After Prom Night Hotel Room??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
After Prom Night Hotel Room??
33
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:46pm
Looking for opinions/experiences from parents with regard to the renting of a hotel room for prom night. I would like to hear from those who said no as we have and how it worked out. I would like to hear from those who said yes and how did that turn out?

Our daughter is 16-she is a junior who has had senioritis this whole year. She barely squeezed through the year and her senioritis in her junior year nearly cost her being a junior again. She is going to the Senior Prom with seven of her friends. They are all 18, two of them have 20 year old boyfriends. They want to rent a hotel room near the beach so they can go to the beach the next day. My husband & I are not totally in agreement which my daughter catches onto very quickly and uses to her advantage! I know consistency and undivided parents is the key. However, I have mixed feelings as I understand her wanting to be with her friends this last time. However, I keep thinking about how many times she has lied to us in the past and how much trouble we have had with her this past year(we have discovered several instances of drinking @ home while we were out, allowing friends to drink here, etc). I can't help but wonder if the plan is much bigger than she says it will be. My husband adamantly opposes the hotel idea. We compromised and told her she can come home at 3:00 a.m. when the Limo is finished. She refuses-wants to stay out at the hotel, questions why, we "are ridiculous", you know the whole teenage gambit of lines. I offered an alternative-go to NYC after the prom, return here with the limo @ 3 a.m., change, go out for breakfast then go to the beach. She said none of them wants to go to anyone's house. My oldest daughter did this-we had 20 kids here, it was fun. This daughter is totally different.

Needless to say, it is causing a raucus nearly every day.It shouldn't and we shouldn't allow it, but it does as she will not accept our answer. Quite frankly, I believe she will go anyway and risk getting grounded again. Presently she is grounded for cutting two periods of school and calling in sick to go into NYC one afternoon. We both think she is lucky to even go to the Prom, considering it isn't even hers! I am not sure if I feel this way because of her past behavior or because I believe letting them go to a hotel is like assisting them to do what they shouldn't do.

What's your opinion of the hotel idea? It just seems kids insist on getting their way and insist on challenging parents' authority - it's their right to do as they please. After speaking to her, I realize we are the only parents who question this activity -are we alone? I would be interested in hearing opinions and experiences.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 12:40am
When my ds went to his senior prom we did not let him get a hotel room. We didn't even let him go to an after-party in a hotel room! I agree with your view that it is assisting them to do things that they shouldn't do. I think that in most cases there IS stuff going on in those rooms that we wouldn't like.

It sounds like you do not trust your dd because of her past behavior. To me that is a good enough reason to tell her no--"we cannot trust you to be where you are supposed to, doing what you are supposed to, and you have a history of lying to us; sorry if it makes you mad but YOU chose to do those things and this is one of the results". You are already compromising by letting her go to the *senior* prom at all, even though she is not a senior, and letting her stay out until 3am. My dd17 sounds like your dd--there is often a lot more to the story or plan than we are being told--like all of the stuff that we wouldn't approve of!

If you think she will defy you and go to the hotel anyway then you can tell her that you will go to the hotel and bring her home (and she will be grounded or whatever consequence you decide), and too bad if she is mortified in front of her friends! Get the hotel info from another parent beforehand, and be prepared to do it. At this stage I think they don't believe that we will really do something like that. (And when you talk to other parents you may find that others aren't comfortable with it either or may not even know about it!)

You said that she wants to be with her friends "this last time"--what about the summer? What about graduation parties, and college going-away parties? I'll bet that there will be many more "discussions" in the next 3 months about things she wants to do that you won't approve of!!

Good luck, let us know what finally happens!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 4:33am
Totally agree with ecl11. She has a history of betraying you. She has not earned your trust, but is probably aware of your indecisiveness on this and is using that to get her way. I would say she is very lucky to be going to prom at all given her past behavior.

And did you not say she is 16 and all these friends are 18 and 20. Obviously some are out of high school. Does she not have any friends her age? I have no doubt there will be things going on at the hotel you do not want to go on.

I know how you feel, I have been there. But let me say this, it is better to have them think they 'hate' you and have your dd safe than to be their 'friend' and allow things to go on that you are not comfortable with and possibly suffer consequences that cannot be undone. Be confident that you are right to say 'no' on this one.

Avatar for cynthiadarlene
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 6:40am
Hi. I totally agree with your husband. I would say NO and stick to it. I know how challenging this issue is. I have a 17 year old son who recently attended his Junior prom (lots of Senior friends) however he wanted me to rent a hotel room for him and his girlfriend. I did NOT and he was mad at me for a few weeks, but he got over it. I told him I did not approve of him having sex before marriage, and I would not be apart of this behavior. (They have dated 17 months now) Use your parents' authority - it's the right thing to do at this point. You are not the only parents who question this activity. I worried about the drinking and other experiences my son would be apart of by attending the prom with older kids but it all turned out well.

