All This Bully Talk!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
All This Bully Talk!
18
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 10:55am

All this 'new kid' bully talk makes me a nervous wreck! As of this past Saturday, there is a 'For Sale' sign stuck in our front lawn and we'd really like to leave California. This would mean, however, that my 7th grade son and 10th grade daughter would be the 'new kid' in whatever school they end up in. I would never forgive myself for moving these two 'reasonably happy with school' kids and having them end up in a situation like the ones that have been described here in recent posts.

I told DH last night that before we moved anywhere, I planned on calling any schools we were considering, as well as local police departments, to learn of any reported incidents as well as drug, gang and other crime and related incidents.

Do you think a high school principal would be completely open and honest if asked these questions? I think he/she might be inclined to gloss over anything negative for fear of the school, and him/herself ultimately, being cast in an unfavorable light.

While I realize that no situation is perfect, and that every school will have issues and problems of some sort, what other precautions can I take to ensure that they would be minimal?

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:45am
I'll bet they'll do fine, Julie.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:52am

I wouldn't believe anything coming out of the principal's mouth myself. You'll have much better luck with the police department. But make sure that before you leave, you ask your own police dept. about the kind of incidents in the area where you've been living. That will truly give you some perspective, as just b/c your own kids haven't been involved in it doesn't mean it hasn't been going on all along.

But Julie, I wouldn't worry about this too much. I think your kids will be just fine. Good kids always tend to be. The danger will be that you may be inclined to blame anything that goes wrong from then on to the move. Don't forget that your ds is still quite young, and you may not have seen the teen in him quite yet. So keep that in mind...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:53am

FWIW we moved twice with kids in school and there was never any bullying related to the move

My oldest was bullied in teh 5/6 grade-we had moved when he was in 2nd. My middle was bullied in middle school and had been at that locale since age 4. We moved again when they were 9th and 12th graders and there were/have been no incidents.

No, I dont think the pricipal will be honest with you-sorry!

It's so hard to predict but IMO 90% of the information we take as gospel about the subject is wrong

My youngest is LD and has a serious speech impediment. He is also skinny as a stick and incredibly passive

The only way this kid could be a more likely target would be to have 'bully me' tatooed on his forehead!!!

Yet, to my knowledge, it has never happened. I have been specifically asked by teachers every single year from 5th on at conference time if he ever complains about bullying. They see nothing and are told no when they ask him-same thing here. No teacher ever asked abou tmy other two BTW-everyone seems to know that, by the standard interpretation of bullying, he SHOULD be a target

Go figure! I dunno how he has been blessed

And my other two are very different. DS1 is an introvert, nerdy type who never joined in anything willingly. DS2 is an extroverted athletic joiner. Yet they both got bullied during the 11-14 yr age range(yea, I know, right where your son is)

I think you have to adopt a positive attitude and hope for the best. You dont know that your son wouldnt be bullied in May if you stayed put-or next year in 8th grade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 11:55am

<<>>

Pardon me?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 12:34pm

Julie, apparently OP seems to think I mean to imply that only bad kids get bullied? Sorry if you took it that way - I was actually talking generally about the "adjustment" your kids will have to make. I know you've posted about this before and maybe OP doesn't know that. And yes, I do believe that "good kids" tend to find the "good kids" and vise versa. In any case, I fail to realize that with some people you have to be very PC or you get called to the mat for every little thing.

I know you worry your kids may get mixed up with the wrong crowd, may not find friends, start to hate school, and now the bullying thing. I've been fortunate enough not to deal with bullying - there were a few isolated incidents in the past. Girls can be just as guilty of "bullying" without raising a hand, but no one does much about that either. At least some action is happending in different areas regarding the physical bullying, which makes sense but the verbal/cyber bullying is becoming a big concern as well and obviously that happens anywhere.

