Alcohol-some parents don' t want to know
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:15pm |
Warning...this is long.
A while back there was a post asking if we parents should tell other parents when we hear of kids drinking. After DS17 was suspended in Oct, I feel very strongly that we should keep each other informed. Last night I found out not all parents want that. Here's an email I sent last Nov, after DS's suspension, to a three of his friends' parents:
" After DS's incident I questioned DS, and his 23-yo brother, a lot about drinking. His older brother had drunk in HS but never got caught--said he did it in private, at sleepovers, when they would not be going anywhere. DS admitted that he also drank a couple of times (?) when he'd stayed at friends homes, beginning in summer. They said they never drank and drove, and it was not their friends' homes where they drank, but that they'd sneak out and go to the homes of kids whose parents allowed drinking. (Not sure if that's the whole truth.) Kids rarely stay at our home, and it's probably good cuz I'm such a sound sleeper I'd never hear them if they were to sneak out. Anyhow, we've banned sleepovers for DS, and because I know your sons have sometimes been together at these sleepovers, I wanted to be sure you were aware that there may have been drinking going on. (I've also emailed all the soccer parents to warn about drinking at sleepovers.)
Because DS, until he gets to know someone quite well, is an introvert, we allowed him to go to sleepovers and we were happy that he had friends and was now socializing. (He went through a period in 8th and 9th grade where he sat home a lot, with no good friends, and I worried about him then, too.) He is not a talker, and holds everything inside, and therefore does not easily make friends. So I was glad he had your sons as friends, and I hope they can remain friends. While I think DS, and hopefully your guys, too, have learned something from this, I am not naive enough to say DS will absolutely, never again do something stupid. Let's try to keep one another informed if we ever hear rumors that any one our kids have been doing something that could get him in trouble. We know that we parents, IF WE ARE AWARE OF THE BEHAVIOR, can handle it much better than the zero-tolerance zealots in our schools. If you could pass it on to the parents of your sons' friends, I'd appreciate it."
Prior to emailing the above message last November, I had mentioned drinking at sleepovers to one of the three parents on the phone. At that time she told me that she thought her son wouldn't drink cuz he plays sports (I said, "well so does DS, and I didn't think he'd ever drink either"). She also told me about an experience with her older son, and how she thought this son knew better. She was not at all upset and it was an amicable conversation. After talking on the phone with her I thought I should inform a couple of other parents, hence the email. I tried to be very careful with my wording so as not to accuse anyone.
Last night the mom I had spoken with on the phone told me, "You know, you really shouldn't go telling parents that their kids are drinking. Some parent might react violently and really hurt their kid." I told her I never said anyone was drinking. She said, "Oh yes you did. You said my son was drinking." My DS will tell me the names of people at a party, but he would never tell the names of anyone who drank. He would never tell on his friends. I would have no way of knowing whether this mom's son actually drank--I only said I know DS and her son have been at sleepovers together. At the end of our conversation she said, "Oh, and by the way, my son and your son are really not that good of friends."
I'm not changing my position that other parents should be kept informed, just warning you that instead of hearing a "thank you", you may be accused of accusing when you are only trying to help by alerting other parents. Sometimes adulthood can be worse than adolescence.

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I'm sorry
I know you were trying to do teh right thing and I think your email was well worded
I dont buy the reacting violently line-sounds designed to scare you
It's a complex issue; I know kids have been drinking for decades but it seems like its getting worse. Or maybe Im getting old
I think it only seems like it's getting worse because it gets so much more attention than it used to. Some of it might be the area that you live in too. I grew up in a community of 1st generation German families. My grandparents as well as those of most of my friends were immigrants, some of our parents were immigrants, and if it wasn't parents or grandparents, it was the great grandparents who were immigrants. German was still widely spoken in the community when I was in elementary and high school. Having beer with dinner was as much a part of our lives as having wine with dinner is for the French. Beer was served at every family gathering and every social gathering, but overindulging was highly frowned on. In spite of (or maybe because of?) our parents' cultural attitudes about beer, there were a LOT of opportunities for teenagers to drink outside of parental supervision, and a lot of kids did it. (In WI it's legal for parents to give their children alcohol at any age, as long as the child stays with the parent.) Everyone pretty mcuh knew it was happening, but nobody really talked about it. Fast forward 30 years, same community, and teen alcohol use is a big issue, police are breaking up parties at least once a month, and where I honestly don't know anyone who was charged with underage drinking when I grew up unless they got a DUI, now anyone at the party is charged if it can be proven that they have had anything to drink.
I don't know how this parallels with other communities, but I think there's just a whole lot more attention paid to it today, and much bigger consequences for everyone involved.
Rose
Lots of Germans drinking beer where I grew up in WI, too. It's definitely more conservative here in W. MI--lots of Dutch Reformed Christians who are ultra-conservative.
