advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
advice please
4
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:41pm

I need some advice. Alot of you know the concerns I have with daughter's boyfriend. One problem I am having with my daughter is she is upset that her dad and I won't let her go to his workplace and sit for a couple of hours while he is working. The thing is she sees him every night he's not working so I don't think it is necessary for her to sit at his place of work where he is SUPPOSED to be working for two hours so he come out and talk to her for a couple of minutes evey now and then. They are together all the other time. I cna't get her to do anything with friends.

I have let her stop in on her way home from piano lessons to say hello. But I don't even think that is necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:17pm
I just saw your brag on your dd, I don't understand what you need advise on. She sounds like a greal girl. The one advise I would give you is to have lots of discussions with her about sex and protecting herself - because no matter what you believe she looks like she's headed that way, good girl or not. Sounds like an "attached at the hip" relationship, you probably can't do much about that. Your idea of restricting her time around him when is working makes a lot of sense, just don't expect it to make sense to her!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
In reply to: ks13mom
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:48pm

I *totally* agree with you on this one. If she thinks it's okay to hang out at his work now, will she think it's okay for him or her friends to hang out at her job later? This is more about a positive work ethic than them spending time together. Same reasons she shouldn't call and expect to talk to him while he's at work. His job is not to make time to talk to her, it's to do whatever it is he's being paid to do. How would she feel if he was reprimanded/docked/fired for her distraction?

I also agree with the other poster that it won't make sense to her, but it's still important that you set limits now so she can appreciate you later :-)

Hug,
Dani

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 5:05pm
Yup, I agree too. Explain the importance of an employee giving their full attention to their job when at work. As I have said before, your situation is very similar to mine and I know my dd wouldn't like the decision and say "it's dumb" but sometimes you just have to let them say that and not let it bother you. Let her get the last word in if necessary, but the decision to not let her hang out at work still stands. As for stopping after her piano lesson.... maybe. It depends on what his job is. Is he waiting on customers or in a back room somewhere? If he is out in a public place, it seems like that would be a decent compromise for her to stop and say hi, but only for 5 minutes or so. I know what you are going through. My dd has finally decided to do things with friends after she decided bf wasn't treating her well... but it just seems there is nothing you can do to convince the child until they decide for themselves. It has been a year for us now. As it is with our dd now, she still goes back and visits the ex-bf and is trying to decide if she should go back with him. She thinks he will change and she can help him. I figure, if I don't say much she will figure out for herself that he is still going to treat her badly. Whatever. Best wishes to you.
Debbie
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: ks13mom
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:44pm

I guess I am the odd one out here but I don't think that you ought to forbid her from hanging out at his work. I agree with you that it sounds like a waste of her time to sit there for hours waiting until he gets a short break but it is her time that she is wasting. Maybe if she can do it as much as she likes she will decide that it is boring and get tired of waiting around for his breaks?

You've already told us that the bf tries to "work the system" whenever possible so he's formed his work ethic. Your dd sounds very intelligent, if she doesn't understand about good work ethic you can explain it to her but forbidding her to visit the bf won't really illustrate your point.

IMO it is the supervisor's job to decide if the bf is working as he should, whether he can have friends hanging out there, etc. If bf gets in trouble for your dd being there then she and bf will learn the lesson then.

If you start seeing other problems develop, such as your dd's grades start dropping because she is always at his work instead of studying, then you have a good reason to make her stay home. But if she is doing her homework during the wait or some other time, then there shouldn't be a problem. If she is sitting in a dark parking lot there may be a safety issue that you can cite.

I understand that you don't like the way that your dd seems "joined at the hip" with this bf, but forbidding this doesn't sound like the way to change that IMO. Your dd will be graduating from HS in about 2 months and starting college in about 5 months, right? Since she is a good student, well rounded with her extracurricular activities, doesn't sound like she abuses drugs or alcohol, basically a really good kid!--I think that you ought to let her make the choice on things like this.