advice on dealing with school issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
advice on dealing with school issues?
9
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:41pm
I'm frustrated with my 15 year old right now and not too sure what the best discipline is. I'm a substitute teacher in the high school he attends, and yesterday I had lovely conversations with 3 out of 4 of his teachers. He's been just "off the wall" rude and verbally defiant. One example - wouldn't take his hat off at a teacher's request, so the teacher confiscated it - so my darling boy yelled in his face and made a grab into the desk drawer to snatch the hat back, consequently getting his fingers shut in the drawer. During my talk with him about that event, I could NOT get him to take ANY responsibility - it was all "Mr. D. was completely unfair. He had NO RIGHT to take my hat. It's stealing. And then he SLAMMED my hand in the drawer on purpose!". oy. 2 of his teachers even told me that they WOULD have suspended him yesterday....except for who I am. (Nice of them to extend me that courtesy, but I'm inclined to think they SHOULD have done so). And then this morning he was late for school. I HAVE been waking him up every morning, and usually have to run downstairs and call him about 20 times. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I basically said "Get yourself up, ready and to school or suffer the consequences.". Sounds logical, except there won't be any consequences at school that he'll care about, so tonight I think I need to remind him that the consequence for missing school is loss of tv and Playstation for the evening. So how do you back up your kids teachers, when your kid is in the wrong? And probably MORE importantly... how do you "teach" a child to take ownership of a situation and accept responsibilty for his actions, instead of always just playing the victim?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:02pm

I would expect consequences at school for the infractions you mentioned and I would expect them to increase with repeat offenses

I think teachers often have to take a stand if they want their kids disciplined at school. The tendency seems to be for co-workers to feel they need to talk to you BEFORE imposing consequences

I would make it clear he was to be treated at lease as strongly as another teen and perhaps even stronger at this point

And then, Id stay out of it for awhile myself. Before going to back up punishment at home, Id give the at school stuff-when consistent-a chance to work

My son lost his hat at school too BTW but no snatching grab was made-your ds probably has a comfort level with teachers that mine doesnt, KWIM? Not bad or good-just is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 1:16pm
You make some excellent points - especially about the teachers extending him leniency. There are a couple of other factors that I should mention too, though - I'm not sure it is entirely his own "comfort level" with the teachers, though - he has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, so this is a very typical pattern of behaviour for him. Also, the teachers seem reluctant to discipline because they feel so sorry for this kid- he has a past checked with loss and abuse. HOWEVER - he's been mine for nearly a year now, and I'm beginning to realize that we've all been cutting him slack because of "issues" for way too long! He's also been pulling similar stuff at home...every time one of my girls (ages 8 and 13) says something he doesn't like, he turns around and goes "No one's talking to YOU!!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 8:48am
I noticed that your profile says that you have DH and 2 daughters. Could you tell us how DS came to live with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 3:44pm
oh, sorry - I forgot all about those profiles and haven't updated mine FOREVER :-) How old does it say my girls are? They are now 13 and 8. I'm a high school teacher, and last year I was teaching grade 9. One of the boys in my class came into foster care, and I applied to take him, believing it was going to be temporary. We got him in January. In August parental rights were terminated, so he's now ours :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 11:27pm

I'm not surprised that everyone has been cutting A some slack because of his "issues" - we did the same thing, and after almost a year we decided it was time to stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:36am
Thanks Rose - you always know EXACTLY what I'm experiencing, LOL. It has been nearly a year for us too, and we ARE beginning to feel taken advantage of. These kids definitely are wired to be in "survival" mode, and after that many years the manipulation can be a pretty hard habit to break. Just this morning, he did NOT get himself up for school, and when my husband discovered this past 9:00, A. claimed he'd been up all night with "stomache cramps" (he has a lot of vague physical complaints - all psychosomatic stuff). Never mind that I'm pretty sure I heard his TV on past 1:00 am when I got up to go to the bathroom! Anyway, I've made the determination that I'm going to try to start parenting him more like a "normal" kid, which is why I'm asking for more advice here, and less on my "foster parenting" board. But I'll tell you, Rose - for the first time in a year, these past few weeks I'm just not liking him much a lot of the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:20pm

No specific advice for you in this situation but when I read "...how do you "teach" a child to take ownership of a situation and accept responsibilty for his actions, instead of always just playing the victim?" the first thing that came into my head was that I know plenty of full-grown ADULTS who have trouble not playing victim! World is full of victims!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 5:07pm
That's a good point! Why is it? How have we created such a society of victims, excuses, and justifications for poor behaviour? I think part of the problem is seeing the difference between a "reason" and an "excuse". If you've had a cruddy life, that might be a "reason" for poor behaviour - but if we just excuse it there is no motivation to change ... and the cycle goes on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 7:56am

<<If you've had a cruddy life, that might be a "reason" for poor behaviour - but if we just excuse it there is no motivation to change ... and the cycle goes on. >>


I think you've hit the nail on the head here.