As for the problem of teen drinking getting worse, it seems to me, too, that it is. I saw this when reading BBC news online and I think we in the U.S. need consider it, also.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6390663.stm
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I'm not suprised that some parents didn't take the issue as seriously as you do. If we all had the same attitudes towards these things there really would be no debate at all on anything related to our teens. You feel strongly on teen drinking and I share that concern. However I am surprised that it surpised you. Did you honestly believe you and these other parents would agree on everything?
I live in a higly diverse community with so many different cultural backgrounds, faiths, races etc and I am never surprised by the fact that other parents don't feel the same way I do. I learned long ago to take care of my own, ensure she is equipped to handle herself and stay out of other family relationships. I cannot dictate how other people raise their kids and I don't want them telling me how to raise mine. I've been challenged before by other parents on stances I take and it makes me very uncomfortable.
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I was not dictating anything to OPs, but simply informing OPs that drinking MAY have happened when OPs' kids attended same sleepovers as mine. They can ignore that info, or do something--I don't really care. I did not ask for any response. The one mom reacted by saying I accused her son of drinking, which I did not. And her pointing out that our sons were never that good of friends anyway is true--I knew that. But why would she have to make a comment like that?
The other two parents, whose sons are best friends, did not reply and DS17 still hangs out with them as part of a larger group of friends. One of them still has sleepovers which I do not let DS attend. He also just called DS last night to see if he could go to a concert in July in Tennessee with him and a couple other guys. Since DS will still be 17, in my mind that was an easy, definite no, although I didn't respond to DS with a blunt, "no".
And yes, it does surprise me that some parents do not take illegal behavior seriously.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
What is the most surprising to me is that some parents will allow drinking at parties at their home, not just for their kids, but for other kids, which is def. illegal and will subject them to prosecution. Sometimes their excuse is that they will take the kids' car keys so at least they won't drive, but I don't think that's enough. I would let my own child try a drink at home if she wanted to, but I certainly wouldn't give permission to anyone else's child w/o knowing how their parents felt about it.
I'm from an Italian family and we always had wine w/ dinner. Back when I was a teenager, the drinking age was 18, but we would go out to dinner and my dad would order me a drink when I was younger than that. I think he just liked having people to drink w/ him, but that's another story. I never felt that attracted to drinking. I remember going on a school trip to Italy when I was a junior. Some kids who had never been allowed to try alcohol just went wild. I probably had wine, but I didn't really care. Even in college, when they had keg parties, I just didn't like the taste of beer, so I would drink soda.
As far as the excuse "my son does sports", well my DD has informed me that most of the kids in her group of friends drink and these are the so-called "good kids", athletes, the smartest kids in the class, too. So you have no way of knowing who is going to do it. I don't know if I would inform the other kids' parents unless I knew someone was drinking & driving or maybe if I knew they were using drugs. Even then, I think some parents just want to be uninformed. my neighbor's son got arrested at school because another child informed the police that he was a drug dealer. I remember my neighbor saying that his son didn't use drugs that he had extra money from taking bets. Well, he got expelled from school and now a couple of years later is a full drug addict. So even though the police told him, he still didn't believe it. I do think your heart was in the right place and you weren't trying to accuse anyone, just trying to keep people safe, but there's a lot of "not my child."
You may not have felt like you were dictating to anyone how to raise their child and your intentions were good. However to someone who doesn't take the issue as seriously it could put them on the defensive. I know its not the same but its like me allowing my dd to date, for example, and then someone I know calling me to tell me they saw my dd with a boy. If they did that it would imply that I didn't know about it and that she was sneaking around doing something forbidden. So it might put me on the defensive implying that I don't know how to control my child.
I'm not trying to justify people's complacency on this issue but just trying to explain why someone would be defensive.
I didn't.
Oops..just noticed you were replying to another poster. But you need to know we're not talking about someone telling a parent, "Your son drank" or "so and so said your son was drinking". What I said is what I would have liked to hear before my DS got nailed by the school when they had no authority over him. If some parent had told me prior to that incident that my son was at a party where kids were drinking, we likely would have stepped up the surveillance, and the talking and the questioning to the point that he would not have done the stupid thing he did.
When we had no idea he was drinking, and then he got severely punished by the school, we both went through two months of hell. (Some kids it wouldn't bother at all, but it sent DS into a severe depression requiring counseling.) I do not want any other child or parent to go through that, and that is why I want them to know if their kids are around alcohol--so that they can try to stop the behavior before the school jumps in and criminalizes them when the parents were not even given a chance to discipline their own child because they were unaware the kid was drinking. I would feel guilty if I kept my mouth shut and then an introvert like my DS ended up committing suicide because he/she was ostracized by the school the first time he/she ever got in trouble.
Edited 3/16/2007 10:38 pm ET by janetlz
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
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