I'm sure your daughter will one-day understand.

Best Wishes,

Cyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 8:56am
My 17 dd's senior prom is on 5/30. Her school is having it at the Westin Hotel in downtown Chicago, right off Michigan Avenue. She also has a 21 year old boyfriend, and wants to hang out with her friends and all that afterwards (graduation is 6/14) but she knows better than to even ask about renting a room, LOL! Plan is that after prom, they will have a carriage ride in the Loop, then go to breakfast and come home. If they want to go to the beach or mini-golfing or something like that later too, they can, but she has to come and check in at home first!

My 19 dd graduated last spring, and she attended both her senior prom last year and her boyfriend's senior prom the year prior. They went on a Lake Michigan boat tour after his prom. But again, the question about renting a hotel room didn't even enter into the equation, because they knew both his mom and her dad and I would put the kibosh on that idea real fast!

Particularly given your dd's history of unreliability (the underage drinking in the home and all) I would dig in my heels and not give in to any teenage "lines" or sulks and say, "No."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 9:12am
I wouldn't take her word for what the other parents are letting their kids do or if they have any misgivings about this arrangement. I would call the other parents and find out right from the horse's mouth. You might be surprised by what the other parents' feelings really are. Maybe their kids told them no one else objected. I know when I talk directly to parents, I hear totally different versions of what the kids say is the truth. This just happened to me again a couple of weeks ago with the mom of one of my ds's friends. Her dd told her none of the other kids have a curfew! NOT!! In fact, my ds has an earlier one than most of the other kids. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 9:37am
My oldest is a 15yo sophomore ds so we haven't done the prom thing yet. But, no, neither him or his brother will be renting hotel rooms after prom. I think you are being more than generous by letting her stay out til 3am and suggesting she have kids over to your house! Doesn't your town have a curfew? If I felt my child would disobey and rent a hotel room anywah he/she would not be going to prom but be spending the evening with us! Of course kids are trying to spread their wings and challenge parents' authority. I suspect you aren't the only parents that wouldn't let their kids get hotel rooms after prom although I'm sure your dd would have you believe that!

Pam



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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 12:09pm
My dds went to 3 proms in downtown Chicago, and NEVER stayed in a a hotel room. One DID say, in passing, "What about letting us stay downtown in a room?" And I said, "Oh sure--right after I give you the keys to Daddy's new Corvette. NOT!" But the point is, she never EXPECTED us to say yes. And as for "it is causing a raucus nearly every day", well, my kids learned in GRAMMAR school that the fastest way to an early death would be to continually whine & nag & say Why Not. They knew if they carried on, we would NEVER change our minds, just on principle.

And I don't understand why you simply expect that she would BLATANTLY disobey you!! *I* work on the assumption that my children WILL obey me. They would never flaunt disobedience in our faces, and if they snuck & did something, they knew the whole world would fall on their heads if they were caught. Of course, if my kids were getting poor grades, cutting class, & drinking, they would NOT be going to the prom(or ANYWHERE ELSE) in the first place. The reason your dd "...insist(s) on getting (her) way and insist(s) on challenging parents' authority..." is because she knows IT WORKS!!! If you had put your foot down with her in the first place, if she knew from the getgo that NO MEANS NO, you would not be having these problems now. My children, and the vast majority of their friends, do NOT operate the way your dd does--altho I know kids who do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:38pm
Thank you for your support-you know we have four daughters and she is the one who challenges us constantly. I am taking your advice wholeheartedly. I was planning on calling the other parents and I asked for the hotel name & number anyway. I just wanted to hear from some other mom's-sometimes these kids make you feel that you are the only strict parent on the planet (or perhaps just LI). I will let you know how it goes. We are having a final sitdown with her tonight and we are refusing to even discuss it again. I know the consistency thing is important. Thanks again. I post again after the 26th of June!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:47pm
Thanks for your support. This is my first post ever on this site. I didn't expect such a response. This is better than the Family Therapist we paid last year!!

I needed to hear from other Mom's. I was beginning to doubt myself. Many of my friends and co workers tell me how strict I am-I make them call me when they get home, let me know their plans, do chores and it isn't because I work, it's because they have to grow up to be responsible adults and the family should come first. When they go out,I ask the questions, I know who their friends are, I try to meet the parents; but this child loves the challenge and tends to be self pitying and selfish. I have three other daughters and they don't give me this grief. The up side is, most people who had teens like her get terrfic daughters in the end. I can only hope!

I really appreciate your support. It means alot. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:53pm
Thank you Cyn,

You are 100% correct-I am using my parental authority. I don't know why I doubted it. I often wonder if it is a LI thing-so many of the kids here have so few boundaries. My husband & I look at each other and say, "Is it us?".

Thanks again-we are sticking to our decision and we will re-iterate it tonight, for the final time and outline the consequences if she disobeys us. I let you know the outcome!

Thanks,

Angie

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