8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
15
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:50am

After letting everyone in the INET know that my 16yo DD considers me intellectually inferior (see earlier RANTING MY IQ DROPPED), I received multiple emails asking for a copy of the 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER.

Please keep in mind these are meant to be from the father of a teen girl and HUMOROUS. Someone sent these to me via email, I did not write them nor can I give credit to the author. I can assure you after observing my DH, they were written by the father of a dating teen girl.

8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only words I need from you on this subject is "early" and “in exactly the same condition in which she left my home.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge, get used to this it is a life long process with women. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. School sponsored games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:44pm

Hilarious, you may be my hubby's twin. Whenever DD declares "Dad you are crazy", he proudly announces he once, many eons ago, was a teenage boy and he knows them all; their aspirations (which do not exceed past the date night), even claims to have the skill to read their minds.

The current BF has recently been suspected of daring to make time with another girl, hubby wanted to volunteer to be the private detective. I warned him that if he disposes of this one another will follow. DD took care of it herself and made me proud, Dad would like to make him disappear in accordance with one of the 8 rules; you make her cry...I make you cry.

Hail to the protective Dad's in the world, we Mom's appreciate you even though we laugh with each cringe and scowl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:24pm

Oh, we simply MUST get your DH in here...
Are dads ACTUALLY expected to idly stand by with an approving, nurturing look while right in front of us some ughh is hugging, groping and pawing the very same flesh and blood that once gave us homemade posters and cards that said we are the center of their male universe? (Touching of the shoulders is categorized as “groping.”)

I’m solidly with your DH here...
I’m quite certain that the “stupid boyfriend” is purposely egging your DH on with taunts of public affection. Therefore, it’s certainly within his rights to quietly make him disappear and make it look like an accident.... :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 3:49pm

I have only one thing to say to all this (and I CAN only say one thing - because in fact, I'm laughing too hard to say more than one)

"Are dads ACTUALLY expected to idly stand by with an approving, nurturing look while right in front of us some ughh is hugging, groping and pawing the very same flesh and blood that once gave us homemade posters and cards that said we are the center of their male universe? (Touching of the shoulders is categorized as “groping.”)"

Actually, I feel your pain - I do not appreciate watching my children engage in PDA in front of me - however, I look at it this way...

I'd rather see them hold hands in front of me and know where they are than imagine what they could be doing in BF's car before they straighten their clothes and come in the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:21pm

I'm with you on this one! However, DH and I have recently taken a new tactic.... when the PDA gets to be a little too much for our taste, we sit ourselves down in front of the kids and engage in a little minor PDA of our own. They're usually so grossed out, it's easy to make the point that we DO NOT want to see it!

DH is an avid hunter. When T was getting too friendly with N for his taste, he suddenly needed to clean his deer rifle. I think T got the message! LOL
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:00pm

LOL! I've had friends who were police officers that suddenly found themselves "called into work" when their daughters were going on dates...in uniform...with weapons. Dates got the idea rather quickly.

Some people think I condone behavior that's inappropriate. I really don't - but I accept what is...kids are going to engage in a certain amount of PDA - whether we like it or not. I put myself in the room with my son when his dates are over (one thing I will say, my sons are content a lot of the time to have "dates" in my living room watching movies). There's only a certain amount of PDA the "date" will feel comfortable with with you sitting next to them smiling.

Strangely enough, I'm in a bit of a different - but same - situation. It's true that I have boys, which may make people think I don't understand. But they're also gay - which means their "dates" are also boys. Also, because I am a single mom, I don't have the intimidation factor of the dad, so I have to intimidate on my own - which I do (my son's last boyfriend was subjected to a 2 hour long interrogation whereby by the end I knew everything about his life I wanted to know). But even so, because of the difference in relationship, most of the time, they're hesitant to express themselves too much in front of me - and most of the time, they're hesitant to express themselves too much in public (for obvious reasons). My solution? Keep them at home - watching movies - as much as possible and cut down on the opportunity.

The one thing I did do was when my son got semi-serious with a young man a year and a half ago, I insisted he (and the young man) get tested...offered to pay for it...and told them they wouldn't go out alone until I had seen the results.

I also demand to know every last place they're going. If they're leaving the movies and going to the diner, they need to tell me (the beauty of text messaging LOL)...and they never know - I could show up at the diner at any time :).

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