Advice- Parents disagree on Teen Sex..
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Advice- Parents disagree on Teen Sex..
| Mon, 08-13-2007 - 3:01pm |
My husband & I don't ride the same track when it comes to our 2 teens. My daughter has a boy friend for over 18 months. She is a virgin & wants to keep it that way. (& so does her boyfriend). I know my daughter, because we talk. My husband bases his facts on her other sexual active girlfriends & compares it to her. I totally disagree! We had a party yesterday for her friends going off to college. He slept over on the pull out couch in our family room & she slept in her bedroom. Nothing went on & nothing will go on...how do I get my husband to understand there's nothing going on? It's really putting a strain on our relationship. Please give me your thoughts!

I'm not sure I understand your question.
If your husband allowed your DD's to spend the night, what's the problem? Did he accuse dd or her bf the next morning of having sex? Does he accuse her often? Does he put unreasonable restrictions on her because of his belief that she's going to behave the way her friends behave? And how old is your daughter?
I guess what I'm trying to find out is why this is putting a strain on your relationship. If you believe your daughter, and he doesn't, isn't that between him and your daughter? If you guys are arguing because you want him to believe she's not having sex, and he wants you to believe she is, I don't think that's going to happen.
You disagree...if it's not affecting your daughter's privileges, agree to disagree and move on.
Let me come at this from another angle. Before dh and I got married we lived together for 3 years and guess what....when we got married I was still a virgin. Yes, believe it or not I was, just because someone is a virgin doesn't mean there is no sexual activity going on. Maybe not intercourse, but there are lots of other things a couple can be doing. My mom and dad, I think just tried to ignore the fact that we were living together and didn't mention it to friends and family who didn't know. A few yrs. after we were married I told my mom that I was a virgin when I got married and she still heaved a sigh of relief. On the other hand, my MIL said something to me one time about my SIL and that she "never did that" before she was married, she didn't mean to be putting me down, but the unspoken thing was that her dd was a virgin and I wasn't. Well little did she know that sweet SIL had had a few guys and obviously only one of them was her dh. I never told MIL what I knew. I figured that if she wanted to think SIL was an angel and I wasn't I didn't care. We got along great and I loved her like crazy. Till the day she died she believed these two misconceptions.
So you see it doesn't really make a difference, people are going to believe what they want. It doesn't change who the person is or what they will do with their life. They know what they do and don't do and that is the important thing, that they are happy with themselves.
Don't worry about your dd, she will be fine, even if Dad thinks she is doing something she isn't.
Kristie
I hope this doesn't sound harsh or anything. I don't mean it that way. I just think you shouldn't worry about what he is thinking.
How old are the teens in question?
If I did not want my teen dd to engage in sexual activity, one of the strategies I would choose would be NOT allowing sleepovers unless dd was in bed with me and I was a light sleeper.
Sorry-I suspect that means I side with DH
I agree, except if the H is berating and constantly accusing the dd of being sexually active. That can be a very damaging environment to live in if the girl's father is always suspicious and vocal about those suspicions.
Personally, if it were me and my house, I would not allow the BF to sleep over if it would assuage my H's fears or suspicions. I mean, why did the bf have to stay over at all? If they were having a college going away party, I'm assuming that most if not all the kids drive and the bf easily could have gotten a ride or driven himself home. He could have come back for breakfast.
I really think some compromises are in order. You each have a right to believe what you like about your dd's sexual activity (or lack thereof) but it should not be causing an actual rift in YOUR relationship - sounds like you both could use a little reality check and a bit of counseling perhaps to get over this issue. This is not a "I'm right, You're wrong" situation. It's between your dd and her Bf and outside of some general house rules (such as no sleeping together under your roof), it's a dead issue. However, if your h is constantly accusing dd, then he REALLY needs to stop that.
Best of luck~
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My thoughts exactly.