to all who replied to cleanliness post

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
to all who replied to cleanliness post
10
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:43am
First of all to the poster who said work fewer hours. are you going to pay my bills for me?Nobody has to preach to me to put my daughter first. you don't even know me. I love my daughter whether she is thin or heavy. the extra 25lbs she carries makes no difference to me and she knows that other than it is an unhealthy factor. as i said in my post i go to a gym and i walk and no i am not overweight. i am 45 and weigh 150lbs at 5'6. I am not angry or disgusted with her. I am upset and the concerned mother of a teenage girl who seems to need a small push right now. She is an extremely confident girl. she defends most kids who are the under-dog in school. she allows nobody to be mean or cruel to anyone. she is an honor roll student. she was voted funniest kid in her class this year. we do have a therapist and her take on it is she is just a teenager. and to the posters that suggested getting firm with her about the showers and chores i will certainly take your advice. like all of us at any age, being overweight can be a bit depressing. if she likes herself at the weight she is than i am a successful mother. a good parent teaches thier children to love themselves for who they are no matter what they look like. at 15 they can make the decision to make changes in themselves. all we can do is do our best to instill in them the best way to live our lives. I have been thinking about this all day and i will be having a talk with her tonight about making some positive changes. i truly believe she is in a rut. finals, regents, she had knee surgery on may 8th and she just needs a little push. i posted here because i was looking for a place to go to unload since i have nobody other than my daughter in my home to carry some of the exhausting tasks of raising a teenager.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:13am

Hey girl, do you remember me?

I thought the post about being 25 lbs. overweight was a bit harsh myself. That's about where I'm at, and it's tough losing it.

You're always welcome here, and I thought some of the suggestions were good ones, and one poster has been just where you are now.

So don't get too frustrated with us, ok?

Hang in there and post whenever you please. Take care.

zz

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:20am

{{{Hugs harleypo}}} It's difficult to remember when you're posting to a public site like this that you have to expect all types of responses. Try to let it roll off if you can.

I try to hold a thought in my head: "Take what I need, leave the rest"

The fact that you posted at all shows that you're simply a concerned parent. If anything, I think I must have come off sounding really harsh because I AM disgusted with my dd's hygiene issues. I'm sorry, but we're clean people and it completely grossed me out when she was going all week without showering. Ugh. I finally had to be blunt with her about it and since I wrote it in a letter to her, she had time to think about it and realize that I wasn't simply being critical of her, I was trying to help her be more conscientious about her body. For me, it all goes hand in hand with the basics and that's what I've tried to impress upon her. Once she leaves the house, she will be on her own.

She used to be chunky (right around your dd's age) and in the past two years, as her body has matured and she's developed, she's lost her little paunch. She's thinned out and has a really nice shape. She's kind of short so she looks like she has a full figure, but it's bodacious, not overweight. kwim? lol.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that if your dd is happy with herself, then you've done a good job raising her. That, among other things, is key. We all want our kids to be comfortable in thier own skin and your dd is - that's wonderful. Having her focus on taking care of her hygiene may be a bit of a battle, but IMO, it's worth it. OTOH, some teens need to come to this on thier own and if just one friend comments to her about having an odor or greasy hair, that may be all it takes.

Best of luck. I sometimes get crappy responses from other posters - you have to let it roll off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:16pm
I just replied to your other post - didn't see this update.
Pam
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:22pm

I'm guessing by your first two responses that you're not totally new around here so you may laugh at this but,. My first post here, I felt just like you. I felt I got slammed for saying I didn't like my DS's GF. I was kind of hurt by the responses, cause I had said in my post that I felt bad for feeling the way I did. Anyhow, some nice responses came after that and I realized that if I was really only lookin for a pick-me-up, I might not post it on here. I have never posted about how I feel about my DS's GF again, and believe me, I could still use support on that one LOL. I didn't respond to your original post because I had nothing I thought I could contribute. I thought it was kinda just a vent post...and I'm sorry, I should have at least sent you (((((((hugs))))))))) :) I will say that I have noticed that some people post STRONG opinions on things and that seems to be the way all of their posts and responses are, so don't let it get to you :)

(Added after I went through the entire thread about your daughter:) I had to add this, cause the event that I talked about above, after I re-read my origianl thread, I relized that I had been overly sensitive :( I know how hard it is though when you talk about something you may not be feeling that great about. I thought the posts were ok, just strong in personal opinion....which is some of what I like here. I may not always agree, but it is good to hear others opinions. JMHO LOL

Julie




Edited 6/13/2007 12:27 pm ET by jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:23pm
I've also had some strong opinions on a couple posts but they are usually balanced out with some great suggestions and support. I don't really have anyone to talk to either because all my friends have younger children and can't relate to raising a teen yet. It makes me laugh when I complain about all the head butting that goes on between me and DD when I'm trying to get her to do something and friends will come up with the great advise of "just make her". Sure......wouldn't it be great if it were that easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:35pm

Hi chillie2004!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:41pm

Hi,

My dd is 15 also and I went through a similar issue with her last year. She was always one to take pride in her appearance and suddenly she stopped showering. She didn't want to take a shower, brush her teeth, and started wearing baggy clothes with her hair up in a tangled pony tail.

