Advice on handling a difficult situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Advice on handling a difficult situation
11
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:25pm

Dd has been very worried about a good friend. The friend, S, is a high achieving student at her school and an all around great kid. About a month ago, she was stressed and cut her wrist a few times. She confided in dd and swore her to secrecy. S had also confided in another girl, an upperclassmen, who convinced her to tell her parents. Dd spent the night there this weekend and became concerned that S was continuing with the cutting. Tuesday, she spoke to the principal at her school who told her the upperclassmen had been in the previous day and told her the same thing. The principal called S's parents, the dad said they knew & were handling it. Dd came home and told me. About an hour later, S's dad called me and wanted me to tell dd that he appreciates how much she cares for S.

Later in the evening, dd called S and just said "I want you to know I did what I did because I was worried and I love you." S hung up on her. She also put up an away message that said "If you think I'll ever forgive you, you're wrong."

I realize S just might need some time, but I'm not sure how to help my dd deal with the worry she still feels for her friend and the pain she is feeling at the prosepect of losing her as a friend. This girl is very strong willed and it is quite possible that she will not forgive dd. S does not know that the other girl also went to see the principal and I asked her dad to please tell her that so she could see that it wasn't just dd - and that other friends were also concerned enough to take action. He said she wants to move forward and he did not want to bring it up again just yet. I do understand and, believe me, my concern for HIS daughter's well-being comes first. Still, I want to help dd cope and I don't want her to be afraid to come forward in the future.

Any words of wisdom?

jt

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:13pm
What a sad situation. Hopefully, the dad will tell his daughter about the other friend. Hopefully, S will figure it out with some counseling and be able to emotionally grow enough to know that your daughter did the right thing.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:51pm

Wow - your DD is so brave - and what a wonderful friend. I'm sure it hurts like H*LL right now, but she knows and you know that she did the right thing. MY DD14 faced a similar issue with a friend last year, and *didn't* go to the principal or anyone other than me. So far the friend seems to have stopped cutting, but it's scary to think she might start again.

I don't know if there's any way to help your DD other than just listening and being there for her. Are there other friends that she can talk to?

As adults, we know that many of our HS friendships didn't survive into adulthood (for a variety of reasons). And this may be the end of this particular friendship for your DD. If she's anything like my DD, she doesn't want to hear that at all! But it gives me hope that she'll eventually move beyond the hurt.

(((((HUGS)))))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 7:41pm
No words of wisdom but your dd did the right thing.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:13am

These situations are so tough and you and I and your DD know that she definitely did the right thing for her friend. Maybe if your DD talked with the upperclassman she could get a sense of peace about this. She may never truly regain this girl's friendship and it would definitely be the other girl's loss. She obviously needs friends that are willing to go the extra mile for her but she is not well and can't see that right now. I would also suggest that maybe DD send her a few cards in the mail - just light hearted cards to let her know she's thinking about her. However, you might want to check with the friend's dad first to see what he thinks.

I know you are truly proud of your DD for taking such good care of her friend and for realizing that this is a problem that she alone could not fix and having the courage to reach out for help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:01am

Thanks, everyone, for your insights and affirmations. I talked to the dad again and my dd again and there's a new wrinkle that makes this a bit more complicated. It turns out that J (the upperclassman) did not talk to the principal on her own. When dd started telling the principal she said "Yes, I've heard about this" and dd jumped to the conclusion that J spoke to her. Big, big difference. Dd then mentioned her by name (thinking she already had spoken to her) and the principal called her down later. Dd did not realize her blunder at the time, only the next day when she actually spoke to J alone. She learned a major lesson here.

S's parents truly believe this is a one time thing and it's over. I pray they are right.

To make things a tad more complicated, at the beginning of the school year S asked my dd to attend her a program with her at her church. She does not know anyone in her congregation and these programs (Life Teen for you Catholics out there) are necessary for her making her confirmation. Dd is not eligible for confirmation in our parish until she is a sophmore. She went with her and then the mom asked me if dd would be willing to go through the process with her - attending Sunday evening Masses, programs and a retreat. She would then spend the night on Sundays and they would take both girls to school the next day. I asked dd - stressing that this was a HUGE commitment, she would miss attending Life Teen in her own parish (where she does know people) AND this would count for nothing toward her own confirmation. Still, she wanted to do it and has been enjoying it until now.

We just sent a $60 dollar check for an upcoming retreat (three weeks away) and the girls were planning to attend LT not this weekend, but the next. Dd is willing to go through with this if S is able to come around a little. I am fairly apprehensive. S's mom is away on business right now and, since we have a little time, I'm just going to wait it out.

I truly appreciate all the kind comments about dd. She wishes she'd tried talking to S just one more time, and I hope she will think a little more before jumping to conclusions (about J).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:23pm

Please tell your dd that she is far more courageous than most people - even a 40-year-old "adult" (I use the term loosely), my dd's best friend's mother, who caught dd cutting and at my dd's request, agreed NOT to tell ME! The only reason I found out is through snooping and then confronting the mother, and later my dd. I think she was afraid that my dd would be "mad" at her for telling me. As you can see, there is no magical age at which one becomes an adult. :(

There is not always a reward for doing the right thing, sad to say. I think your dd deserves alot of praise for doing the right thing. And one day I'm sure her friend will realize who her "true" friends were/are and thank her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:27pm

I am so sorry you had to deal with that. It's bad enough that we have to have eyes in the backs of our heads and esp to deal with our teens, the adults need to stick together!

About doing the right thing.... one of my favorite phrases (often applied to my life) is "Let no good deed go unpunished."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 5:17am

I think that your dd did the right thing - even with the J incident - she shows a maturity beyond her age - in fact, i don't know alot of adults who would've had the guts to do what she did.


its tuff for teens because they always want to *fit in*, and not be different.


hugs to your dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 6:10pm

My first response after reading the original post was to Wait a few years after a few happy times, graduations, marriages, children and then say to this girl, "If I hadnt' told that day, none of those happy times might have happened."

I am proud of your DD that she spoke up. She thought the love for her friend was worth the possible outcome.
Teens are headstrong and swear never to forgive. Teens also grow up and see the error of thier ways, most times.

Give it time, pray for her heart to soften and heal and everything will work out the way God wants it too.

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 9:39am

Your DD did an incredibly brave and mature thing.

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