/t stress, she walks around with a puss all day long and is cranky and irritable toward everyone. She wants to go out with her friends without a curfew, not help in the house at all. I know it's hard for her to be working, trying to put time aside for her dad, her grandma, her BF and her self but I don't know how to help her. She can't cut her hours at work because she refuses to take any money from me for her car, etc. I hate to see her so stressed and hurting and worried. i'm thinking about telling her that if she wants to take a year off from school then it's ok with me. But then there's the problem with health insurance - she'll have none and her work doesn't offer it at her level. I'm at my wits end trying to deal with this without butting in too much. Can anyone offer any ideas, support, assurance that this too shall pass?
Thanks so much!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:22pm

I have to wonder if part of the problem is end of the school year craziness, and after she's had the summer off school, will she feel better?


She should be at least picking up/cleaning up after herself around the house, but why does she still have a curfew?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 12:15am

Thanks for your response Rose. She has a curfew because I feel strongly that by living home with us she needs to be accountable to us. Her curfew is late and very negotiable but I really need to know when to expect her home. I guess I feel that if I know when to expect her, and she doesn't show up, then I have permission to worry - LOL!
She is only taking 12 credits right now and maybe things will get a little better during the summer. I really think part of the problem is that she is realizing that she soon will be a true adult - having responsibilites, wanting to be out on her own, etc and at this point she has no idea what she wants to do with her life - what she wants to be when she grows up. I actually think she needs a carreer counselor. Like I may have mentioned - she's already attended 2 years of community college and still is at least a year away from any degree.
She has gone away for the weekend with some friends and it does help but only short term. Unfortunately, life continues when she returns from her trip and the same problems are still there. I'm hoping to be able to talk to her about finding out what she truly enjoys doing and how she can pursue that but I have to tread lightly, KWIM? I don't want to cross the line from helpful to nagging. And that's a VERY thin line according to her!
I do appreciate your input - and it certainly helps to know that other moms have gotten through times like these.
Thanks so much!

Grace

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 12:18pm

I think it's really hard for some people to decide at 19 what they can think about doing for the rest of their lives. They don't understand that they can change careers later on and aren't tied to one thing forever.

Since I live in MA and you mentioned health ins. and that's why your DD is continuing to work, you should check out the new heal ins. plans. For people below a certain income level, health ins. is actually free and then I believe it's a sliding scale after that. I think the name is Commonwealth Connector. Also, companies over a certain number of employees (I think 10) are going to be required to offer health ins. to everyone or face some fines. I think it's pathetic that everyone who works that many hours isn't offered health ins. I don't know what you are paying for college, but look at that, if the time is just being wasted because she doesn't know what she wants to do, compared to the cost of health ins.

Have you suggested that your DD go to a counsellor also? She may be upset about the divorce, but not wanting to talk about it w/ you in order not to make you more upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 11:06pm
Thank you for your response. I am definitely going to look into the health insurance you mentioned. I know that she is having trouble deciding what she wants to do. I just want her to do something. Looking at my situation of divorce, I want my Dd to be able to support herself if she needs to. I am so blessed to be able to do that. But I have a college education behind me. But I am willing to talk to her about taking some time off so we will see where that goes. Again, thank you for your input - every idea helps!
Grace :)
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