3 mos. till son is 18!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
3 mos. till son is 18!!!!
4
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:52pm

i only wish there was some magic dust to sprinkle on teens!!!! My son will be 18 in April of this year..... I don't even know where to begin except that I want him to graduate high school keep his job and graduate college or even a get a college tech degree.

I am a mother who has pretty much raised him on my own. His father and I have been divorced since he was 2 he has lived with me except for maybe a year and 1/2 when he was 13 and he tried moving in with his father twice, but both times wanted to come back and live with me.

I am on my third marriage, so this is his second step father. And my husband now did not come in the picture until my son was 14. They've had a rocky relationship..... They get along unless my husband tries to show him any athority then my son says that's not my father....

I feel like I don't know what to do to help him grow into a responsible adult because he got his license taken away for speeding..... got it back in November and now in January he has already wrecked his car to the point that it is not worth fixing.... received 2 tickets for the wreck because it was his fault.... received a letter for truency because he missed or was late too many times to his first period class at school.

His grades are average to poor.... He is passing everything execpt for 1 class, physics... which he's got in his head he can still graduate without it, it just wouldn't be w/honors....

His job he works at, he seems to like okay, but pays his car note and gas but the rest about 250+ goes on his social life....and to pay for all his tickets and court cost...

I just feel like he keeps digging his self a deeper whole, by getting speeding tickets and wrecks... I'm thinking the state will take his license away again and this time I'm wondering for how long? How is he supposed to get to work and college and at this minute high school, without me bringing him.... my husband tells me to let him ride the schoolbus to high school and ride his bike to work....he doesn't get off work most of the time till 11:00 p.m. I just think that is too late to be riding his bike....

I really want him to get on the right track, but I don't know how to do it because he keeps telling me he will just leave and move in with his friends...., and I keep thinking that he is on the verge of graduating as it is with his grades and if he has any mess ups between now and may he could end up not graduating...... and i know him moving in with a friend or sending him to his real dad, which he would have to switch high schools with 5 mos. to go i think would just be devestating to him.... and I don't even thiink everything would transfer accademically.

please offer any advice!

THANKS!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:02pm

I wish I had some great advice for you. I started reading cause my DD will be 18 on 3/5 and she's just the opposite, very driven to get good grades, etc.

Is this something new or has his personality always been like this? There are a couple of young men in my DH's family who are about 20 who seem to be more like your son. I think at a certain point you just have to let him suffer the consequences of his immaturity. Now I don't mean that you shouldn't encourage him to complete high school and go to college or at least get some training. Have you discussed this? And shown him that his min. wage pay might be great right now but how he probably can't support himself on that as an adult, never mind have a family.

Well, DH's nephew dropped out of h.s. DH tried to give him a job helping out w/ doing hardwood floors. He even went to nephew's house to pick him up. Finally DH had to fire him cause he would go over there and Jon wouldn't be ready. Then Jon's grandfather offered to pay for him to go to some kind of mechanic school in Ariz. (1/2 way across the country). I guess he didn't go to school, charged up his roommate's phone, etc. Now he's back here and seems at leat to be trying to straighten up. At Christmas he was talking about getting his GED and getting a driver's license so at least he can get a job. But his parents finally did have to say we're not going to support you any more. So actually I think that your DH's idea that if DS cracks up his car, he can just take the bus is good. Maybe you can pick him up at 11:00 if you are willing to do that. But I wouldn't let him just do whatever, be irresponsible and not have any consequences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:10pm

I have to agree with pp, it's time for some tough love here. Unfortunately, some kids do mature much later than others. I know what I'm talking about b/c I have a 17ds who I believe is very immature. You will read that their brains are not even fully developed until age 21, so it makes you wonder about these teens who are so "on track" even by really young ages.

I do agree with you that it's absolutely essential that he graduates from h.s. but I don't like you caving in to these threats that he will "leave and go live with friends". Hate to say it, but that may just be the wake up call that he needs. When he sees that the rest of the world is going to demand maturity from him, not just you and your dh, maybe he will "wake up". If he loses his license again, let him get a ride from his friend he'll be living with. Let him see how long friends will allow him to inconvenience their own lives.

Has he ever suffered any consequences from you for his misbehaviour? I don't even know what to tell you about the stepfather situation - that's a tough one, and I've had no experience there. Maybe someone else will chime in. Point is, father or not, he should respect his authority, like he would his boss, etc.

Good luck.
Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:13pm

It takes some people longer to find their way then others. Such is life. Look at it this way. It took you how many kicks at the can until you found the right guy? Why would you expect your son not be impulsive and not think things thru? I am not criticizing,just trying to get you to look at the big picture.

He is not into drugs. He hasn't got some girl pregnant. It could be a lot worse.
So what if he doesn't graduate and has to repeat a course or two next year. It will not be the end of the world. He go onto to college latter as a mature student. So what if he doesn't graduate with honours. It will not be the end of the world. So what if he losses his job. I question only job that has kids working late at night on a school night.

Suggestions

(1) Take the car away. He has proven that he is not responsible enough to have a car and that he acts too much on impulse. Take it away before he either kills himself or someone else.

(2) Teens in high school SHOULD NOT be working till 11pm at night. How is he going to get his homework done and get a reasonable amount of sleep? No wonder he is failing Physics. That course takes time and effort. You have to do the problems. For the remainder of the term,drastically cut down his work hours. His school work should come first. If that means he doesn't have enough money to party, so be it.

(3) I would not expect that he listens to your husband. All he owes your present husband is to be civil. You are the parent and should be the one to lay down the rules and exercise any authority. Legally, your husband has no authority over your son,unless he adopted him. You married him, not your son.

(4) Sit down with your son's father and your current husband & discuss what is going on with your son. Have you ever worked out a "co-parenting" plan? He might be turning 18 soon but,if he stays in school, he will still be dependant for a few years more.

There are only so many hours in the day. Unless the teen is taking a very easy program, their school work will suffer if they don't have enough time to do it. I wish parents would think about that. They don't realise that school is work too. They expect their teens to go to school, have part-time jobs and still get great marks! Unless the kids is a genius (and even they have problems) or the kid is taking a "joe course", something has to give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:23pm
thank you for your time to give me the advice..... I am just at a loss.... It seems to be getting worse.... now i just found out more bad news.... that he is failing four classes.... even if he goes to night school he has a chance of not graduating. Till he was in 9th grade he was honors classes, it just kills me that he is acting like this.... thanks for your concern.