Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Advice?
4
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:53pm
Okay, this is minor, compared to other posts, but none the less, I need some advice. My daughter is 13, in 7th grade. She is a very levelheaded, straight A student, in National Honor Society, etc. Although she has a very active social life, she has always maintained her own identity, and never been one to go with the crowd just because. Although she has had a few "boyfriends" she hasn't ever gone anywhere with any boy. So, she comes home talking about this boy Chris, who asked her to the upcoming dance. Over the past few days things have progressed rather quickly between the two. They spent all weekend IMing each other...she was obsessed (more so than ever) with checking to see if he was online. Now, I sat right behind her (on the couch in the comp/tv room) and was able to read everything that went on. She knows I do this often. He seemed like a really cute kid...just enamored with her, very complimentary, funny, so on. He asked her to the upcoming fair also. Then, he sais that he is failing 7th grade because he is dumb. He also sais that he will be 14 in July (so he may have already failed a grade)- I was stunned. First off, that he outright called himself dumb, and second, that he is failing (don't know if it's true or not). Then, my daughter does have a myspace (which I read each and every day....it's usually very entertaining, to say the least)...and this boy's 20 year old brother writes on my daughter's space asking if she is going to the dance with Chris. This morning I had a chance to look over his myspace (the 20 yr.old) and was stunned by alot of what I read about him and his girlfriend and other friends. Apparently, the father committed suicide 3 years ago, and according to this man, "he hasn't been the same since" and he just "waits, minute by minute, til he dies". So, I immediatly wrote to him letting him know that in no way, shape or form will he ever contact my daughter again, or I will contact the police. So, aside from these things, the kid (Chris) is a nice kid. At 13, is it harmless to let her be so infatuated with a boy who, academically, is not as motivated as her? She sais that she will just "make him do better in school" I tried to explain that that is not her place. This is the first time I have ever seen her so infatuated, smiley, blushing. I remember that. I don't want to take that away from her- but Im just not sure this boy is good for her. P.S,- They will NOT ever be going anywhere alone. We don't do that yet, and she has let him know that we will be at the fair also, and that we expect him to be able to carry on a conversation with us. HELP, Stephanie
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: mykidzrallright
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 1:59pm

Sorry, no advice, but I did want to chime in and say 14 in July doesn't necessarily mean failure of a grade. Here in MO the cutoff as of '92 is in August, so that some parents who had short little boys born in the summer held them back. DS13's best buddy turns 15 in June, and another on his baseball team turned 15 last week; they're in 8th (ds is a year ahead).

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: mykidzrallright
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:17pm

Well, a few things first:

1. Teens with learning disabilities will often call themselves "stupid".
2. Bad grades are not contagious
3. That boy is a person, and not his "grade"

The problem I see is that if your dd allows her grades to slip because she loses a little focus while going through her first "love", I see that you're going to blame the entire thing on the boy, and his bad grades. It is possible that you're dd may lose her focus on grades as she goes through the teen years - and not necessarily anyone's fault but her own.

IMO your dd sees something in this boy besides his grades, and that is a good thing. At her age, you should allow minimal boyfriend contact anyway. However, try to see past the bad grades to the heart of the boy.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mykidzrallright
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:20pm

I don't know, but I think you may be jumping the gun here. She is 13 and he is 14 and they are going to a fair and a dance. At no time will she be able to one on one date him and be alone with him, right? I wouldn't worry too much about it at this point.

Kids at his age are generally insecure and have a lot of self doubt. Maybe he DOES have trouble in his classes, but maybe he is working on it. Maybe his father did commit suicide a couple of years ago - that doesn't mean he's a basket case or on his way to a life of manic-depressive behavior. Again, I just don't think you should be overly concerned. Just keep your eyes open like you would if he were the star quarterback with straight A's. Grades and family background are not the defining features that create the persons we become when we're adults and I think that you may be judging this young boy a little harshly. As for the older brother, a simple request to please stay off her MySpace would have been enough; I don't necessarily think threatening him with a call to the police was needed.

Just remember, they are kids - it's HIGHLY unlikely that he's 'the one', so just keep talking with your dd so she knows the rules and understands your value system and it will probably all be okay. Kids do listen and when all the dust settles, they usually do adhere to some form of thier parent's moral and ethical value system. I'm sure your dd is just enjoying a young girl wicked crush.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: mykidzrallright
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 5:54pm

What the rest of them said.