Alcohol-some parents don' t want to know

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Alcohol-some parents don' t want to know
16
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:15pm

Warning...this is long.

A while back there was a post asking if we parents should tell other parents when we hear of kids drinking. After DS17 was suspended in Oct, I feel very strongly that we should keep each other informed. Last night I found out not all parents want that. Here's an email I sent last Nov, after DS's suspension, to a three of his friends' parents:

" After DS's incident I questioned DS, and his 23-yo brother, a lot about drinking. His older brother had drunk in HS but never got caught--said he did it in private, at sleepovers, when they would not be going anywhere. DS admitted that he also drank a couple of times (?) when he'd stayed at friends homes, beginning in summer. They said they never drank and drove, and it was not their friends' homes where they drank, but that they'd sneak out and go to the homes of kids whose parents allowed drinking. (Not sure if that's the whole truth.) Kids rarely stay at our home, and it's probably good cuz I'm such a sound sleeper I'd never hear them if they were to sneak out. Anyhow, we've banned sleepovers for DS, and because I know your sons have sometimes been together at these sleepovers, I wanted to be sure you were aware that there may have been drinking going on. (I've also emailed all the soccer parents to warn about drinking at sleepovers.)

Because DS, until he gets to know someone quite well, is an introvert, we allowed him to go to sleepovers and we were happy that he had friends and was now socializing. (He went through a period in 8th and 9th grade where he sat home a lot, with no good friends, and I worried about him then, too.) He is not a talker, and holds everything inside, and therefore does not easily make friends. So I was glad he had your sons as friends, and I hope they can remain friends. While I think DS, and hopefully your guys, too, have learned something from this, I am not naive enough to say DS will absolutely, never again do something stupid. Let's try to keep one another informed if we ever hear rumors that any one our kids have been doing something that could get him in trouble. We know that we parents, IF WE ARE AWARE OF THE BEHAVIOR, can handle it much better than the zero-tolerance zealots in our schools. If you could pass it on to the parents of your sons' friends, I'd appreciate it."

Prior to emailing the above message last November, I had mentioned drinking at sleepovers to one of the three parents on the phone. At that time she told me that she thought her son wouldn't drink cuz he plays sports (I said, "well so does DS, and I didn't think he'd ever drink either"). She also told me about an experience with her older son, and how she thought this son knew better. She was not at all upset and it was an amicable conversation. After talking on the phone with her I thought I should inform a couple of other parents, hence the email. I tried to be very careful with my wording so as not to accuse anyone.

Last night the mom I had spoken with on the phone told me, "You know, you really shouldn't go telling parents that their kids are drinking. Some parent might react violently and really hurt their kid." I told her I never said anyone was drinking. She said, "Oh yes you did. You said my son was drinking." My DS will tell me the names of people at a party, but he would never tell the names of anyone who drank. He would never tell on his friends. I would have no way of knowing whether this mom's son actually drank--I only said I know DS and her son have been at sleepovers together. At the end of our conversation she said, "Oh, and by the way, my son and your son are really not that good of friends."

I'm not changing my position that other parents should be kept informed, just warning you that instead of hearing a "thank you", you may be accused of accusing when you are only trying to help by alerting other parents. Sometimes adulthood can be worse than adolescence.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 10:15am
I would have wanted to know if my ds's had been going to parties like that, too.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:02pm

But parents claim to want to know and Im sure some, like Pam who just posted, really do

It's a very mixed message we parents receive

But, then I know most women claim to want to know if their DH is cheating and, frankly, I wouldn't touch that one with a ten foot pole because I know in my heart it would be 'shoot the messenger'

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:07am

It's got to be a case of the parents finding out for themselves, I'm afraid.

Underage drinking is rampant here Down Under, too, but a huge majority of kids drink and their parents don't mind, or recognise that it is what is done, and as long as their child is not abusing alcohol, they let it go. We also have different laws, where drinking in a private home is permitted and the only time kids are likely to get caught is if the police are called to the party. At my 18th birthday, and every other 18th I went to last year, alcohol was consumed by both 17 and 18 year-olds.

Also, at two of those parties, we spent the night there so by the morning we were sober. It's mainly a case of "It's your house - it's your rules". I personally never cared whether it was legal or not. Now it is, and, well - I'm not even that interested.

However, we have rules where people driving on their L-plates and P-plates must remain at an 0.00 blood alcohol content (BAC), and the penalties for infringing that law are extremely harsh. We are also not allowed to go for our P-plates until we turn 18. We can't drive with alcohol in our bloodstream until our license becomes a full license, after three years, and then the limit is 0.05.

I personally feel that the more access kids have to alcohol, the less likely they are to abuse it. The more it's demonised, the more kids' curiosity is piqued: "Oooh. Mum and Dad don't want me to drink alcohol. Awesome! Must try it!" I was never denied alcohol (nor was I offered copious amounts of it, either).

The US particularly seems to demonise teen drinking, but that's most likely due to the fact that in the US, teens can get their licenses at 16. I find that to be stupid, personally. Also, your drinking age ensures that most everyone will drop a drink before they turn 21. The gap between "adulthood" and your 21st birthday is a LONG three years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:52am

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I agree. It's ridiculous that kids (we know their frontal lobes are not fully developed until the early 20s)are old enough to go fight a war in Iraq at 18, but not old enough to consume alcohol. But I can guarantee you, there are very few teens who would want to wait until 18 to get their driver's license in order to get a lower legal drinking age of 18.

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Consuming alcohol before age 18 is an illegal activity, and I want to know if my child is around it. Some parents don't care. I think it's better to err on the side of safety, and if some parents are offended by the information I provide, that's just the way it is. Not all kids who drink are as mature as you may have been at 17, and for someone like you who is caught while underage the consequences may have little effect; for someone like my DS17, the consequences had serious, negative effects.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:33pm

Here is an interesting article about the subject.
The author suggests asking first, before divulging information.

http://www.startribune.com/614/story/1059702.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 3:22pm

The first part of what the ethics columnist suggests is, in fact, what I did: "do unto others...". Because I would want other parents to tell me if they found out my son was somewhere where kids are drinking, I told other parents.

The columnist then adds a "however", recommending that it be taken one step at a time. I could have prefaced my conversation by telling the other parent, "I struggle with whether it's my responsibility to tell you this" and then progressed to "your son was at the same sleepovers mine was, and I recently found out from my son that at some of those there was drinking going on." I guess because I do not KNOW, and was only suggesting the possibility that her son drank, I didn't expect her to take offense. I cannot recall if when I spoke with her I told her that I was telling her because I would want to know if she had found out the same info I had about drinking at sleepovers. If I did not, that may have helped, too. (I do have a personality weakness in that I am straightforward, cuz that's how I like people to talk to me. I can't stand when people dance aound the issue before getting to their point. Some people interpret my straightforwardness to be arrogance.)

I do agree that adding those words, "I struggle with...responsibility...", is good advice. Thanks for the link.

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

Pages