Alcohol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Alcohol
4
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 6:24pm
HI, My DD has an acquaitance that she was good friends with back about 3-4 years ago. This girl had LOTS of freedom...I mean LOTS...and I was never comfortable with that. I was very glad when my DD realized that she didn't have the same goals, lifestyle, whatever as J did. But for some reason, she bookmarked J's online journal and has never deleted it. Since they have mutual friends, some of whom DD hangs out with occasionally, I have found it interesting to read this girl's journal from time to time. Since DD is no longer friends with this girl, I don't feel like I'm snooping through my DD's information, but it has been somewhat helpful in getting a feel for what some of the other girls she knows, do. J, as I said, has LOTS of freedom, so I knew to expect a lot of things that I wouldn't want my DD doing. But some of the girls that J hangs with have hung out with my DD before. Today I read about all the parties that have been going on recently, and how much drinking takes place at these parties. All these girls are 18 so they are underage, but no longer in high school. NOT that that makes it ok, but at least they aren't 15. Anyway, I guess it kind of surprised me how much of this goes on. DD never ever alludes to this sort of thing, even though some of her friends have to me, and also some of the other moms have to me. Obviously my DD has been exposed to it, and may very well have taken part in some of it for all I know. I do know that I have never smelled any alcohol on her, have never seen that glazed eye look, or seen any other behavior that seemed 'off'. And believe me, since I did all these things as a kid.....very early on, I know what to look for. But it has begun to occur to me that this may be one of the issues that is separating my DD from some of the girls that she has hung out with up to about six months ago. It may also have something to do with why she doesn't always go to the parties that DD's boyfriend goes to relatively often. I don't feel that I am naive...I drank when I wasn't of age, and I expect she has too, at least on occasion. But I'm beginning to realize how much more prevalent this is than I originally thought. Perhaps that does make me naive. I don't know....what do you think??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: nancyws119
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:42pm
Hi Nancy. I've found that things haven't changed too much since I was a teen. There are parties where I live every weekend that involve drinking. I have 2 teens, 19 and 16. (The oldest is in college). They both tell me what goes on, drugs, drinking. I will wait up for the youngest to come home, give him a hug and kiss and basically smell him! I want to make sure he's not been drinking or smoking. The one thing that has changed is the parties where the parents provide the alcohol and the parents that smoke pot with the kids. I am seeing more and more of it. We have had 4 teens from our community in the last 2 years that died in car accidents where drugs and/or alcohol was involved. I say be aware. Keep your eyes open and keep the lines of communication open also. I've made it easy for my kids to talk to me, and they do. Sometimes they tell me a little too much! If you think your dd might be drinking, ask her. Be direct but non judgemental and listen more than talk. Maybe you can talk about the dangers that come with it and your past experiences (if you're comfortable with that).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
In reply to: nancyws119
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 10:28pm

Hi Kathie,

Actually....I am more prone to thinking my DD isn't doing this stuff, at least not to the degree that some of the others do or have. That probably sounds naive.....but I do the smell test too....never, ever any indication of anything. That of course doesn't make it 100% that she hasn't been drinking, and I know that. But there have been a couple of times when she had an opportunity to go to a party, and didn't. One time she did, but came home unexpectedly....that was the first time I thought there might have been stuff going on that she wasn't comfortable with. It's hard to say...but I'm with you....I'm really sort of amazed at the parents who provide stuff, or at least know about it and don't stop it. Man...what a liability!! We have talked at length about drinking and driving, and that's one thing I feel fairly certain that she hasn't done. She's commented on numerous occasions about how stupid that is. She and I do have a pretty good relationship, and she does tell me quite a bit, but drinking is one area that I think she's afraid to say anything to me. I keep my ears, eyes and nose open at all times. I've picked up things from her boyfriend, and other friends that make me certain that at least some of them (probably many of them) drink at least on occasion. It's tough when your child is going off to college and you KNOW she will have access to alcohol. I guess we have to trust that we've taught them well, and they will make good choices.

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: nancyws119
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:13pm

Maybe you could just tell your DD that if she is at a party where people are doing things that she's uncomfortable w/, you will pick her up w/ no questions and not be mad at her. I have to admit I was surprised when I found out my DD (senior) was drinking last year. I was disappointed because I had told her that if she wanted to try a drink, she could do it at home, and she never did. She said she did it less than other people, so you are right that it goes on a lot.

I think parents who provide alcohol to kids are crazy. Here, they will be arrested, not to mention if someone gets in an accident later on, they could be sued also. The police no longer look the other way, even if the parents say they took everyone's keys. How do they know that the parents of the other kids are ok w/ their kids drinking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
In reply to: nancyws119
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 2:30am
In the Jr. High and High School where my kids go in Texas, they started a program called "Safe Houses" where parents are asked to sign a paper that they will not serve alcohol in their home.(This is voluntary) Those houses then are listed in the school directory, so if a child is going these homes, you have a pretty good idea there will be no alcohol served. If my kids are going out to a friend's house for a party, I always try and talk with the parents and ask directly to make sure that no alcohol will be served. We really don't drink alcohol and my kids' friends ( lucky so far) don't drink it for religious reasons. Good luck with your DD and keep the lines of communication open and talk to her about the consequences and it is OK to be your own person. We had a huge block party one year and several of the adults got really plastered and my kids saw how out of control people can get when under the influence of alcohol. IT was a real eye opener and a lesson I hope they won't forget too easily.