active listening (i.e., not talking)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
active listening (i.e., not talking)
3
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 5:48am

I understand the concept of active listening (I think), but I'm not sure I actually know how to do it.

My daughter starts high school (9-12) next week. I'm trying not to panic. My sweet little chameleon is picking up on that. She's trying not to panic.

My question is this: How do I respond, when she tells me about the meanness (there's so MUCH of it in teenage girls), without giving advice, jumping to her defense, grilling her for details, etc.?

When she's hurt or angry, when she needs to vent, she comes to me. I want to just listen, let her know I'm sorry that she feels bad, and then MOVE ON. I don't necessarily want to share her pain, but I do want to validate it. (I just can't stand it when people are mean to my kids, and my daughter has a couple "friends" I would have dropped years ago.) I don't want to offer advice unless she asks for it, and even then I just want to help her figure it out on her own.

So, anyone have any good suggestions for simple responses that keep the girl talking, but not obsessing?

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 7:04am

Well, active listening, as I understand it and have used it, is really about trying to understand another person's viewpoint. Its practiced in a manner where the listener, does not talk, focusing their full attention on the person talking and then, when the person talking is done, the listener might play back what they heard the person say. Its used for conflict resolution, providing feedback, clarifying issues etc. I don't know if its also used for providing a sympathetic ear or providing advice, as is when a teen has an issue with mean girls...but you might try it.

I guess what are you are trying to ask is how do you listen to your dd's concerns about mean girls etc w/o becoming too judgemental, upset, involved etc.? You are worried you might alienate her or scare her off if you try to do too much.

My dd has had some minor issues with mean girls (and there are mean boys too, don't forget that). I would just listen to the story, let her blow off steam and then ask her if she wanted me to do anything about it. If she asked me to stay out of it, I stayed out of it. Sometimes I shared stories about things I experienced as a teen. And, frankly, most of the time I had no solution even as a teen except that eventually they went away and focused their attentions elsewhere.

My dd is going into her 2nd yr of high school. We were both nervous too at first but I personally am pleased with how her first year went. She made alot of new friends, gained a great deal of confidence and independance, stayed out of trouble and did well in her classes. I find that the stories of mean girls are blown out of proportion and, in general, if you dd doesn't seek out any trouble, she won't find it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:01am

thanks, diamondslb.

So basically you're saying just let her talk and then ask her if she wants me to do anything about it.

I wasn't referring to Mean Girls as in the type who go out of their way to cause pain and suffering, but the typical female behavior of best-friend-today-not-speaking-tomorrow kind of stuff. Some "girls" never out grow it. I had a (supposedly) good friend suddenly become "too busy" for me just last year...this woman is in her 50s. She had no time to get together with me and then stopped responding to emails or returning phone calls. We had mutual acquaintances, so I asked if she was sick or out of town or something. She was fine. Apparently she was just no longer speaking to me. If we'd had a specific disagreement or something...well I have no idea what I did to send her away. I can think of maybe one thing or another that might have offended her, but nothing that should have caused such a severe reaction. But I'm not a teenage girl myself, so I just let her go. Her loss, I figure. "I don't have time for people and their trips."

So when my daughter called me last night to tell me, "Megan hates me, Mom." Well, I let her tell me the story of getting registered for high school and who spoke to her and who waved from across the room and who sat down right beside her and turned away specifically to exclude her from the conversation. Megan may or may not hate her, but she is extremely rude.

I don't remember high school. It was too long ago. (kidding) I had some friends and bullies didn't bother me...I mean some tried I guess, but they didn't get under my skin, but mostly I had more important things to worry about than my social life, so it wasn't much of an issue. (Also a very small rural school 30 years ago, has very little in common with a large urban school in the 21st century...so even what I do remember is irrelevant.)

But I was a teenage girl one time, so I guess I can try to empathize...as I recall I loved being 14. (I liked being 4 and 23 too...don't much care for anything in my 30's or 40's though.)

Anyway, thanks again for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 11:56am
What you are doing is excellent, and what I SHOULD have been doing a better job at myself! My 13 year old's current issue is my foster son - they don't get along, and she isn't happy about him being here. I didn't realize how bad *I* was at listening to her, until she complained to me about one of her best friends, yesterday. This girl's mom is a friend of mine, so I think she's got more of *my* perspective on the situation. So Morgan said to me yesterday, "You know, Mom - I hate talking to Diana about Austin. It's really disappointing, because she never feels sorry for me or just lets me vent - she's always trying to "make me feel better" by giving me advice on how to handle him, or saying things like "sounds like a pretty typical brother". I don't WANT her to make me feel better! I just want her to care that I feel bad!". And yes, that is exactly what I've been doing to her as well. So now I'm going to listen to her feelings, and then ASK if she wants me to give her any advice, or if there is anything else she'd like me to do to help her.