Advice on getting a teen to counselling?

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Advice on getting a teen to counselling?
4
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:00pm
I'm doing a very delicate dance here to try to convince my 15 year old foster son to go to counselling. I know some of you have teens in counselling, and others have had foster kids etc., so I'm hoping you might be able to help me find the best words and most convincing arguments. I'm going to give you some background so you better understand our issues. A. comes from a history of emotional abuse, neglect, and rejection (also some physical abuse, but not for many years). His mom died in a car accident (drunk driving) when he was six. He's lived most of the last 8 years with his uncle, and two different common-law-wives of the uncles. He's lost a couple of cousins that he considered siblings when the first relationship broke up, and he also spent a year in a group home when he was 9/10. Now Child Welfare is seeking to terminate "parental" rights. That would represent another huge loss to him...he WANTS to go home. Loves his "dad", ambivalent about the "mom" - devastated at the thought of losing contact with the two little children from THAT relationship (ages 4 adn 2- they'll likely be put up for adoption separate of A.) They're fighting the termination order and the trial is at the end of June WHEW!! Like that isn't enough to justify a need for counselling, he also has ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), generalized anxiety disorder, and some degree of depression (can't imagine why!) and is mercilessly bullied by his peers. Okay, now "our" issues. Lately he's been having more and more emotional HUGE outbursts. These start with angry screaming (you wouldn't believe the pure "rage" on his face) followed by an abrupt change to wild sobbing/crying. One day last week, he was slapping the wall in the hallway for emphasis, and did it so hard he went right through the drywall. Obviously scared the crap out of himself. In a weird sense, I think these expressions of emotion may be a GOOD thing, since he’s starting to bring the feelings closer to the surface instead of repressing them. I figure he must be feeling safe and secure with us to take the risk of letting these emotions out. But they’re a little scary! Once they erupt he doesn't have a lot of control over them. After one, he always needs lots of hugs and “I love yous” – he can be pretty clingy. Of GREATEST concern to me is that he had one of those in class yesterday (I’m also his Social Studies teacher), and then I saw afterwards that he was using a pen to etch a very deep line into the back of his hand. Although this is the first time he’s done THAT I fear it could escalate into full fledged “cutting”!! Okay – now that I’ve painted a portrait that sounds completely pathological and doesn’t do justice to the sweet, loving, warm hearted and “good” kid that he is, you can probably clearly see that he would benefit from counseling. However, HE is adamantly opposed! He thinks it is pointless, and (here’s a sad one) that it is only for crazies and people who are “screwed up” and he obviously doesn’t need it since there is “nothing wrong with him”. oooh boy. HELP ME convince him without freaking him out! How can I convey the BENEFITS to him? I honestly don’t know much about counseling, having never been through it myself. One friend suggested that I issue an ultimatum…”If you want to stay here, you need to go to counseling.” I just have a really strong feeling that would NOT be a good idea….although my husband pretty much said that he feels that way. We’ve got him until the trial in any case, but my DH says he’s no longer sure he wants to commit to permanent guardianship if A. won’t commit to counseling. I DON’T want to create a power struggle, and I DON’T want to make him feel insecure and rejected. Sorry this is so long – I REALLY love this kid and wanted to make sure you have a good picture of our situation.


Edited 4/11/2006 5:01 pm ET by mom2morgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:07am
I don't doubt that he can be very sweet and sensitive. I've known a few people in my lifetime like him. Sounds like he has been through alot, bless his heart.
Maybe he would be open to family or group therapy to get started, and then feel more comfortable with 1 on 1 later.
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 8:59am

By any chance, is he comfortable with the school counselor? Could you maybe start there in getting the counselor up on the whole story and see if he/she might approach him without you being involved? And then if that goes ok, maybe the counselor can suggest someone to him that he might be willing to talk to (vs. you; you never know, it might be easier if it came from outside the family; he doesn't have to know you 'started it'). Best of luck.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:14am

Oh that poor kid! Does he have a guardian ad-litem? (He would in Ohio - my dd and her bio mom both had GADs) I would start there. The GAD can order counseling and would be most likely to set the wheels in motion for you. If your system doesn't work that way, can you contact the social worker on the case? Again, counseling can be made mandatory as he his a ward of the state (unless you're not in the states?)

Whether you're able to do this or not, he obviously needs someone to talk to. It is very common among adopted children/teens/adults to have a need to work through their emotions and their questions at some time in their lives and it sounds like this kid has had more than his share of disappointments and setbacks. I would choose one of his clingy moments to bring it up and simply explain that you love him enough to have him take this step for his own healing. It's not a matter of something "being wrong" with him, but it's more of a helping hand. Tell him that most of us can't do it alone (work through emotions) and he shouldn't feel he has to.

Bless you for caring so much.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:47am

wow you certainly have your hands full. i did 'force' my son to go to therapy, but i think that my son, at that time, was 'ready'. like your foster son - these kids *know* that something is wrong, and they are 'crying' out for help. i think we just need to find the way to bridge that gap.

maybe you can convince him to go ONCE? has he ever been to therapy, where did he come up with the notion that <<< it is only for crazies and people who are “screwed up” and he obviously doesn’t need it since there is “nothing wrong with him”>>> he must be getting that from someone (his uncle? bio parents?).

can you bribe him? set a time limit on it? tell him that if he goes for X sessions and participates (IOW he can't just sit there like a log) then you will get him....? Is there someone else in his life who he will listen to?

It is beyond "important" for him to go - he desperately needs help.

hugs and good luck