I started out being kind of harsh with her about it and almost wanting to embarass her into taking care of her personal hygiene, but soon realized that it might make her sink deeper into this type of behavior.

I talked with her and was lucky enough that she opened up and revealed that it was all about puberty and boys and hormnones and growing up. Her actions all started when she was surprised by her period in the middle of class in middle school. Yes, we had the talk and I knew it was coming and I tried to prepare her for it, but still she was embarrassed that it showed up in a not so nice way (is it ever nice? LOL) and made a bit of a mess on her seat. From that day on, she changed the way she dressed, the way she took care of herself and it scared me. But worse than that, it scared her too - the whole growing up and maturing and developing just scared the bejesus out of her and she wanted to run from it instead of embracing it. She started to get attention from boys - didn't know how to handle it and this was a way to get them to leave her alone and to hide from the inevitable.

It took some time, but we worked through it. She's always been active in sports, but now she goes to the health club or runs with me and is always asking my advice on the nutritional information for various foods before she eats them. Neither of us are a fanatic about it, but we are aware and living a healthy lifestyle. She is proud of the way she looks now and still conservative in her dress - which is ok with me - but no longer frumpy and hiding away in oversized clothing - and she showers daily, sees a dermatologist for her complexion and takes pride in her appearance again.

I just wanted you to know that this isn't an uncommon problem - this whole growing up thing is hard on our kids and we something forget about their feelings as we try to deal with our own feelings over their behavior. There's a reason for her actions (or non-action) and that's what you need to find out.

Big hugs to you - I hope this helps a little. Be there and talk to her - don't push her, but let her know you're there. You can set the ground rules - and you should - and she'll most likely abide by them - you'll get a clean child, yes - but you need to find out what's causing the problem in the first place.

Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:38pm

Your MIL really had the right approach. So many times, I have seen my DH try to intimidate his DD into doing things. Of course, now she is about 5'10" and she's a big girl, but although he's the same height, he's certainly stronger. He will go right up to her and try to stare her down. Of course, he can "make" her do whatever he says, but the net effect of that is that I don't think she has any respect for him, she just does what he can "make" her do, but on the other hand, she will try to get away with whatever she can do beind his back. For ex., he has told her numerous times, that she is not supposed to talk on the phone late at night on a school night. He will succeed in "catching" her doing this and then take away her phone for a while, etc. But then she will go right back to doing later, esp. now that we have the a/c on and can't hear her talking. Of course, if he looked at the cell phone bill, he would find out that she is sometimes on the phone until 3:00 a.m. on a school night. So the only thing that motivates her is the fear of getting caught or punished. This worries me because she is 17. What will happen when she is on her own at college or whatever she is doing? If she hasn't developed any judgment about what to do on her own, she is going to be making a lot of mistakes.

On the other hand, I hope that my kids will do something that I tell them to do just because we have a good relationship and they want me to be happy w/ the way they are behaving. When my 18 yo DD does something that I don't agree with, instead of focusing on punishing her, I explain why I think it's not a good idea and why Idon't want her to do that. Most of the times, it has worked. For ex., she is allowed to drive past midnight now. But I told her that I don't want her staying out really late because I get worried when she's out late and because of the dangers of a young girl being out alone, more likely to have drunk drivers when the bars are closing, etc.

Sorry for getting off the topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:25am

Chillie,

Thank you. I have total faith in what kind of parent I am and I know I do the best I can, but sometimes I just look at her and listen to things that come out of her mouth and I say to myself "who is this child". Then i remember she is a "teenager". UGH. I love when people say just do this and just do that. If it were that easy there wouldn't be a need for this board.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:10am

harleypo, it's really hard here to 'read' into what people really mean. It's impossible to put voice inflection and facial expression into the text we write. I've received 'harsh' comments, and I'm sure when I feel strongly about something I come across as 'harsh'.....I'm overly sensitive, so I take what I feel are 'harsh' comments to heart, but like everyone else has said, take it in stride, and assume that the person giving the harsh comments the benefit of the doubt, and assume maybe they meant differently than it came out.???

As for the poster in harlypo's original thread that is so disgusted by this young girl being 25 lbs overweight...I'm 100+ overweight, and I also took offense to that response. I hope we don't know each other or will ever meet, because I'd hate to see how you'd react to me! I'm also married to a handsome man, and have 2 happy, healthy HANDSOME boys, a good job and wonderful friends and family....so THERE.

I'm sorry for digressing, this post is about your DD, not me......my 2 boys are weird w/ their hygiene too...one son is very clean (with his hair and body), but HATES to shave.....and hates to do laundry--he'll LIE thru his teeth, but I know he wears clothing (including socks) more than once if he hasn't gotten his laundry done. My husband is livid over this, but I try to keep my mouth shut.....he's got to learn the hard way that this is not acceptable......my other son is clean, but doesn't seem as worried about it as son #1.....he's bad about laundry too (worse than son #1).....(they are both responsible for their own laundry---I impose that rule when I got sick of running loads late into the night because they 'needed' something to wear). Teens are a strange breed........even though I was one, I certainly can't figure them out!

Good luck, and please know that sometimes we all mean something different than how we say it.......the folks here are good people who truly do want to impart their opinions and advice........once and a while, we get some that don't understand and can get rude, but it's few and far between, so I wish you and your lovely dd the best.

Shels