20's and parents and money

Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
20's and parents and money
5
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 7:55am

I wasn't sure if this fit in my other post or not, so I thought I'd go for two seperate ones...

I know some of you have kids in their 20's, and all of you went through your 20's, so can I get a little guidance?

My dad has been very insistent lately on wanting to know my finances. I feel like I'm a bit old to be expected to tell him everything. He knows what my starting salary at my job was, but since then I've passed the CPA exam (and got a raise for it) plus I have another raise coming up. A minimum of 2 times a week he asks me what I'm making now. I don't quite know why, but I just don't want to tell him. He gets all hurt and upset when I try to gently explain that I'm at the point where I want to keep this private.

He is also starting to ask what my fiance makes. This is even more so *not* my dad's business. My dad doesn't understand why we are uncomfortable telling him. (even though he refuses to tell us what he makes)

My parents never gave me any 'handouts' in college, but when I maxed my Stafford loans, they did let me take small loans from them, with similar terms. I've been paying my loans back to them over the same time period as I scheduled my Stafford.

My mom quit her job a few months ago to take care of her dad (who has since passed) and is now having a hard time finding a new job. When she quit her job, I doubled my monthly loan payment to them - because I could afford it, and I knew the money would help.

Besides the fact that he is just nosey, I get the feeling that my dad wants me to raise my loan payment again. I feel horrible and cruel not wanting to help them out more financially, but I'm already paying them $400/month. (our loan agreement says I should pay $150/month)

Anyway, this is such a touchy subject here ... they are my parents, and its *just* money, but at the same time they forced me as a teenager to 'make it on my own' so it feels weird to be bailing them out. Not that I want to force them to dip into their retirement money, but they own 2 regular cars and several collector cars. They have a house and a summer home, plus several rental properties... I feel like before I stretch our budget, they should look at rearranging/liquidating some of their assets.

It is such a weird phase to be in, I want them to respect me as an adult, but they still see me as their little girl. I feel like I'm going through another 'cutting the apron strings' phase, only its more awkward this time around.

What point did you completely seperate your finances from your parents? I feel so torn between my parents and my responsibility to my own family.

If anyone has any BTDT advice, I would love to hear it!
~Becca

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:53am

Hey Becca, You are at a crossroads with your parents...letting your dependency on them fall away and them allowing you to become the woman they don't yet realize you are.

You're on track - your money and your fiance's money are your business only. As long as you are meeting your obligation to them in regards to your loans, none of your financial information is their business unless you make it so.

When your dad asks you what you make, simply state something like, "We're okay, meeting our needs and some of our wants, why do you ask?" Or, simply ask him why he wants to know. I remember always reading in Ann Landers about stuff like this, when someone asks an inappropriate 'nosy' question and her advice was to always turn it around and ask the person why they would ask such a personal question or why did they want to know THAT?? lol - she was right on.

It's inappropriate for him to ask, unless he's just making sure that you're financially secure, in which case, you can just tell him that you're doing fine, have all your ducks in a row, etc., whatever it takes to make him stop asking.

Personally, because he's being so insistent about it, I would go out of my way NOT to tell him anything about my finances. If push comes to shove, I would simply state to him, "Dad, listen, I know you care about me, but you have to stop asking me about my personal finances. I am meeting my obligation with you and all of our family's needs - that's all you need to know. Now please stop asking me." If he is offended, just give him time...somewhere in his head he MUST know that it's wrong for him to be prying into your business. You're an adult woman, self sufficent, supporting your family and just as he doesn't want to share his personal financial information, you have every right not to share yours. Have you ever mentioned this to your mother? Maybe there is a reason he keeps asking. I'd think they would liquidate some of thier material belongings before hitting you up for more money....don't you? Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 9:20am

I agree with this post

My mind would go to him worrying the double payment is hurting you before my mind would go to him thinking he could get more money out of you

But I dont know your dad; Im thinking in "if it was me" terms

We just had a thread on 'are you paying for college?' and the answers were pretty split. I think a lot of parents want their kids to pay a good portion even if they are able to afford it for well thought out reasons. They want the child to take it seriously; they want to foster independence. It isnt really about the money itself and I think the 20 something tends to think it is, KWIM?

You know your dad best but I wouldnt jump to too many conclusions based on what he had you do re: finances for schooling.

And assuring him you are all right as suggested-even a more detailed answer without numbers-we can pay the mortgage, the car payments and still work in dinner out once a week-should answer the question if he is worried about you

BTW who is paying for the wedding? Is this part of the equation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 2:56pm

I would just tell him that you make enough to manage your bills, pay back your debt and still be comfortable and that you would like to leave it at that. It could be that he's concerned that should you need his assistance, he won't be able to help you out. Especially if you are paying him more than you used to, as he may be concerned that your repayment schedule is taxing your finances.

JMO
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2001
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:22am

I like the idea of asking why. Why does he need to know... my parents never asked, guess I was lucky in that regard. If it's concern over your ability to pay, assure him that everything is fine - all your financial obligations are being met & you've got enough to set aside for fun plus savings plus whatever.

If it is because of financial hardship, maybe it's time to offer up your CPA services. Sounds like you understand the havoc unemployment can render on a family's finances. Lay everything out where they can see it objectively - income vs expense. Help 'em set up a budget & show the value of their assets - maybe they'll get the idea that they might be able to sell some of them.

Maybe just the offer will lead him to "Sorry, our finances are personal..." and it might turn things around.

Hey! Congratulations on passing the CPA exam! I earned my accounting degree & went straight into corporate accounting. I had no desire whatsoever for public accounting. I'm regretting it now because I can't seem to move above my current job level - the people being hired for the jobs I want all have CPAs. You definitely have an edge, keep up the good work!

- Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 11:16am

Many people, rightly or wrongly, equate a good salary and healthy financial position with success. For alot of them, its like a badge of honour or status symbol. He MAY just be trying to assure himself that you are doing well, ie that you are "successful". But this is all just conjecture. I'd ask him why he wants to know. And if you aren't comfortable telling him, when he asks say "enough".

Plan B -- lie (lol)