accepting clothes from friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
accepting clothes from friends
9
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 1:51pm

Admittedly, this is a minor issue compared to sex, drugs, cigarettes, etc, but I still want to solicite your collective thoughts on the following situation:

I frequently notice my dd (14) heading off somewhere (today's example, school) wearing clothes that I do not recognize. When asked where she got them, she invariably states that a "friend" gave them to her because: 1) the piece of clothing no longer fit the friend, or 2) friend didn't like the item and wanted to get rid of it. I am uncomfortable with this for several reasons. First, I can afford to buy my dd any clothes that she needs (note, I didn't say what she wants) and feel slightly offended that DD didn't even tell me she wanted more clothes. Also, how do I know that the "friend's" parents are ok with this? And if DD is receiving clothes from her friends, I also assume that DD has given some of her clothes (that I bought for her) to her friends. We are NOT talking about sharing or borrowing clothes - these are apparently true give-aways.

So, what do you think? Should I just shrug it off and not make an issue of it?

Thanks!

Amelia (a perplexed mom)

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 3:15pm

red flags mom! "my friend gave me clothes" is usually code for "I shoplifted."

Make a trading clothes rule that you can both live with. You and the other mom have to both be in agreement, and in contact, before any giving away or trading takes place. If it's more than one friend, then it's more than 1 mom. I think it's great that the kids are trading clothes. It actually makes your dollar go farther. You buy 1 shirt, it gets traded around and end up being 3 different shirts. That's good money management.

But I'd look into the first issue, are these really given to her, or is she telling you that, knowing you'll never check with the other girls parents, and they are really stolen. That worries me more than any other issue here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 3:51pm

Hmmmm...I never heard that "A friend gave it to me" is code for I shoplifted. Do the clothes look like the type of clothes you would typically buy for your dd - read this as "more revealing"? Do they look new or "worn in"? I say this b/c I have a 16ds who is an absolute nut about shoes - practically collects them, expensive "skateboarding" shoes, too. I don't buy but two or three pairs of those super expensive ones a year. When he was a little younger, he'd come home with some shoes that a friend had given him -they looked worn in, and like someone may have very well decided to pass them on. If they looked brand new, of course a red flag would go up. I wasn't offended, because I knew my son had this thing about shoes...and I'm not willing to add to his collection willy-nilly.

You know your dd best - would she shoplift? Would you get her whatever she wants, or do you have rules about what clothes you'll buy, etc? Finally, share your worries with your dd - tell her you don't know if the other girls' parents are okay with this.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 4:20pm

This would raise a red flag with me too...that somebody shoplifted, if not your dd then maybe her friend.

I would want to talk to the parent of the friend(s) that gave your dd these clothes. I know that I would want to know if my dd was giving away clothes without my knowlege that I had bought for her. If the clothes were stolen then that gives the other parent a heads-up. If for some reason your dd doesn't want you to talk to the friend's parent that would be a sign of something too. Assuming that the clothes were paid for and the other parent doesn't care that their kid is giving it away then I would be agreeable to my dd accepting those clothes...but make sure that your dd understands that her friend may expect some kind of reciprocation; if not with clothes then with DVDs or something else.

I would try to set the precedent on how to deal with this issue now while your dd is at an age where parents are usually the ones paying for the clothes. When the teens get older and have jobs and start buying clothes with their own money the parents often have less idea where something came from.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 5:08pm

Well, color me naive...shoplifting *never* crossed my mind! In fact, ds14 got a new, used (?) shirt just the other day from one of his buddies. I did wonder if his buddy's mom knew, but didn't go much further than that. We are forever giving away clothes to kids that ds14 (and ds19 for that matter) don't like/wear/doesn't fit anymore, so shoplifting never entered my mind. I guess I should look at the tag in the shirt to see if it looks washed, that might help ease some of the questions about being "new".

dang. one more thing to worry about.

Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 6:41pm

You're not the only naive one here. Shoplifting never crossed my mind either. My DD and her friends have been know to give each other clothes that they would otherwise give away to charity. In fact, the girls get a kick out of going through each other's soon-to-be- donated clothes. Some of the clothes aren't even that old, especially the ones that the girls have bought resale. Some of the items are gifts that they've received (without enclosed gift reciepts) and have never worn and don't plan to wear. Additionally, my DD had a friend her freshman year in college who came from an underprivileged background and worked to pay for all of her college expenses. Whenever my DD decided she wanted to give away clothing, her first choice was that friend who took the items happily. My DD never expected anything in return.

I like the advice given by the others about looking at the tags, talking with your DD about it and even talking with the other girl's Mom. I wouldn't fret until all I did all that first. It my all be very innocent.

Mily

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:58pm

Naive can be a nice state to be in for as long as possible! It hadn't occured to me either until my dd came home with a pair of "Citizens" jeans that her friend gave her. I know that those jeans cost at least $120 so I thought it was an awfully generous gift or discard. I started asking questions and eventually dd said that the girl had shoplifted them but now she didn't want to wear them. I insisted that she give them back to the friend (no point in telling the mom, I'd already found out the hard way that she didn't want to believe her dd capable of doing wrong) and let it be her problem not our family's. I had to consider the possiblilty that my dd was the one that actually stolen them but she said no...and that her friend had shoplifted several times but dd knew better than to go with her. A parent can only hope...

We also had a "reciprocation" issue once. A kid loaned dd his MP3 player, gave her some small stuff, etc, then eventually wanted her to do something for him (as I recall it was something like copy her homework) and when she refused he said that she "owed him" because of the nice things he had done for her. It ended the friendship (no great loss IMO) and dd learned the hard way that some things have a price and you have to look deep to know who your real friends are. As long as they learn the lessons, right?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:21pm

A big thank you to all of you who responded! I especially liked the suggestion of talking to the other girl's parents. I also appreciated the thought that the clothes could be the result of shoplifting. That never crossed my mind, either (which for various reasons should have)!

So I called the girl's parents tonight (my dd willing gave me the phone number when I asked for it) and spoke to the dad. Their side to this story was that their daughter "S" had LOANED my dd the pants (they were sweat pants) during gym class because my dd didn't bring any. My dd was supposed to then wash the pants and return them. All of this makes sense! So I told my dd that she was supposed to return the pants and she said, "Oh. I thought "S" said I could keep them."

Even though today's incident has been resolved, I am filing away all of your collective wisdom for the next occurrence. Thanks again!!

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:51am

Any time the kids use the "friend" bail-out, I get suspicious.


"a friend gave me the clothes" - are they really shoplifted?


"I'm holding 'it' for a friend" - be it drugs, alcohol, cigs, or condoms... sorry gang, if it's in your posession you're just as guilty as the "friend."


Experience has made me suspicious and apt to check things out more closely.


Rose

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 9:29am

My 18dd told me that some of the girls she knows in school have been stealing clothes, makeup and jewelry from the local department stores for years, at least since they were about 14. They actually show them off in school and brag about how easy it is to go into the dressing room with an armload of items, change into some, shove some in a bag and be sure to leave some on the rack at the dressing room. They are little experts.

Well, recently 2 girls were arrested. The most popular store is Kohls - they have no security bars by the entrance. My dd stopped being friends with one of them when they went shopping together and after they left, the friend showed her makeup she stole.

If that's what is going on with your dd, I would careful about her spending too much time alone with her GF's at the stores. You should also sit her down and go over the dangers and consequences of shoplifting as well as how shoplifting causes many businesses to lose money and/or raise thier prices to compensate for those lost sales.

Or, call some of her friend's moms and see if thier dd's are also sharing thier clothing, etc.