8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
15
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:50am

After letting everyone in the INET know that my 16yo DD considers me intellectually inferior (see earlier RANTING MY IQ DROPPED), I received multiple emails asking for a copy of the 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER.

Please keep in mind these are meant to be from the father of a teen girl and HUMOROUS. Someone sent these to me via email, I did not write them nor can I give credit to the author. I can assure you after observing my DH, they were written by the father of a dating teen girl.

8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only words I need from you on this subject is "early" and “in exactly the same condition in which she left my home.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge, get used to this it is a life long process with women. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. School sponsored games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:06pm

Hey! Where did you get a copy of my rules?!?!? LOL - These two have special meaning for me....

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

*Both my dds know that if a guy honks his horn, she's not leaving the house. The guy must come inside to be interrogated my moi, & leave his full name, address and phone numbers.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

*Would you believe that as we sat down to dinner last night I noticed that dd and her bf BOTH had love bites on thier necks!! The BF, seated next to H, with said love bite facing H. No wonder H wasn't making any eye contact with the bf throughout dinner! I said to the bf "You know, you have a love bite on your neck" and dd kicked my chair and said, "Mom!!" BF laughed and we all went back to our pasta. Jeez.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:18pm

Share the RULES!!!!!!!!!! If my DH saw a lovebite on my DD neck from current BF (make that any BF), I dont believe he or the BF would have finished the pasta. My DH has taken on a paranoia of sorts, he really believes current BF touches DD in front of him to make DH crazy. I just laugh and say BUCK UP DH it is going to be a long ride!!

Watching DH's face alone is a form of entertainment for me when DD & BF are in the house.

Men & teenagers will we ever understand them?

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:04pm

Well, my H is dd's stepdad, so although he's been in her life since forever, I think he's able to take a step back about things. Plus, there have been times when he has freaked and I have to balance him out, bring him back to earth! I do love the faces as well though!

One morning, after about 4 months of them sitting on the kitchen window sill, H noticed a packet of BCP...he ran into our bedroom all rushed and out of breath and whispered to me, "did you know that dd was on the pill?" I said, "Yeah, hon, who do you think pays for them and picks them up?" and rolled over. I mean, they literally had been there for about 4 months before he noticed...he just has a tendency to register things like I do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:04pm

As the mother of 4 girls, with many years of dating yet to come, I hope I never lose this. And, at our house, I'm sure there will be a few additional rules added to them. DD#1 is 14 and the baby is 1, so we've got lots of years ahead.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:14pm
Bless your heart! MY GOSH! Four from 1 to 14! Well at least by the time the baby is a teen you will have seen all and heard all, poor baby won't be able to get away with anything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:05am

These rules were written by W. Bruce Cameron for fathers. My DW gave me a copy of his book a few years ago as a joke. She was puzzled by my reaction...
As I sat in bed late at night reading "Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter" I would frequently shout out comments, thus waking poor DW...
How True Bruce!! How True!!
FINALLY!! Someone who understands the way it should be!!
This guy's a GENIUS!!
By GOD!! That's the way it's going to be around HERE!!

DW would wake up (sorry DW) and in a groggy stupor patiently try to explain that.. "the book is meant to be humorous..you know? a comedy essay?? a parody of raising a daughter??..Now shut up and go to sleep."

Sigh...
For a brief moment I was in father Nirvana. Here was a parenting manual that gave me free license to shoot boyfriends, and THEN I find out his book was merely a joke.
Thanks fer nothin' Bruce... :-)

Here's another excerpt of Cameron...

Teenager Owners Manual
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron — Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coërce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there—you just have to look for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:33am

ROTFLOL!!
That is a hoot daddioe. Especially the comment about the pizza boy being her idea of an attractive man! DD's b/f is your typical scrawny, shaggy haired, 16 y/o boy, at least 5-6 yrs away from even approaching "hottie" status IMHO. And at least as far away from "suave, debonair and romantic" - but DD is sure that he's the ultimate dream man! I'm glad DD is happy with him, but it's really hard not to immitate her eye-roll when she says "mom, isn't he just the greatest????" Maybe in 10 years honey, maybe in 10 years....

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 8:49am

That is priceless and could not be truer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:40am
This is fabulous...thanks for identifying the author, definitely have to get the book for DH, someone sent it to us via email. He is not adjusting as well to 16yo DD dating years as he did to 23yo DS teenage years. DD is on Swim Team at school, enrolled in Honors/Advanced Placement classes, has a part-time job, involved in the Youth Group at church and but all those positive items bring a constipated look when current BF appears on the scene. I believe he has entered a paranoia stage, he thinks the "stupid BF" purposely hugs the DD in front of him to annoy him. Must be a Dad thing, I say BUCK UP it is going to be a long ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:44pm

True.. definitely a dad thing.

Paranoid? Nawwwwwwwwwww....
I prefer to think of it as "diligent-guardianship-of-all-that-is-sacred-correct-proper-and right-with-the-world." Without dad's watchful eye, in less time it takes to whine, "Pleeease...We've been going out TWO MONTHS now" our DD's can go from honor students on the pre-med track to working 3rd shift next to the railroad track because the stupid boyfriend want's her available.
Paranoid? Who? Me? Why do you say that? Did someone say that?...

I think I would like your DH... :-)

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