Advice please - Possible Depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Advice please - Possible Depression?
14
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:39am

Hello everyone. I am hoping that someone will be able to give some advice on what to do with my daughter. I am at a loss. Instead of retyping, I have pasted a copy of the email that I just sent to a counsellor that I know. The info you will need to understand the email is: My daughter's name is Jessica, She is 17, She moved out of my house and in with her father for a year and just returned to me in November of 2006, My son's name is Adam.

Hi Tim,

Over the months that Jessica has been back here with me her behavior has been deteriorating rapidly. I am not sure if it is depression or something else. The last time that I spoke to you I had told you that Jessica was going to go back to school. Well, that lasted a few weeks and she quit. I took her to my family doctor at that time because I was trying to get her back in to school and the school would not let her without a note from the doctor. He supplied the note and asked her what she was doing that she wasn't attending classes. He assumed that she was off with friends when in reality she was simply not able to get out of bed. I thought at first it was just laziness but over time I have seen many other signs that concern me. For instance she constantly lies when there is no reason to. She makes up stories about insignificant things that everyone knows are not true and then she is brutally honest about things which most teenagers would not dream of telling their parents etc. For months she did not leave the house and didn't do anything while she was here. Several times I came home to find her passed out drunk. I hid the alcohol but she seemed to find it. I removed it from the house and she was getting it from somewhere I am unsure of. She started to go out again occasionally. She was doing a bit around the house but still couldn't get out of bed. Sometimes it seemed as though she had just gotten up just before I arrived home from work. She ended up pregnant and had a D&C in May. The boy she was seeing broke up with her over this. She had a very hard time with this and went back to going nowhere and doing nothing. That lasted until about June. She began going out a lot. I kept trying to discuss her future with her such as going back to school etc. She wouldn't have any part of it. I have been becoming increasingly concerned over the last few months. She talks as though she doesn't care whether she lives or dies. She says she doesn't care about anything.

She asked if she could go to North Bay with a friend (Devin) who was going to be starting school there. He was a boy she had met and was friends with. She claimed she did not like him as a boyfriend and they were just friends. She wanted to go for 10 days. After discussing it with friends and family members I finally decided to let her go. I told her that she needed to call me every day by a certain time and she did this. She even came home a day early. This was last Saturday. On Monday she asked me if she could go again that night with Devin's best friend Nick. They "needed" to go as Devin was having some sort of break down. She wanted to take my car (I have two). I said no, absolutely not. This turned into a screaming match. Tuesday I went to work and she called and asked again. I said no. She was baby-sitting my niece and Adam was here. I called home later to find out she had just left and went anyway. She walked out on her baby-sitting. I was furious as was my sister. When I got home I found a note saying that she was sorry but this was important and she would call that night. She didn't. She came home at 1:30 am Thursday morning. She woke the entire house when she came in, slamming doors and stomping around. Yesterday morning I woke her up before I went to work to inform her of her punishment. She did not take it well and began to pack her stuff. She got picked up by Nick. She called me at work at 2:30 crying yesterday saying she was coming home and she knew that the punishment still stood. I agreed. When I got home I found Adam outside. He didn't want me to come in. He said I was going to flip. She had drank at least 1/2 of a 40 of Crown Royal straight and was passed out. She kicked holes in the walls of the house all over and had tried to kick through the patio door. My 7 year old niece was here being baby-sat by my son during all of this. I considered calling and having her taken to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do.

These are not all of the details as you can well imagine but it is a summary of the major points. I am hoping that someone will be able to tell me what I should do as I am certain she needs serious help immediately and I think that there is something very, very wrong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:11pm

Exactly what happened with my son - not to get completely psychological mode here but what can happen to gifted kids who really like to have their brain chalenged is it causes realy psycological stress. The best book to understand this is "genius Denied" by the davidsons. What happens, and is one of those things I would like to fix, is schools and counesling practice seperate psychological development and learning. Understanding her brain will you help her beyond the immediate need at hand. It is a very deep issue - please be certain the counselor is aware of this and has some understanding. It goes into fear of failure and success, when kids lead a success only journey and then hit a brick wall of being challenged , by even one course, they have no idea what to do with challenge or failure. Many of these kids define themselves by "being the smart one" and when that identity is challenged they don't know what to do. They have to go out and create a new identity - often they go to what they can trust they will succeed at. Does any of this sound like your dd? I can only speak for myself but understanding the base of what was going on for my son helped me know how to advocate for him best.

Some thoughts would be talk to her about what she would like to study - this will clue you into future focus a little - we hope. Then - can she simply get a GED and move on without having to suffer through high school. I understand the small town limited resource thing but talk to people, ask around, talk to other parents and most of all talk to your dd. Your love and concern expressed in a a calm way could help her set some limits for herself.

Hang in there -
Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:19pm

To clarify - bright kids like to have their brains challenged - it is when their identity and feeling of intelligence is challenged that kids can freak out. To simplify - it is feeling smart and having everything in the past supports that understanding but yet the current grades, teachers and everyone else tells you otherwise.

C

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 4:44pm


Since your post mentions North Bay, I assume you are in the TO area or near to it.
Sick Kids has a clinic for drug abuse & a clinic for teens, at least it says that on their web site. Call them & see what advice they can give you.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you & your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 4:47pm


Carrieleroux,

Call Sick Kids or CHEO, depending which one is closer.

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