Abusive DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Abusive DD
4
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:03pm

My daughter is 16 (17 in May) and abusive - to me and to her brother.

Physically: If she's upset, she will strike us, throw things, break things (we have one drinking glass in our home - according to her, "If I'm mad, something's gonna break").

Verbally: I cannot begin to list the names she calls both of us. Her response to the wake-up-for-school call this morning? "F... Off!'

Mentally: Every single day it's the same thing: "You're crazy." "You're bi-polar. (I'm not, dunno where she got that one from) "You're going to get yours." "You know, I could kill you in your sleep and you'd never know it."

I'm at my wits end. She's in counseling. She HAS been in counseling for years (in my opinion she likes it because she can perpetuate the notion she's a victim).

I've tried to have her removed from the home but can't because "She's entitled to a place to come home to" - that was exactly what the Protective Services worker told me.

I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone been through such a thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: justcolleen
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:35pm

OH MY GOD! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. And rest assured, you definitely have company here - I know EXACTLY what you're going through. You might want to bring this to the "Troubled Teens" board - in addition to here, I have gotten help from the parents there as well, some of whom are going through exactly what you're going through right now (you can read my posts about my current issues with my TT, DS18).

This is very long, but hopefully will help

First off, has she always been like this? If not, if this is a situation that has started recently, you need to establish the reason. It could be something organic (a food allergy, a chemical or hormonal imbalance, etc.), something traumatic (an incident at school, a -- God FORBID! - abuse situation she is tolerating), or something emotional (a personality disorder, depression, bipolar, etc.). If she's been like this for a while, I'd almost definitely go with the emotional situation.

Also know that people who are diagnosed bipolar tend to look like normal, average, even exemplary young people until they "crack" (my son has a friend who is 25 - she was a beautiful, healthy, smart teenager - around age 22, she started to go downhill - was eventually diagnosed BP AND Schizophrenic, and her life is now in shambles...and five years ago, you NEVER would have guessed it). If that's the case, she needs medication as well as counseling.

She needs a psychiatric evaluation to determine the root cause of her violent behavior, and once that's done, you may know what's going on, and you may be able to treat it. When you schedule her, make sure you tell the psychiatrist to build in room for you and your DH (if you have one) to meet with him/her FIRST so you can explain to the psychiatrist exactly WHY you are bringing her (don't try to self-diagnose to the DR..i.e., "my kid is bipolar,"..just bring a list of everything she's done/said that you find frightening or inappropriate, and let him know. Also make sure you tell him of any incidents in your child's life - i.e., a death in the family, divorce, etc. - that have occurred).

Now - based on that - what do you do now? Because if your TT is anything like mine, she may very well, when you tell her she's going to the psychiatrist, tell you to F*** OFF (I usually don't get that when he wakes up, but it follows after the daily "Can I stay home from school today?" "No." interaction).

First of all - tell her without a doubt that you will call the police EVERY time she exhibits violent behavior. If she hits you or your DS, call the police. If she breaks a window, call the police. Keep calling them. In my state, if you call the police on a violent minor in a domestic dispute incident three times, they are obligated to arrest the minor. What you're doing is documenting the incidents...and at some point, the police are going to insist on an evaluation. If she hits you or your son again, call the police, go to family court, and file a restraining order against her. They will be obligated to place her somewhere for evaluation.

As for protective services, they're right - she needs a safe place to come home to...but so do you. There are adolescent residential facilities (my ex husband has run two in his career and now supervises all such places in our state) where children are placed when they can't live at home anymore - for whatever reason. Look into them. Check with your counselor - your school social worker - or call the police and ask them point blank "what are my options if my DD hurts someone in my home and I believe she is a danger to me or herself?" You can also ask a lawyer's advice.

Understand this - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP YOUR CHILD IN YOUR HOME - REGARDLESS OF HER AGE - IF SHE IS POSING A THREAT TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE HOME.

If your DD is anything like my DS, she presents a very different view of herself to the outside world...carefully constructed to portray you as the nutcase and her as the victim. Be prepared for this - it's instinctive to react with anger and emotion when someone calls you "crazy" - keep your cool so they don't believe her.

And have someone other than you explain to her that if she willingly undergoes a psychiatric evaluation, she can be treated using outpatient therapy and medication, if needed. On the other hand, if you call the police repeatedly, and she is removed from your home, she CAN be committed to an inpatient facility - and neither she nor you will be able to remove her until she is there for at least 30 days.

Good luck and keep us posted - and definitely bring this to the Troubled Teens board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: justcolleen
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:56pm

I copied and pasted the original post on the Troubled Teens board. :)

To answer your questions:

"First off, has she always been like this?"

She's always been headstrong. Always. The abuse and abusive behavior have escalated in proportion with age and ability. What I mean is, when she learned it was possible to have a parent reported to Protective Services, she started doing that. (And she's done it almost a dozen times. None of her allegations have ever been substantiated, but it does cause grief. In fact, she cleaned her room day before yesterday so I suspect another report is in the works.)

She's been evaluated. She's been in counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: justcolleen
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 2:19pm

I can't believe you can't get more help from Protective Services. Who is protecting your DS from potentially being hurt or killed by his sister? In my state (MA) there is a court procedure called CHINS - Child in need of services. This can be used either if a child is truant or won't obey their parents, obviously the situation has to be extreme, not just he won't clean his room.

My DH's nephew ended up having a CHINS case because he was hanging around w/ the wrong people, using drugs and one day when he was having an argument w/ his stepF, pulled a knife on him. The judge removed him from the home, first to a foster home type of place which had very strict rules and when he didn't obey those rules, he was sent to a facility. He has to earn all privileges, such as using the computer, calling friends, etc. Unfortunately, we don't know what has happened to him now. My SIL is very secretive. My DH told his DD to call her cousin, who is the same age, and the mom just says he is out and he never calls back.

But back to you, your DD's behavior is pretty extreme and I can't see that you have to live w/ someone threatening to harm you in your own home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: justcolleen
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 4:31pm
I have to agree with the first response. My younger brother was this way to me and my mom growing up. I was physically and emotionally strong enough to beat him off (and duct tape him to a chair until he cooled off - many times), but my mom was not. when I moved out, he literally tried to kill her twice by beating her and by attempting to strangle her. She never called the police. He was later diagnosed as bi-polar. When he is on meds, he is fine...but he doesn't always take them. He is in his late twenties now and married so his wife can deal with it. You should really get her checked out for some chemical inbalance...if that isn't the issue, then she is just out of control.
I hope the Troubled Teens board can give you more options.
Good luck!