But after what I've read here, of course I'd be a little wary about moving to any town with a population under 20,000. Our "little town" has 34,000 and it's big enough to avoid some of the small town problems talked about here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 1:55pm

Its very difficult to get the full story about a school or district if you don't have some friends or family in the area. Schools will likely not reveal this type of thing and local police don't have the time or inclination really. Perhaps googling local newspaper sites would help. See what kinds of stories and incidents are reported in the area compared to others.

Also, school boards in my area have their own websites. They include policies and information about schools. We can see such things as what their antibullying programs are as well as information such as standardized testing results and classroom sizes. These things are good pieces of information.

But really the best protection is having two well-adjusted, confident kids. I lived in some pretty rough areas growing up. It was part of the immigrant child experience -- alot of us lived in poorer areas until our parents got on their feet. I experienced some mild bullying and teasing and I had to deal with living in high crime areas. And we had little awareness and little support for these things over 30 years ago. And yet...I survived fairly unscathed.

I also moved from the inner city to a suburb after 11th grade having to do my senior year in a new school. It was difficult making new friends but not as bad as I thought it would be. If your kids are generally good at adjusting to new situations and meeting new people, they'll be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 3:02pm

That was me, mom-not the OP!

I appreciate your experience, but in both cases where my sons were picked on, it WAS the 'good kids' doing the picking. That tends to be part of the problem IME.

The principal was shocked that such a popular athlete with good grades would do such a thing to my oldest so his reaction was "I'll talk to him" and no action was ever taken.

And my oldest was ALWAYS a good kid. He just wasnt in the 'in crowd' and neither were DH and I

Number two definitely went down some wrong paths from 10th grade on-I'd be honest even if it wasnt on the board somewhere-but in junior high he was a straight A 80 pound Mr goody two shoes

<<>>>

There are a lot of myths out there and googling I find that just about every link disagreed with the link I read before it so it is difficult to sort out the fact from teh fiction

But 'good' kids can bully and be bullied-THAT I will personally guarantee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 3:18pm

I thought op meant "other post". I do agree with you that 'good' kids can be bullies too, and that there are many misconceptions about this. For some strange reason, my ds10 seems to be very popular with the highly agressive boys. I wouldn't say he's highly agressive himself, but he does know how to defend himself, having an older brother and sister. A couple of years ago (3rd grade) I got a call from the school about him being involved in a type of "bullying behavior" which imo wasn't real bullying, but our school is hyper-vigilant about such things, which is good. What it amounted to was that my ds had 'followed' some of his more aggresive friends and a boy in their class was feeling intimidated. It was all talk at that point. They were all taken aside and the boy felt most comfortable talking with my ds about the issue. It was all resolved within days and they were all friends again. Thankfully, the most worrisome boy who I saw as a potentially 'future bully', and who had latched on to my son has moved away. I see that our school is trying to nip these issues in the bud and train the kids to see things differently as they get older, but all it takes is some kids moving into the school from an area that never had these programs, and all of a sudden things change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 5:58pm
Thanks Pam. What are BD kids?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 7:34pm

Julie - I am so sorry that you are so stressed about this move! It sounds like it's a very hard time for you, and it's hard to support your kids when you're not feeling very strong yourself.

I think the tough thing about bullying, or any other "problem" is there's not a magic predictor or preventor. Bad things happen in big schools and small, in high-achieving schools and struggling schools, in all economic and racial and social strata. UGH, that came out more negative than I meant! What I mean is that we do better to help our kids be prepared in general, and to give them strategies to deal with challenges. My DS7 is in a very nice school, a wonderful warm learning environment, but still there has been bullying at one time or another in every grade (that's why I'm helping the PA develop an anti-bullying curriculum). My DD15 is in a very high-achieving school, with supposedly self-motivated kids, and they still have problems with drugs, drinking, sex.

But it's important for all our kids to know what to do if someone is bothering you, how to deal with offers of alchohol or drugs, how to manage their own behavior.

I think your kids will be OK because you will be paying attention, giving them room to talk about what's going on, and ready to help them deal with any problems.

((((HUGS))) my friend! I am sending you mega ~+~+~+~+~+postive vibes+~+~+~+~ to get through the upcoming move!

Sue

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