Advice please - Possible Depression?

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Registered: 12-21-2005
Advice please - Possible Depression?
14
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:39am

Hello everyone. I am hoping that someone will be able to give some advice on what to do with my daughter. I am at a loss. Instead of retyping, I have pasted a copy of the email that I just sent to a counsellor that I know. The info you will need to understand the email is: My daughter's name is Jessica, She is 17, She moved out of my house and in with her father for a year and just returned to me in November of 2006, My son's name is Adam.

Hi Tim,

Over the months that Jessica has been back here with me her behavior has been deteriorating rapidly. I am not sure if it is depression or something else. The last time that I spoke to you I had told you that Jessica was going to go back to school. Well, that lasted a few weeks and she quit. I took her to my family doctor at that time because I was trying to get her back in to school and the school would not let her without a note from the doctor. He supplied the note and asked her what she was doing that she wasn't attending classes. He assumed that she was off with friends when in reality she was simply not able to get out of bed. I thought at first it was just laziness but over time I have seen many other signs that concern me. For instance she constantly lies when there is no reason to. She makes up stories about insignificant things that everyone knows are not true and then she is brutally honest about things which most teenagers would not dream of telling their parents etc. For months she did not leave the house and didn't do anything while she was here. Several times I came home to find her passed out drunk. I hid the alcohol but she seemed to find it. I removed it from the house and she was getting it from somewhere I am unsure of. She started to go out again occasionally. She was doing a bit around the house but still couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes it seemed as though she had just gotten up just before I arrived home from work. She ended up pregnant and had a D&C in May. The boy she was seeing broke up with her over this. She had a very hard time with this and went back to going nowhere and doing nothing. That lasted until about June. She began going out a lot. I kept trying to discuss her future with her such as going back to school etc. She wouldn't have any part of it. I have been becoming increasingly concerned over the last few months. She talks as though she doesn't care whether she lives or dies. She says she doesn't care about anything.

She asked if she could go to North Bay with a friend (Devin) who was going to be starting school there. He was a boy she had met and was friends with. She claimed she did not like him as a boyfriend and they were just friends. She wanted to go for 10 days. After discussing it with friends and family members I finally decided to let her go. I told her that she needed to call me every day by a certain time and she did this. She even came home a day early. This was last Saturday. On Monday she asked me if she could go again that night with Devin's best friend Nick. They "needed" to go as Devin was having some sort of break down. She wanted to take my car (I have two). I said no, absolutely not. This turned into a screaming match. Tuesday I went to work and she called and asked again. I said no. She was baby-sitting my niece and Adam was here. I called home later to find out she had just left and went anyway. She walked out on her baby-sitting. I was furious as was my sister. When I got home I found a note saying that she was sorry but this was important and she would call that night. She didn't. She came home at 1:30 am Thursday morning. She woke the entire house when she came in, slamming doors and stomping around. Yesterday morning I woke her up before I went to work to inform her of her punishment. She did not take it well and began to pack her stuff. She got picked up by Nick. She called me at work at 2:30 crying yesterday saying she was coming home and she knew that the punishment still stood. I agreed. When I got home I found Adam outside. He didn't want me to come in. He said I was going to flip. She had drank at least 1/2 of a 40 of Crown Royal straight and was passed out. She kicked holes in the walls of the house all over and had tried to kick through the patio door. My 7 year old niece was here being baby-sat by my son during all of this. I considered calling and having her taken to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do.

These are not all of the details as you can well imagine but it is a summary of the major points. I am hoping that someone will be able to tell me what I should do as I am certain she needs serious help immediately and I think that there is something very, very wrong.

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Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 12:10pm
Oh carrieleroux, my heart goes out to you. I am glad you have written to this counsellor and I am hopeing that by now you already have some kind of response from him. Your dd does really need some kind of help. I don't know what is going on there with her, but get her some help asap, before she does something that will hurt her or someone else.
And if there is somewhere else your little niece can be baby sat, that might be a good idea too. This little one should not have to witness that kind of behavior.
Let us know how things are going.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 12:39pm

Thanks for your response Kristie,

I totally agree about my niece going somewhere else. It is so disturbing that she was present for this. I have not heard back from the counsellor yet but am really hoping he can tell me what to do. I know she needs help and I think it should be immediate. My problem is that I have looked and can't seem to find any immediate resources for this in my area. The best I have been able to do is make an appointment with my family doctor on September 14th. He is on holidays until that week. Apparently from everyone I have spoken to this has to be the first step unless I call 911 and have her taken to the hospital, which I am not sure whether that is appropriate at this time. I honestly don't have a clue what to do. I don't know how to decide if it's serious enough for that or if I am overreacting.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 2:55pm

Addiction or depression both need treatment now.

Can I ask you a question? Was she extremely bright perhaps gifted in her early schooling? Is there a history of manic depression/bipolar in your family? Let me put it this way - evry kid has a path of their own and they rarely look like a straight line. Happy kids don't drown themselves in bottles of liquor. She is drinking to a point where alcohol poisoning should be a real concern. She is avoiding feeling - now is this a momentary thing - given the time frame I would say no. She needs o be in some sort of program - whether family therapy or addiction treatment that would take a professional who can hold the big picture to determine.

My son has gone through depression and it was tough love and holding tight to limits that saved us. I felt as big as a snow pea, considering I was in the middle of my psychology degree, and missed many signs. She is doing what makes her not feel the pain of 'real' life - it is simply not a healthy way of doing so. For my son, it was a result of educational crap that all came to a head his sophomore year - which IS the hardest year in high school. He was in a computer class which was essentially typing - which he was not allowed to test out of, but other kids were. He passed the class with a 70 (which in our school is passing by a point) and another class woodworking he was completely uncomfortable in and tried to get out of it for an art class but was not allowed to switch. He actually felt physically threatened in the class - because early in another student "came at him" with a lathe knife. He freaked out later at home with me because he could see in hindsight that it perhaps was not an intentional attack but it freaked him. Keep in mind he is 6ft 4 and athletic. Then, he was feeling unsuccessful in Spanish class because the teacher ,he felt, was undermining him. She did 'loose' a number of grades on papers he had graded and filed. Overall, he was not being challenged by thinking as much as paperwork which also caused frustration. BUT - all these things just created a level of stress and anxiety he could not control. He dove into a video gaming addiction - again to avoid - because it made him feel good and successful. I only really recognized it as depression when his friend mentioned how he stopped hanging out, playing sports and he grades dropped. I got him with a counselor who works with highly gifted populations and things got better almost instantly. I think many drop outs and depressed youth are in this catagory because traditional eduction does not allow them to thrive and grow.

Look up teen depression on google and addiction and see what fits but please don't hesitate to get help and talk to counselors to find a good fit.

Good luck
Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 3:47pm

Oh Carrie, I am so sorry. My son went through a bout of depression after his grandfather died. He was 21 at the time and went to our doctor and was put on Zoloft. We didn't even know about it until we got a statement for Blue Cross. The Zoloft really helped. We knew he had been really down but until we asked him about the visit we had no idea how bad he was feeling. I know many people don't believe in teens taking an anti-depressant but for me being a teen was one of the hardest, depressing, destructive times in my life and I wish my parents would have stepped in with some kind of plan.

That being said, I think you have a plan. You have contacted a counselor and most important, you are being there for her. I don't know where you live, but here we have an addiction center for teens. You can call them and they will come to your home and help you get your child into a six week program that will get them sober and help them to find out why they are using drug/alcohol to try and numb whatever pain is they feel. Sometimes we just don't know what our kids have been through and what they will try to do to forget it. If worse comes to worse and you fear for her life then take her to the hospital and demand that they admit her for depression. I don't think they would turn you down for fear of a lawsuit.

Take care of yourself. You have to be there for not only Jessica, but Adam.

Hugs, prayers & positive thoughts,
Jann

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 4:10pm

I'm so very sorry you're going through this, but you're right: your girl is in a world of trouble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 4:05am

It is beyond possibility. I would say from what you described that your dd is at least an alcoholic and probably using whatever she is give to supplement the booze. Also if there was a clear case of depression, you described it.

Since she probably would not agree to go into a rehab, although you could ask her when you are pretty certain that she is not drunk or high, I would think that you would do good to find her a residential facility that bills itself as working with "dual diagnosed teens" If she would cop to needing any sort of treatment, I would drop the subject while I found a rehab and ask them to do an intervention. I would be afraid that if she knew you were going to send her without her consent, she would run away, so this is going to have to be some sort of forced commitment. An easy way would be the next time you have a passed out dd, you call 911 and have her in a locked psyche ward before she wakes and then arrange for a rehab from there.

I am usually the one to argue, out-patient rehab on a voluntary basis. I think she is way beyond anything on an outpatient basis. The combination of depression and that kind of drinking is potentially lethal, as in Janice Joplin.

The bottom line here is I think your daughter's situation is beyond critical!

If you need some assistance finding a rehab, I can assist. I have been doing this kind of stuff since Hitler was a corporal. Well, maybe not that long!

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:02am

Hi Courtney,

I am glad to hear how well your son has done and that you were able to get him the treatment he needed.

My daughter did very well through elementary school and her first year of high school. She didn't ever have to work hard to get very high marks. She began skipping classes in second year but still passed with good grades. Third year was a bit worse but she still made it through. This last year, her very last year it just went seriously downhill. She was kicked out twice and then they wouldn't take her back. I have been trying to get her back in for September and the school has agreed provided she does certain things which she was supposed to do last week and didn't.

I really trust the counsellor that I contacted. I am sure he will be able to tell me exactly what to do. Part of the problem is that I live in a small town in Ontario where the resources are limited so I just don't know where to go at this point.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:09am

Thank you Jann. I really appreciate your thoughts.

You are right I do have a plan and will have a better one as soon as the counsellor gets back to me. I would expect it will be on Monday. I am just so worried right now that it's hard to wait for that, however, I want to be sure to do the right thing and not make matters worse.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:56am

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know that I have been doing some research and have found a Mental Health Centre which has a "dual diognosis" program for 16-18 year olds as was suggested to me, located only 45 minutes from where I live. You do have to have a referral from a family doctor so I am going to attempt to have her appointment changed to something sooner.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to me. I feel much better since reading all of the replies and now knowing that there will be help for my daughter in the near future.

Carrie

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 11:47am
Not sure if she is suffering from addiction or depression but the first thing you need to do is get her to a counselor, do a drug test, and get help.

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